Traditions

 Some of my fondest memories as a young girl and later as a Mother revolve around family traditions and routines. I recall in my childhood days how we had big family meals on Sundays, oftentimes around our round kitchen table and in our dining room on holidays or other important times. There was always an abundance of home cooked meals and lots of chatter between my siblings and my parents, those were good times.  Those times ceased for the most part when my brothers and my sister went off to college and made their own lives. They did not end abruptly, but slowly over time, leaving just holidays and summertime to gather as a large family group.

Once I had our three children I had Sunday dinners with the children, sometimes my Mother and often my wonderful mother in law, Thelma. Their Father was there as well, often cooking out on the grill in summer and my doing the meal preparation in cooler months. It was a lovely tradition, but never quite rivaled my childhood gatherings. Life changed at one point for all of us and Sunday dinners became fewer and fewer with Thelma often in attendance. Sadly these too ended, due to illness and death of the matriarchs,which happens to most of us.  

Now with the pandemic these gatherings have gone on hold, due to possible contagion and other health conditions and circumstances. I miss these kinds of gatherings, closest to it are meals at my sister Ruth’s home and summer events at my daughters lovely home. My hope is by summer of this year we can begin to gather again, small family events would be nice. I have not seen my oldest son in person in over a year, he is in NYC and events have kept him and his fiancée from traveling. A good family reunion would be lovely also, perhaps next summer. Despite all this past years difficulties, I am thankful for life, family and perhaps building a few new traditions. I would like a big birthday party someday, if for no other reason than to gather with loved ones and reminisce. 

 

Traditions change as do our lives as we age and switch roles, it’s key to keep some of them alive, even if only in our hearts.

Beginnings and Perspective

 Unlike some others I have known, it is my goal to write more blog posts in this year of 2021. Today is the beginning and I have a goal of one blog post per week, 52 posts or more if my muse strikes me. Now that I am retired, I feel this is a good goal and a great way to begin the new year. Last year was very hit or miss with blog posts, mostly miss. The pandemic and other events kept me from having the desire or the ability to compose intelligible thoughts to string into words. As we continue to battle Covid 19, much time is spent inside in a quarantine fashion. Mostly due to not wanting to contract it, and actually I am a big homebody, always have been. That said, I am not an introvert as many of my acquaintances claim to be. I like people-well, most of them, and commiserating with them and people watching are favorite past times I used to do. Unlike others, I also will spend part of each post speaking of myself, but most posts are to share information and perhaps enlighten others as well as provide support so people can compare and share their own personal stories. I am well aware many are very private people, and perhaps are unable to share personal stories, that is okay, too. I would like comments to my blog posts, and would appreciate anyone that does so. Communication is a very important facet in life, and I thrive on it.

My perspective may be far from what yours may be, that is okay and the nature of life and humanity anyway. Differing points of view teach us all, and many times it can be a game changer. Just because we have different viewpoints, does not mean I am right and you are wrong and vice verse. As humans our perspective is often different, but refreshing and interesting to obtain. The election of this past year proved that to me soundly. Some of my friends supported a different candidate than I did, we all had and have our reasons in such situations. I guess one could compare it to the glass half full, half empty concept. Being a positive and progressive person, I almost always see it as half full, with room for more in the container. I also recently saw a meme online showing the number six on the ground, one person seeing it as a six the other seeing it as a nine, to me a perfect representation of perspective. I think with an open mind though and do my best to see issues from the perspective of others. 

As soon as the outside world from mine becomes safe once again, I also want to begin seeing the few friends I have as well as family, and cherished former co-workers. This is not an overly large group, so once the gate lifts, so to speak, it will be an easy task to complete. You see, I am one of those folks that disdains phone conversations, I want and crave person to person contact . Without the facial expressions and the genuinely wonderful time spent with others, phone calls are most often brief and to the point for me. I think most that know me realize that's my stich, and is not formulated out of dislike of any people I might call on occasion. I also hope to reconnect with a few classmates I have connected with on Facebook, its been since graduation from high school since I have seen most of them. There are a sparse few that I care not whether I have contact with them or not, not that I dislike them, just realized that we have little in common anymore. One person, to remain unnamed, has made little or no effort to stay in touch, of course that is due to their busy work/writer/self-important life. Sad to me, but necessary to cut ties to people that ruffle the feathers.

So, in closing, I hope to keep my goal of one per week, if not more. I will try to make them interesting enough that some will want to read to the end, and comment on the post. I wish all a better year this year with many good things to come our way. 

******************************* Balance in all things***********************************

Memories

 

A little over two years ago we moved out here to our quiet and idyllic mobile home in LaFayette. Prior to this, I resided over thirty years in a five bedroom three story home. My three children grew up there, my youngest spent his entire life living there, save two  short months at another home. He recently told me he will always view this as home. I can fully understand that, I grew up here in LaFayette and when I pass by the home of my youth and fond memories flood in. I recall the wonderful childhood I had there, alongside my parents, brothers and sister. I feel fortunate that I had a good childhood with two parents that taught me many important things that I carry forward to the present. 

Moving from a home one has lived in as long as I had is a daunting task. Given other circumstances I had a short window of opportunity to pack and take necessities and cherished things. Many things were given away, donated to the Salvation Army and others left behind. My situation provided that I did not have to empty the contents of the house. My partner Rick and I did all the packing, one of my older sons friends helped us  one day pack the container we rented to move our belongings . The rest we did over the course of a few weeks. Our last few days there we had sold the stove, the washer and dryer , using a laundromat and having takeout food most of the time. I was fairly certain I had packed all we really needed and wanted. The day we moved came and we gathered our cat herd up in carriers and took them via car. My SUV was filled with absolute necessities and fragile items, the container would not arrive for a few days. It was a mind boggling thing looking back on it. My youngest had moved into an apartment shortly before we moved, leaving behind the only home he had ever known. 

We arrived at our new home, first order of business was unpacking the cats and setting them up with food, water and litter boxes. For their safety we shut them in the smallest of three bedrooms with all they would need for a few hours. We unpacked the car and set up the bed. How we did all that still boggles my mind. Several days later the container arrived and we hired the brother of one of our new neighbors, a former classmate, to help unpack the container. He was a workhorse and the container was emptied in short time. We arranged things and slowly it became home. 

In the past two years we have wished several things moved with us, but we did not. I was certain I had moved a cherished write in cookbook I had since I was 20. Everything had been unpacked and it nowhere to be found. It was very disappointing as several cherished recipes were carefully written in there as well as clippings of recipes and other hand written recipes from my Mother, friends and co workers from past employment. The happy ending to this is a few days ago I decided to sort through a photo/memory box in my office cabinet. Amongst the pictures and other cherished memorabilia was the recipe book! What had eluded me for over two years was right there and safe. I had indeed packed it and ferreted in with other cherished items. I am grateful to have it in my possession still.

Memories are often things only contained in our minds. Most of them are of days long gone by, some are things that we value not for their monetary worth but for the memories attached to them. Be assured memories of my old homestead are firmly planted in my mind, most of them fond ones replete with stories of three young children and myself. Memories remain and give us smiles, laughter, tears and many things to be shared. New ones are made here where I am content and feel it is home on a new and different level. Life is calmer, easier and convenient here. It fills and nurtures my soul, and has been a good place to spend time in and with. 

Toxic People

 In life all of us have had circumstances where we are in contact with a toxic person or people. They play games making their behavior the result of their parents, the unfairness in life, and various other excuses. They play passive aggressive games, treat people poorly, never seem to accept blame in situations. Then they play the victim despite their end result being of their own crafting. 

Sometimes it can be a relative, a co worker or even the philosophy that a group accepts. Often we have no choice but to remain within the reach of the toxic situation, we live with the family member, have a job that pays well that we like, but we try our best to avoid interaction with the toxic negativity. At one job I held, this woman co-worker was a holy Hell, even management kowtowed to her, making her even more powerful. Thankfully after several years her own activities sabotaged her job. We spoke of it in murmurs, but no one dared put it on the table.

Some families have such toxic member that they participate minimally in family gatherings as it is just not worth their sanity. I know a few people that have worn this role and many that still do. One person has a brother that thankfully lives a coast away. It is interesting to watch these people in action, but not for long. Continuing to tolerate their behavior just gives them strength and continued toxicity.

When you can, completely avoid this kind of person. If you cannot, do your best to limit your contact as to keep your soul and sanity as intact as possible. When you play into their nonsense, you unwittingly provide them with what they want. Do these individuals ever change? Personally, I have never seen it, they are blamers, blithely never accepting personal responsibility. Do you resemble a toxic person? Perhaps if you think you may be one, you should ponder what you can do to change the tide.

The Company of Misery

     When I think of the word misery, several things come to mind. First, I think of one of my favorite authors, Stephen King, and his work Misery as well as the movie and Kathy Bates brilliance is making her author pay for his riddance to her favorite character. I also think of the saying misery enjoys company, though truly most of us do not want to join in and be miserable with another, in fact we may do much to avoid such an entanglement.
     Recently I encountered, yet again, an individual that seems to be miserable much of the time. Due to their proximity to me three days a week, there is little I can do to avoid seeing their misery so much of the time, but I refuse to contribute to it and avoid them as much as humanly possible. Nothing in their world seems to be right, there is always something wrong and someone has always irritated them in some way. They continue to judge others and expect their current situation to be as they wish it to be or else them mutter and sputter to themselves. My observation continues to make me wonder how they live inside their skin each and every day, 365 days a year. I wonder if they ever realize their disdain of others is solely motivated by their need for control as well as attention. This person is younger than I , in good health, physically fit and not ugly in any way, save their personality. Everyone seems to step lightly around them, myself included, and that serves to only keep things as they are. Recently I made a conscious decision to remove myself from situations involving them whenever I am able. My free time will no longer be marred by their diatribes, cupboard slamming and sputtering and muttering under their breath. I find somewhere else to spend my free time and extinguish their audience for the time being.It's as though they need someone to join them in their delight in being miserable.
     I do wonder what occurred in their life that made them this shrewish and unhappy soul. We can be as some as blame our behavior on circumstances and others, or we can do our best to choose our reactions and be a positive influence in the world instead of being hateful and spiteful. When you look at a situation, remember the part you may play to perpetuate it. Kindling a good fire is always something we should do, a raging and senseless blaze is one we do not need to contribute to. I choose consciously not to contribute or join the company of misery.

                                         
                                          ~~~~~~~~~~Balance in all things~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorting Things Out

Thirty one years, seems like a long time when one thinks about it. Truth is, it passes quicker than you can or will ever believe it could . I have spent that amount of time living in this one home, that sheltered me and three children so very well. When we moved there, Amanda was 5, Thomas 1 and Paul was less than two months old. I organized well when we moved from Midler Avenue to East Genesee. Things were well packed and labeled despite having three children to care for. My then husband had a wonderful job, it afforded us movers for a full day and that was a blessing in itself. Now it is Rick and I packing, as the closing date approaches ever nearer, my sense of motivation improves some, but it was a daunting task. My youngest child, Paul, moves out tomorrow to his first solo apartment. He has lived here with me all this time . I am happy for his independence, but sad to think of my nest truly empty. The empty part makes the home become just a house once again. Gone are the three residents that made life there so worthwhile. Tears are flowing as I put these words down , life is changing, as it always does.

Sorting through things brings memories, but also makes me wonder why I collected things I did. Perhaps I was trying to fool myself that someday I would once again have the large parties and family gatherings we had at the beginning of life here. The sheer size and comfort of that house lends well to events where family and friends gather. Once my children’s Father and I divorced, there was no time for parties, the finances were tight and my friend supply and time dwindled to a few faithful folks. I now realize my collections of dishes and tchotchkes were to fool myself life had not changed much at all. Hindsight being 20/20, I now see that was a futile attempt to rebuild what I thought I had lost forever. I think that is why it is so easily given to folks I know who will use the dishes happily and for gatherings they have now. Reality is they are only things and hold little charm nor value to me any longer.

Starting anew in a smaller and easier space is an adventure to look forward to. Rick and I will put our own twist on it and make it comfortable for us. I doubt there will be too many gatherings, but I do look forward to the few we do have. I love people, do not get me wrong, but large crowds and the like are discomforting to this anxiety riddled woman. Most do not realize I am truly an introvert with extrovert tendencies in my public persona. My busy life of working and raising three children as best I could to adulthood kept me too busy to hold on to or attract many friends. At times I was too needy in trying to forge a new relationship with a man, due to feeling I had failed so miserably. That propelled me into a second failed marriage as well as several so-so relationships with men I met. Thankfully I met Rick over ten years ago, we have had our share of trials in life, but they have served to strengthen the bond we share. In many ways we are polar opposites, but we complement each other well. Without his support through this moving out saga, I fear I might have lost my mind. Those that once would have stood by me in this are either gone from life, moved away, or we have grown apart from one another. My lovely daughter is a newly married wife, and a busy career RN with a great social life. My second born and first son lives in NYC, with his wonderful partner in life and they have a great lifestyle and careers that keep them busy. My third born and youngest son has begun a new career that keeps him busy and has secured his first apartment and will not be far away if needed. Life has been good for me, I was given the gift of three children that have grown to be wonderful young adults. When we are truly successful st parenting, our fledglings grow strong and leave the nest. It’s a daunting day in some ways, but satisfying to realize you have done a decent job after all is said and done. The bottom line of all this is that I stayed here in that house for both myself and my three children. I did not want my life or their’ any more difficult if possible. Without my fledglings as reason, my life would have been meaningless and empty. With a half smile/smirk I tell myself , “you done good Robin, very good...”

Balancing Act

I find sometimes I get my best ideas from reading others posts, blog or otherwise. This morning I read a blog post about balance and what works for this person. It spurred me to compose this blog and is kind of like point/counterpoint in its essence.We all have a balance we like to keep in our lives, for each of us it is different and what works for one might not for the next. Comparing my life to anyone else's life is a silly and futile exercise. I need to be comfortable in MY life, as  YOU need to be comfortable in your life. I have often thought that one of the worst excuses for a sloppy house/life, whatever your surroundings are, is that raising your children is the most important thing and the housework can wait. While I do not disagree with this statement, we need to teach and model a good life for our offspring, helping them find their own individual balance. Part of life is giving children a solid basis for independent life and helping them function well in the "outside" world. My children had chores, and learned to cook, clean and do many basic things that are essential to a decent life. Setting personal boundaries within ones life is a task one needs to do for themselves.While the tidy/clean house should NOT be the most important thing in ones life, it needs to be a balanced part of a balanced life. If you can function and be essentially comfortable in a chaotic surrounding, then go for it. My personal need is orderly, and not as antiseptic as the younger, idealistic me wanted things. Three children, many pets and a single Mom life forced me to let down my OCD home standards to a more plausible level to keep up with. My children have become adults, only one living here with my life partner and myself, so it is three people living in a large and mostly organized space. My biggest mess makers are now my cats, they shed, make litter box dumping essential on a daily basis, and entertain me and comfort me often., as well as provide entertainment and a lot of laughs. I work forty hours a week, and am fortunate to have someone that does much of the cooking, and shares in the laundry and cleaning of our home. He makes sure that the laundry gets washed, I fold and put it away.  We both clean the bathrooms, with him doing the floors.It is a partnership that works, we never had to outline any "rule" per se, it just happened. In a good relationship this is how I think it should work, sharing the tasks and each doing what they are best at. When so few of you reside in a place, if you just put things where they belong and do a minimal amount of upkeep, there is no reason for it to get out of hand, save illness and occurrences that prevent one from the basic maintenance of said domicile. I watch very little television, read only on occasion, I find such solitary past times to not entertain me or calm me at all. I play online games, would prefer board or card games with a few others, I keep abreast of the news via internet channels and contact friends mainly via text and emails. My eight hour work days is spent on the phone and computer dealing with inbound and outbound calls as well as alarms, so multi-tasking at work is a must. The same is true at home for the most part.I despise phone conversations, I would much prefer a chat over coffee or lunch, interpersonal connections flow much better in real life than in the world of phone lines. Many of my acquaintances are voracious readers, and they often are in disbelief that I do not do the same. I do not expect you to fit into my life guidelines, so do not judge me for not having the same system of life as you. As I said earlier in this missive, balance is a very personal thing, and we all need to set the knob where it works for us and our own individual situations.If things are not working the way YOU want them to, time to take stock of your balancing act and make changes if that will make things work better for your life. Balance is different for us all, find your own and run with it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Balance In All Things~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Beginnings

We are at the end of 2017, it gives many of us time to reflect on what has been this past year, and plan for what will be for the next year. Our deepest hopes and desires can often be what we think about, though sometimes just some simple changes are what we plan to make. In days gone by, I would often plan to lose weight, having been a big girl all of my adult life. I propose to continue to eat as healthily as I can, with the focus being on balance. I would often plan to treat people as I would like to be treated, you all know, that old golden rule most of us were taught growing up. I know that many resolutions I made never made it past the first week of a new year, that is the case for so many of us. As I have gotten older, though not as much wiser as I might have once thought my silver years would bring, I realize that treating each day as the most important one ever is what is needed. Yesterdays errors can be erased to some degree most times, and we can commit  to not letting them occur again. Planning too much in the future can boggle our brains and weight us down with burdens we need not create in the first place. My focus will be to make each day the best one it can be, and to not punish myself when I fall short of any of my daily goals, but rather forgive myself, analyze the situation and move forward. Getting bogged down in past mistakes and missed opportunities is a waste of precious and valuable time. Caveat here, what works for me might not work for you, and vice verse. I have a couple of acquaintances that craft their own blogs, and their purpose is different, far different than mine is. We are different folks, therefore we have different aspirations, goals and life purpose. I need to keep that in mind when I read said blogs, often they are self involved and make me wonder why the person needs to commit to the written word such meanderings. Then I recall, we are ALL different, and we have needs and habits that vary from person to person. One thing I need to practice in a stronger way is accepting people as they are, and making no judgment upon them or their life. I have always classified myself as a giver, and that has often led to my not doing the best for ME that I can. Givers tend to listen more, and not get their own needs met. One of my intrinsic needs is to feel I am assisting someone in some way, no matter how small. Financially, that is not something I have the resources to accomplish if they need to have that kind of assistance. I have other attributes that are as valuable, if not more so, that monetary ones. Giving of time is one of the things so many of us are guilty of being selfish with. Another part of my focus will be to continue to look at what people do right and do my best with avoidance with an obsession of what they do that is wrong, and especially wrong in my eyes. I do not live their life and they do not live mine, I have no right to judge them as they have none to judge me. I also need to continue to bite my tongue when I do not have something positive or good to contribute. Positive statements, actions and deeds make the world a better place, and it begins with me, even if only in a small way. I choose to make each day a beginning, much like a blank sheet of paper with crisp lines and no erasures. A blank canvas to create something all together unique and make a difference even in only a small way. Global change begins with local action and we each can make an important contribution to making change.  Tomorrow is not here yet, I choose to concentrate on this moment, this day and keep life as good as it can possibly be.

TGIF or Mondays are Marvelous

So many people adore Friday, yet disdain Monday. Even when I was a Monday through Friday 9-5 gal, I never lived for Fridays nor the weekend. I love each day, and some more than others, but it has little to do with the day of the week or the name of the day of the week. I chuckle when I see some putting up their TGIF memes and proclaiming hooray for the weekend. For me, each day counts and in a different way each individual day.

Then we have the Monday growlers, oh boo hoo, the weekend is over and they tend to be in a bad mood. Why I say? Contemplating how each day is good can carry one far and lends to the positive mood one can get themselves in. After all, positive deed and word attracts more positive ions to your day, your week, your month, year ad infinitude. Even miserable days contain some modicum of goodness, even if it involves a lesson. The Debbie Downers and Nancy Naysayers of the world get  no positive attention from me. On social media, for example, Facebook, I tend to skip their negative posts, do not acknowledge the dismal mood, and instead wait for their moments of positive posts and lavish attention on those. Sure I have my off days, but for the most part, I find the good in each day, each person and can live each day fully as I possibly am able to.

Try framing your days this way, it cannot hurt. Who knows, you may find yourself enjoying each day and your life just a little more!


                                                          ~~~Balance in all things~~~

Summer Solstice

Today marks the longest day of the year, as well as the first official day of summer. Summer is my third favorite season, my favorite season is Fall, followed by Spring, then the current season of Summer, and least favorite is Winter. While I enjoy longer days and more sunlight, and warmer temperatures, I am not a fan of the humidity at all. We are famous for overly humid days here in the Syracuse area. I have no tolerance for humidity, it saps my energy, makes me feel nauseous and just makes me feel one hundred pounds heavier.  Some considered summer to have already started once the parks opened  and baseball and Indy 500 took place. That is someone else's definition of summer, and one social media "friend" gave me a litany of words when I said summer's official start was not when they have the Indy 500 and sing the song "Back Home In Indiana". To him, it is, but not me. I tend to be a tried and true died in the wool girl for the beginning of the seasons by calendar dates, though sometimes we have a day that is "summer-like" long before the actual date. Another social media friend loves Summer, is is her favorite season of all,and good for you I say. I like Summer, but indeed it is not my favorite now or ever. I like Summer-time get together s, outdoor concerts, fireworks, festivals and vacations, though I have not had one of those in over 20 years. Summer in my youth meant daily bike excursions to our town pool, crafts, staying out later, games played outside, until dark, and catching fireflies and storing them in a jar.

We love cooking out, but we do that year round. I love eating summer fruits and vegetables, nothing like fresh tomatoes, corn on the cob and all the seasonal treats we have in the summer locally. We adore pasta salad as well as potato and macaroni salad, but we make those year round also. I try not to limit the menu at any time of year, though turning on the oven on a sweltering day is out of the question in my home, no central AC here! To all those that love the Summer, I am happy for you, but my season is next and no one can dissuade me from loving it will all I am. 

Enjoy your summer days and nights, vacations and visits with family for cook-outs, reunions and the like. Do not forget your year 'round friends as well as those you may not have seen in a long time. Reach out and do a few different things, widen your small circle just a small bit you will be surprised at the joy both you and the other person experience, a different kind of summer sunshine all in itself.

                                                     ~~Balance in all things~~

Different Yet Same

I enjoy social media, it allows me to stay in touch with family that is not nearby. It also allows me to meet new folks, though most times I never meet them in person. It allows me to keep in touch with classmates from high school and college, as well as co-workers from past and current employment. I have met many people playing a few online games I enjoy. At this point in my life, given my work schedule of 4 AM to 12:30 PM, I have little opportunity to meet with those I would like to in person. I hope someday when I have the luxury of retirement, I will be able to see a few more than I currently am able to. Social media has also let me have a sort of insider track on what these people do for a living now, what their hobbies are, and many events that take place in their life. I am thankful for that. I have the pleasure of doing this at a convenient time and place for me.

There are parts of social media I do NOT enjoy. People getting on soapboxes, but it is their right to proclaim their affinity and desire to support such things. I find myself scanning those post quickly and moving on. Politically charged posts also are not favored by this woman. Again, it is your right to put what you believe in on your page, and I am in agreement with this. I also dislike people that spend most of their time online tooting their own horns, as well as whining about their intolerable lives and things that have befallen them. Again, this is their right and it is good they have a place to vent, argue, rant, rave and socialize in a way that may benefit them in some way or another. It has opened my eyes up to see why some former friends, classmates, workers, etcetera have fallen out of my regular"rotation" to spend time with, converse with or even get together with. Selfish and self-centered people have never been my cup of tea, I prefer the company of empathetic social type individuals, those who care about others almost as much as they care for themselves and family members or close/beloved friends.  Many hours are spent enjoying some posts, while I shake my head and wonder what people are thinking in other posts. Human nature and behavior is always interesting to me. The whiners with their myriad of issues just seem to not get finding the good in any given situation. I am no Pollyanna, but life is better when the positives are derived and accentuated in any situation.

Some of the people I have known the longest puzzle me the most. They have made no effort to stay in touch in the real world, despite living less than a 15 minute drive away. There are a few with lives busy like mine that I see one or two times per year, these are the friends that are rare and precious jewels in my crown of life. The rest, well, we just have nothing in common any more, maybe we never did. I do not mourn their absence in my real life, I just remember the good times and hope their lives are good and prosperous. No one is any busier than I am, nor am I less busy than they. It is what it is, and times we once shared are mere memories and will stay embedded in my memory for all time

We are the same, yet we are now different. Our circles revolve around different things, different places, pursuits that are not alike, family that is important to and for us. Having lost both my parents and my eldest brother as well as my nephew and a few other relatives, I cherish their memories and hope they slow down their own activities enough to enjoy those still residing on this short journey we all have on Earth. Make the best and most of your time, today is here, and tomorrow is not promised to any of us. I challenge you that read this to reach out to someone that is important to you, either then or now. You will not be disappointed,nor will they,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Balance in all things~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Goodbyes

How do we say goodbye to those we lose? Losing people we adore, love and enjoy in our lives is never an easy task. Many of our goodbyes are semi-permanent as well. When someone close to us in some way passes away, we hold memories of them in our heart and mind forever, saying goodbye only to their physical presence in our life.When we change jobs, or addresses, we lose folks as well in those situations. Try as we might, most time we lose the connections we had to these folks on a daily basis. We mean to stay connected, but life's obligations and rhythms make it difficult much of the time. Sometimes we lose folks in our life due to differences of opinion, those situations are tense and hard to deal with in their own way. Sometimes we try to meet on a middle or neutral ground, but often in such terse situations, try as we might, success is not achieved to remain connected and meaningful in our exchanges.

Ways to cope with loss vary from person to person, truly there is no right or wrong way to grieve a loss of any kind. Sometimes we may not understand the persons ways of dealing with the remains of their memories and feelings, but it is their way and judging them is not beneficial to them or to you. Support is what folks need in these times as well as acceptance. When one can find coping mechanisms to deal with their loss, it helps them to lead a happier life, though life can and never will be what it was. That leads me to what life is full of, and that is change. Change is something we have all the time, people and situations move in and out of our life much more often and rapidly we might like it to occur. These are things we cannot control, the sooner we can realize that the easier the change itself might be to deal with for us.

At a beloved job, I learned about dialectical behavior therapy. One of the key components is radical acceptance. There are things in life we somehow just have to accept at face value, for what is is and do our best to move forward, and we all move forward at different speeds. It is okay that we all process our situations in different ways and on different time tables. We should be less judgmental of how people do process things and give them room to go on at their own pace in their own time. I will also add here, that some people seem to stay stuck in the angst the remainder of their lives, never truly able to let go of some of it and move forward. When loss becomes obsessive, it will often drive others away, leaving some wondering where their support committee went. It also means one needs be cognizant of where they want life to go. I am not saying people should forget, but one needs to learn what they can about themselves, and take the necessary baggage from the past and keep it where it needs to be for them to live productive and a life as fulfilling as possible.

I also am reminded of many people saying, you do not know how or what I am feeling, you have no way of knowing. I like to reflect back, of course I do not know, I am not you and cannot begin to feel what you feel within your heart and soul. To counter I like to add, and you cannot feel what I have dealt with in terms of loss, either. I can only attempt to support you, listen to you and be there in some small way. People that want to help want to do just that. Sometimes it is awkward to know just what to say or do, but your circle of people will want to help in some fashion, no matter how small to let you know they care. Being a helper/listening individual I find myself in support mode frequently and want to help others with their goodbyes and issues with them. I am not an expert by no means, just a willing empathetic soul that has a need to reach out and be there, even for some I barely know.

Goodbyes are rarely totally terminal, we tend to keep some of the morsels of the person, job, experience etcetera  in our memory locker, to pull out in fond remembrance or to warm our soul on those difficult days.Even when we try to erase things and people from our conscious, we retain fragments that pop up at unexpected moments. From my experience, most of these fragments make me smile or remind me of an important lesson of life that I learned. In closing, there is truly no average or standard in goodbye and dealing with loss of any kind, one has to deal with it from their own need as well as desire to move on with this journey we call life.


                                                       ~~~balance in all things~~~

The View from Here

Lately when reading others social media posts I try to connect with what they are feeling, seeing, and experiencing. Sometimes this is desperately difficult, I share my day to day goings on easily and often, things we cook, things we do and projects we are working on here in my home of thirty years. Many people are very vague in their postings, others are much more public than I ever would or could be, I was raised by two loving and wise parents, youngest of five, one sister and three brothers. We were all taught to do our best job on everything we did, to help out in any way we could and to not be burdensome to others .Part of not being burdensome was keeping the most of ones sorrows and troubles hidden from most, shared only with those we loved, or very close to. I have had my share of troubles, sorrows and shameful things in my life, only my tight knit circle know about the lion's share of them. Putting ones heart out on their sleeves can be dangerous for oneself as well as others. When my twenty year marriage dissolved, I needed to seek outside therapy as I was obsessed with the loss and could not overcome it without the help of two female therapists who helped me put all in perspective and helped me realize what strength I had  now and then. I am ever in their gratitude for waking me to my own resilience and wisdom in life, Colleen and Linda, wherever you may be, greatest thanks indeed.But, back to the business of social media and too much self revelations shared and spread.

When you find yourself at a loss for your life, it is not a sign of weakness to seek help, in fact it is strength when you realize you just cannot get thing together or past things without others to kindly and gently point you in the direction you need to go in. Continuing to stay stuck does not help you to resolve anger, hurt, disappointment, loss and all those other things you are bombarded with on a daily basis. Never compare your own situation as not as bad as someone else, or worse than someone else. After all, we are not in one an other's shoes or situations, so how can we truly know what they are feeling deep within their deepest recesses? Simply said, we just do not and should never disenfranchise another with their feelings or life situations. To not be validated by others is indeed a feeling that most often elicits anger and hurt, so try your best to understand others and where they are coming from. Telling me, or others, that I just do not know what you have been through is just inaccurate as can be. Perhaps I have not suffered the same losses you have, but nevertheless, I have had my own as well as others have also. Keeping an open mind and heart helps one to heal themselves also.

I have found for ME, what works is true and genuine concern for others plights and situations, trying to assess their situation and be and do what I can and they will allow me to in order to assist them in some way, even if it is only a small way. Sadly, I have found many people that are so self involved and self absorbed, that they just do not seem to be able to focus outside of themselves in most ways. For me, this was the key for self healing and a resolution of sorts to my deep and painful hurt and sorrow. Which brings us back to seeking outside help, someone we can trust, if possible a professional, to help us get back on a day to day road and routine that can get us some bit of satisfaction once again in our daily lives. The biggest hurdle to overcome is the fact that most likely that this necessitates change, and change is not an easy thing to embrace, as we all have experienced at one time of another in our life.

Excuses like labeling oneself do not assist either, it just gives us an excuse to stay stuck where we are with a false reason of sorts to stay there and continue to spin our wheels. Before you realize it, your wheels are stuck as though in a bed of concrete. I know some that say well, I am an introvert, I cannot do what you do. Kind soul, one is not expecting you to do exactly as I do, but get out of your own way so you can look objectively at things and get more out of life than your current  focus seems to be getting you to.

The biggest hurdle for me was to learn to trust again, but only a chosen few. Feelings close to the heart and soul need to be protected so one does not experience more hurt, and finding that person you trust can be difficult, but not impossible. Sometimes the person you need to trust more is right in front of you when you look in the mirror, self-doubt can cripple and keep you stuck and not assist you in moving forward.

Those few of you that wish to remain stuck, and mostly miserable, remember this is a choice. Attitude is a decision, as is life paths and moves we all make. Consider what you want and make a list, some things in life we can never regain, but we can gain other things once again to help us feel we are living the life we want and need. Balance is the key to inner peace and self -harmony.

Time(s) A Changin'

We turned our clocks ahead one hour this morning at 2 AM. From reading a few social media posts as well as "acquaintances" blog posts, one would think this is the beginning of the end for some, To me it is just another example of useless bemoaning of a simple one hour issue. I am sure there are some that can point out the ill effects of this one hour time change, and feel free to comment and state what these issues are. Personally, I feel it is just more of the usual whining, complaining and griping most folks seem to do. The effect it has on me is minimal, I admit I enjoy looking at the clock and seeing the longer daylight hours. The clock is where the change is, and so many live by the clock and have to. Those of us  that work have a time clock to punch, unless we are in a job where exact work start and stop are not regulated. I have had both kinds of jobs, clock dependent and non-clock dependent, personally, I prefer the clock dependent kind. My work day begins and ends in an orderly fashion, which for this lover of routine is a good thing. I thrive on routine and order, chaos still enters my life, but with my environment controlled as much as I can, it is less damaging to me.Anyone that knows me, which today is only a hand full of folks, realizes my love of order which for me keeps life's issues at a minimum.This works for ME, though I do not recommend this lifestyle for everyone, one needs to find and adapt what works for THEM.

Hating daylight savings time (DST), is akin to the Monday haters out there, along with those that live for Friday afternoon and the weekend.It is like everyone has to have an issue to gripe about and moan and groan they do. If the worst thing life hands you is a one hour shift in your day ONCE per year, the horrid thing of needing to get up every Monday and begin another week of work, then consider yourself lucky and blessed. Finding what is wrong with life and the situations we encounter seem to be the focus and purpose in many life of so many people. Why not flip it and find what is right in life,and focus on that instead? While not all will agree or be able to adapt this mode of thinking, why not try? Since life is what we make it, why not make it the best it can be? In closing, one also has to remember that the universe does not revolve around each of us, it is a broader picture than that. If we think of others some of the time, perhaps our gripes and complaints might be better placed in perspective. Enough said...enjoy your day, enjoy your life, whatever you choose to do.

Respectfully Yours

I recall a time when life was simpler, or else I had less knowledge and worries. A time where people were courteous and respectful to one another and thought before they spoke or acted. If you really wanted to know someone's opinion, you asked it and most times they gave it and in a decent manner for the most part. If you did not want an opinion most times no one gave it to you unsolicited. People had troubles, sure, but most did not feel the need to publicize them and try to elicit pity or a cheering squad. You knew people well enough to know and support them as you could and would. You knew people well enough, those close to you at least, to know their dislikes, likes and the like. You may not always have agreed, but you chose to be respectful and appreciate their choices as best you could.  It was a slower time in terms of technology, but looking things up manually was not as horrid as one might think.  We played outside, rode bikes places and had no gadgetry to speed up meal preparation, and no digital dictionary. We added numbers using pen and pencil on paper, calculators came later, but were seldom allowed in exams.We spent time with one another, friends made time for each other, family had meaning and was not placed on the back burner. We were busy then also, but in a different way. Perhaps many of my memories translate to the way I was brought up, and our value systems are all different as day and night. Seems a key element is that is missing is simple respect for all people and things.

Recently as I peruse social media pages, I am happy to see so many acquaintances and see their mostly positive posts. A few closer friends as well as family are there as well, and I am pleased to be able to see their posts as well as what is going on in their lives. I also have connections from high school days, past workplaces and individuals who either play the same online games I play, or did, and see their postings and mostly enjoy staying abreast of their worlds.On social media, as in everyday day to day real life, there are negativities and things that border on just plain idiotic. I glance at those and move on, grateful to not be in their galaxy any more.Then there is the vague post, where it is a hook to get you involved in their drama du jour.  Politics and causes are rampant, and some of those posts are meaningful and factual, which is a lot more than I can say about much of our media stream these days. It has been enlightening to see who is for what cause or what politico running for office. I care not to discuss politics online, but respect others like of doing so. Other people are like the traveling salesmen of days gone by, selling their wares to the consumer, only in an electronic/digital way. It is an interesting way to access products you wish to own and makes life easy in some ways.Then there are those who like to label themselves and align themselves to a specific group or type of person, for me that is a kin to needing to belong or make an excuse for why they do what and as they do.  For myself, I try to post glimpses into my life as well as memes that I find useful or helpful in some small way. If I do not agree with or like your post I am more likely to send you an offline message than to reply negatively on your page, it is just who I am, and works for me. Most times though I barely know you, now or anymore, so I choose to take no action, unless you have posted something that is an untrue urban legend type of thing, then I might respond and direct you to Snopes.com where you can, and should, check out the validity of what you are so fiercely aligning yourself to or with. Mostly I find recipes I like, products I enjoy, crafts I hope to someday find time for and such pleasantries as that to post to my Pinterest page for perusal at a later time. I might also post something to one of my three adult children's pages that struck a chord for me, as well as family members that are on social media. Once again the bottom line comes down to respect, and I have been guilty of not giving that sometimes. I strive to keep my respect meter in place, and sometimes will comment, then quickly either not hit the enter button, or remove said post in a short time. I guess for the most part I want to create as much harmony in a world where the disharmonious seems oh so rampant and out of control lately.

You may ask why do I blog such as I am right now. Its a need I have to put my thoughts and feelings out in the written word. I am not a novelist nor an author, no intentions of being either. I am a human and have a love of words and writing my feelings out into words that are cohesive, at least to me. You may choose to read or ignore, and I respect your decision to do what is best for you in this matter and all things in life, provided it hurts no one else. With that I remain, respectfully yours. 

Tolerance

Tolerance is being patient, understanding and accepting of anything different

Tolerance is that quality that I have possessed for many years. In fact, it goes back to my childhood days and was learned at a young age through many events that made me stronger, wiser, but often saddened by the intolerance and indifference shown by others. As I have gotten older, I find my tolerance dwindling to a degree. I tend to no longer mince words or keep my opinion to myself. I tire of people promising things and never doing even one bit of what they say they will do. I used to clam up and say nothing, now I tend to tell someone exactly how I feel, but without cruelty, just unabashed honest truth. I like the older me, I am less likely to get walked on, I know exactly who I can and who I cannot count on. My friends basically are countable on just one hand, and we are not talking "friends" as defined in the social media realm. I never worried much about makeup, hair, clothes, styles or trends. I still feel that way. Sure I can dress up and polish myself when the occasion calls for it, but mostly I wear comfortable clothes and shoes, no make up and wear my hair short. I do most of my clothes shopping online, I am one of those women who truly does not like shopping for such things. I love to try new products, and love colognes, lotions and perfumes. What I wear, how I dress, and all that jazz, I do for me and not for those around me. In my work life, I dress according to our dress code policy. I value being employed and want to keep a low profile in that respect, no sense in sticking out like a sore thumb. I do not enjoy sports, either watching or attending, and for that I will not apologize. I do not enjoy watching television, when a show interests me, I wait until it is out on Netflix and stream it, watching in short binges for my own enjoyment. I read mainly news articles and very little fiction. I enjoy true crime writers the very best of all. As a teenager, I read Truman Capote's In Cold Blood, and was totally engrossed in it. While it was, and is, a frightening account of criminal and horrible acts committed, I was stunned yet could not stop reading .To this day I still read mostly true crime novels. In high school, I read some romance writers, Victoria Holt being amongst them. It was the genre most of my friends read, and to fit in, I read it too. Fast forward to my days of my first apartment and true independence. I stopped reading romance then, most of it is formulated and trite, and easily guessed as to what the outcome will be. I respect that it sells well and it is a great form of entertainment for many, but it is just not my cup of tea at all. I dislike labels and those that people attach to others as well as themselves, I even wrote about this recently. I find many on social media as well as people I once hung with or was a friend to and with seem to need to label themselves for identity purposes or even for an excuse. I listen to them intently and will often ask them, so, you need an excuse why you do this or that? I follow up with, why not just say you do not enjoy this or like to do that and have it at that? Seems people need labels as an excuse or rational behind what they do or do not do.  I do not follow political posts to a great deal either, its just who I am. Yes, I am aware of who is running, what they stand for and all that detail, but in the end, my vote will be cast on my own opinion, and not someones rambles on social media. Having once been the brunt of personal affronts and attacks, I feel pain when I see someone being treated or spoken of unkindly. That being said, I try to treat everyone as kindly as possible, given whatever the situation at hand. Each work day for a ten hour period, I do customer service, both outbound and inbound calls, thankfully no sales are involved. I treat each person with respect, even though at times the person on the other end of the phone is less than that to me. I am an ambassador to the company I am employed by, I am paid to keep an even keel and provide the best possible service and answers I am able to.It is really simple and easy to do. I find in my day to day life when dealing with the public, I am pretty much the same way, non-judgmental, non-confrontational and a good listener. In fact, immodestly I will say my listening skills are my number one attribute along with being empathetic and understanding. That brings me to my subject I began with, tolerance. Those I do not know well I tolerate to a different extent and rationale that those I am more familiar with. Why, you may ask? Well, those I do not know I truly do NOT know. I am not familiar with their life, the events and all of the small and large details, so I give the benefit of the doubt. Others that I know to a greater extent, I have more information on and know when they need tolerance and when they are just being a brat, plain and simple. Those I am closest to, get my most tolerance, for I know them intimately and know the extent and detail of their suffering and what they have endured. Then there are yet others, whom I once knew pretty well, but time and circumstances have distanced us and when I reunite with them on social media, I either am as tolerant as ever, or I find myself irritated at them and how they have changed from whom they used to be, or appeared to be back in the day. I feel saddened to think that someone I once knew so well has changed so much, but then again, so have I. I have had a life no more exciting or ordinary than most, but my life is just that, MINE. No one can live it for me, and I need to make myself and those in my small circle happy and content with where we are. I no longer have time to try to convince past friends to meet up and have coffee or go to a movie or dinner, if we wanted to be in one another's life, we would, plain and simple. I used to feel badly that others did not stay in touch with me or even try, but even that is a two way street. I do have people I rarely see, but when we do get together, it is just as though no time has passed and we are immediately in sync once again, much like a comfortable sweater, well worn and loved. We do not need to brag or speak in volumes of our successes and such trite things. We speak of our life, and what has happened since we last got together. It is not about one oneupmanship  it IS about reconnecting and staying in tune with them as best we can in the short time we have to play catch up.So, basically I have just prattled on about this and that, but I needed to say things and this blog is the best way for me to express myself. No one may ever read this, and even if they do, they may not understand. It is okay, this I do for me, and if it helps someone else along the way, then it is a good thing. After all, life is not a competition and it is not a stage play, a novel or anything close to it. It is what we make it, and we all are only in it for a short while, so make it the best you can.

Label Me Not

So many things are labeled these days, and many of them are attributes or groups people belong to, Some in my wide circle of acquaintances call themselves introverts.Others call themselves disabled, gluten intolerant, political activists, the list goes on endlessly. Unless it is an inanimate object, it has not been my preference to label people. We are so much more than who or what we identify ourselves as. First and foremost, we are humans. Perhaps some of our treatment of one another is less than human, but at the core of our existence, we are humans, flesh and blood beings capable of many and varied things. When I worked in the mental health field, I detested people being labeled. Nasty names like bi-polar, schizo-affective  socio-pathological  depressed, and that list goes on to the nth degree. These are not who people are, they are diagnosis that should be used only for billing purposes, or to receive some sort of benefits due to a disability. Much like heart disease, diabetes, multiple sclerosis, cancer, lupus and multiple other diseases. They serve no positive purpose in getting to know a person, and I mean really know them. In other classifications, people call themselves friends to others, both in person and on social media sources. Just because you occasionally commiserate with another person does not make you friends, a friend is someone who shares a deep knowledge of you, deeply aware of your good, bad and a host of other information. They care about you deeply, most often love you and accept you flaws and  gifts equally.Recently I have become increasingly aware of people using a broad definition of friendship, and often times, they really do not understand the word.

Part of me wonders why some feel the need to label themselves so outrightly and proclaim their akin to those groups of traits. I prefer to think of everyone as a whole made up of all those facets, without any one taking center stage in a good or in a negative light. You can call yourself Mother, Father, animal lover, sister, brother, cousin, worker, writer, publicists, nurse, doctor, and the list goes on and on. These are roles we play, but do not make up the sole qualities of the person. On Facebook I see many proclaiming themselves as introverts. Funny, we all have that quality from time to time, and no one I personally have met is that and nothing more. For the most part, and I expect some nasty replies, most peopleI have known  that label themselves as  introverts are self-centered, self serving and narcissistic in behavior.  Sure not all, but some are that and then some. Preferring solitude to the company of others is a preference, not a lifestyle, though some make it their soul purpose in life to embrace the group they most identify with.  I personally find myself with traits of both the introvert and the extrovert, depending on the situation, my comfort level and other factors. I prefer to be known for myself, the multi-faceted and  diverse individual I have become over the past sixty one years. No one group describes me, nor anyone else for that matter.

The bottom line in all this is to avoid labels, for yourself, your friends and acquaintances, but learn to love all of who you are and what makes you the happiest in life. Most often I find pleasing everyone is impossible, and  no longer defines me except when I need to fit in a certain situation I may encounter or need to conform to or in. Some of you will understand my little piece here, some will scratch their head and wonder what the heck I am talking about. Either is good, as if you have read this far, I have managed to make you think about yourself and others in a different light. 

The Metamorphosis of Friendship

Since I was made aware that today is National Best Friend Day by a past school friend, it seized me as the perfect opportunity to discuss the issue of friends and the types of friendships we forge over the years. Perhaps  I will define the types of friendship I believe most of us have  and have had. We first of all have childhood friends, those we meet in our youth, remain friends with through our grade school days, and, if we are lucky, far beyond. When we truly forge great friendships at this age, we can be lucky and stay in regular and active contact with these friends.

Often times, the next friend we have are the college or work friends. People we see each and every day either in classes or at our work venue. We get to know them  through this daily exchange and many times it continues outside of the workplace and beyond our terms at college or our tenure at our jobs.

Next may come the friends we make when we have children, often they can be neighbors we meet, parents of our children's

 friends or classmates, and we mesh with them so perfectly they become friends even well past the friendships of our children and last beyond their school years.

We continue to make friends throughout our lives, at workplaces, hobby and learning environments, support groups and the whole gamut of social interaction, including electronic social media. Due to the changeable nature of life itself, our friendships often become transient, people move away from the area, the job, or even from us. We lose friends through arguments, even through death. Nevertheless, their influence in our love remains for the balance of our existence.

At my age, my closest friends are from past work places , college days and my children's grade school days. They were in my life at a time where things for me were changing, and I needed their wisdom, and ability to help me remain stable and for them to be sounding boards for  my issues, feelings and decisions. They have remained the backbone of what I consider true and unconditional friendship. Unfortunately my friends from childhood are are no longer pivotal in my life. I value what they contributed to me way back when, but we have not stayed in contact in many ways, though no part of either party involved. Sometimes I am able to read some of their blogs and postings on social media and through a few phone conversations with some. I come to the realization that we have commuted to different ways and means of life, and have spun out of one another's circles. The relationships are over for the most part, but the memories remain etched indelibly into our hears and minds. At this point in my life I also have some decent work friends, but only a few of these overlap outside the workplace boundaries. This group is especially important, as I spend a good share of ten hour days, forty hour weeks and part of the weekend with them. These friends entertain me, and I them. We often give one another feedback and support both inside and outside of the work place.

My dearest friends are those I do not see often, but whenever we do get together, it is like we pick up a well loved novel and are able to take up right where we last left off. We catch up as best and as often as we can, and know in our hearts these friendships are of the platinum variety, rare and beautiful, treasured and meaningful. I think friendships such as these come along only a few times in our life, and we recognize them quickly.

The nature of life keeps many of us from seeing any of our friends to the extend we might like or enjoy. Our work schedules often do not mesh, we have family obligations as well as home life to attend to. My biggest disappointment is when a friend makes little or no effort to meet halfway and commune even briefly on some level. I quickly dissolve my disappointment though, any relationship is not 50/50, but 100/100, so when one has less than their all to give, it is still a full relationship, with one taking up the slack in the situation. It is not an ideal or perfect world we live in, but perhaps looking at one another's ideas and values with friendships serves us with good purpose and reminders. It helps us define whom we are, what we want, what we are able to give and commit to. Since all of us have different expectations and definitions as well as needs in friendship, this way we might better understand why some are not in tune to it the same as we might be.

As always, I strive for balance and to maintain my equilibrium in my life and the lives of others I may touch of influence. Friendships were and are important in my own life.

Now and Then

So many things in our lives can be a comparison of now to then. I know I think about my past and know it has shaped me radically into the person I have become today. I also know that the person I am now may not be very well liked by some people that I could encounter today that I knew then. We all change, life has a way of doing that to us. I have found embracing change through radical acceptance when it is a difficult change just makes the process easier and less burdensome on me.

 In the recent past, my beau and I had a chance to reconnect with one of his childhood friends. The experience was eye-opening and educational, for many reasons which I shall discuss in this posting. He had not seen this friend in many years and they were close as children, spending many hours together and having many experiences together that they fondly as well as laughingly recalled years later. He did his best to reconnect with this past friend, problem was, they had both changed radically in the many years that had passed.. My beau has been through some difficult health issues, a failed marriage and family issues. His friend had health issues as well, is currently married to the same woman for over thirty years, has had several children as well as his share of heartaches and successes. When we first got together, it was fun and it was enjoyable to hear all their old stories of the childhood adventures and mishaps together. We always went to their house, and brought along some food or other things to share.Their young adult children were there most times and it was a busy household with lots of activity and a few young grandchildren folded into the mix. They clearly love their grandchildren and that was nice to watch their interactions. As time passed, the high activity became almost chaotic, to the point of jangling our nerves. We were guests in their home, and never passed judgement on the pace of things there, it was the norm for them and we could not nor would not expect them to change for us. We would leave and feel as though we needed to diffuse some of our jangled nerves with a cup of coffee and a leisurely drive home to peace and quiet that WE need to function. We never tried to have them over, we did meet them for dinner several times and they stopped by a few times, but I was at work. I know that some people need and like to have things on their terms, and it seemed this way with them so I did not try to have a get together with them at my home. His childhood friend's wife had also informed us of her HATE for cats, and with six of them in my home, knew that our home would not be a fitting place to gather. Fast forward about a year and we saw less and less of them due to all of our busy lives as well my days off had changed at my job. A few remarks were made that I may well have misinterpreted and my feelings were hurt. My beau and I talked things over and we decided we needed to divest ourselves of visiting and being friends with them, our differences were just to disparate to continue on with any sort of friendship. We stopped communications with them and have not regretted our decision.

Recently I have tried to rekindle some past friendships as well. There are a few people that I get together with only a few times a year, but that works and I value greatly the time we have together. The remainder of those I tried reconnection with just did not pan out at all. Sometimes it was due to my work schedule, sometimes the other person was too busy with their life and had no time to add any additional people or activities in it. Other times it has been that after some thought and consideration, I just realize we share no common bonds or interests anymore. What brought us together in the past was our school or work relationship, without those daily occurrences we became distant and disinterested in one another's company. Life happens and I accept this completely, though in some cases it has saddened me and made me wonder why they could not make the time nor communicate occasionally in some small fashion. Recently I have finally realized that some friendships and relationships do not stand the test of time when there is not regular interaction , and that as we have grown we have changed and sometimes have become radically different people than we once were.Often times the case is we make new friends to replace in some fashion the ones we once had.

Hold on to those memories of past relationships, use them going forward to provide you with laughs, reminiscent stories, as well as education of yourself to accept that change is inevitable in all things at all times. Differences we have as individuals are what make us unique and make us interesting to others. Bottom line is that importantly we need to respect each other despite our differences and realize we can not be friends with everyone, most of us know that. There is no need to disrespect and speak harshly because we do not see eye to eye or do as one another do.Perhaps seeing past friends in a different venue, such as a reunion, a chance meeting at a local grocery store or restaurant is enough in many cases to keep the distant memories fresh and remember things as they were then. Now is what is here and we cannot continue to regret that we cannot recapture what once was wonderful and cherished in its own way. The same holds true for parents that have become empty nested, hold on to the stories and memories of raising your children and people you interfaced with and let it provide you with fuel for the times you wish for what was. It truly is impossible to live in the past, but possible to keep the bits of it that make the story of who we are right now.

Grief, Loss and the Memory Locker

Both of my parents have been deceased for some time now, my Father, Arthur Moore passed away from colon cancer on October 31, 1983, my Mother, Birdie Bellinger Moore departed this world on May 10, 1998, at the age of 85. My oldest brother, Gary, died on January 25, 2005, at the age of 61, several months shy of his 62nd birthday, from sudden cardiac arrest. The death of loved ones, both family and friends is not easy in any respect of the word. My only sister Ruth lost her oldest son, Eric Parkhurst, December 17, 1997 in a tragic car accident in Arizona. I could name countless others who have passed away in my lifetime, many dear friends, former co-workers, other relatives, neighbors and friends of others I known. I speak of this today due to a former co-worker and  friend who has lost her sister, son and husband all in the course of nine short months, beginning last June 2015. Years filled with such multiple losses become blurs , though much of the circumstances of each event have clear recall at times when certain triggers bring to life those memories. Perhaps it is the protective actions in our brains that help us conveniently forget them for a length of time, though some lose none of the details of any events of this nature. Her loss brings to the forefront how losses have forever changed me, mostly strengthened my resolve,endurance and desire to live in the here and now, and stay positive and forward moving. That does not mean I have forgotten people, oh quite the contrary. Mostly I carry these people in my heart and mind, and for the most part the memories are positive , often tinged with a memory or a lesson we have learned over time.

People might ask, how do you stay positive? My answer is in a question form , "How could I not?" My parents and family gave me wonderful memories, sure a not so great one once in a while, but far and above, the best memories I have are good, and often simple. Events may trigger them, such as holiday times and foods and remembering fondly the celebrations our family would have. Often routines that led up to the celebrations are a part of the memory, such as things my Mother would prepare in advance for the celebrations, from as simple as cleaning the house, shopping for foods she would make and decorating the house or the yard. Traditions often get carried forward, and just as often we make our own new ones. These memories sustain us in the in between times that are mundane and not so memory inducing or making. Everyday life is often not memorable, but rather a repetitive occurrence we perform to transport us to the memorable, or good times we hope and mostly, do have.  Sometimes we place these past occurrences on such a pedestal, that no other event can ever compare to them. My boyfriend Rick and I have discussed this at length. In my case, I look at these as markers, something to remember and cherish, but I know that things of this caliber are once in a lifetime for the most part, and meant to be remembered, and truly not regretted or compared to current and future events. Perspective is what one needs to keep things in a proper frame and give credence to the past, without forsaking now or what is to come.

So, many of you may not understand where I am coming from or where this leads, but many of you do or will. Grieving is not an easy process, and is different from person to person, and no one way is right or wrong. Comparing how you deal with grief to someone else is a poor option, often leading to some self doubt or reprimand in ones mind. I caution people not to do this, it is never wise and let's face it, each of our stories is different and needs to be handled the way that works for you, not me, not others.Grieve in your own way, keep your own stock of memories to get you through now and future. Keep a memory locker of sorts so you can reinforce yourself on those difficult times where you feel overcome and overwhelmed by your grief and loss. This works in many situations, the loss of a marriage, friend, lover, fur child, whatever and whomever you hold dear to and in your heart. Grief is not just about death anyways. Its about change, loss, amongst so many other events. Whenever we feel or experience any kind of loss, it causes grief in one form or another.  filling one's memory locker is an important task to keep lessons, events, people, places and times we have enjoyed, learned a lesson from the event or person, or just to keep our own hope alive . Try  your best to fill it with good things, the occasional difficult event and cherished memories of people and times gone by to buoy us in the days to come.