Covert Missions

I often wonder about people who do things they need to keep secret or hidden from others. I can see the need when someone is planning a surprise of one kind or another. Beyond those situations, if you need to hide it, then you are ashamed, embarrassed, feel what you are doing is unacceptable to one or several others in your life, in simplistic terms, WRONG. I wonder if the secretive nature of it all is what the individuals participating in said activities find exciting. The belief that getting away with something you should not be doing is a cheap thrill of sorts, many people are positively addicted to the feeling obtained when they do something they think no one is aware of or that they will not get caught for doing. One often hears of financially well-off individuals that commit petit larceny for the adrenalin rush they get from doing it. I think this is a similar feeling some get when they flirt online and in public. It gets them a "rush" and they become so ensconced in performing this action, they seemingly forget they are doing it at all. It often becomes a part of how they interact with others in person and online in social situations. They even keep separate secret email addresses to have the missives sent to and from, of course, thinking no one is aware that such activity is present, yet alone exists.

The truth is, most of the time the astute observer knows something covert is occurring. Of course when the finger is pointed, often the reply is "this is not what it looks like, we are just long time friends!" My reply would be, well friends do not sneak around and keep their verbal activities stealth and behind locked doors, so to speak. True there are some genuinely overly jealous individuals in this world that misinterpret and see things that really are not as they seem. In such situations, I can truly understand the reason a person might keep a friendship on the down-low, but when one is a reasonable person, the hidden actions become suspect to being the kind of activity that can demolish a relationship and the trust it is built upon.Trust is a very important facet in every relationship we have, be it friend, lover, husband, wife, even employer/employee. It is something that takes time to build, and builds in layers until a sufficient quantity builds and one feels comfortable with the person and can let some of their guard down.Once trust becomes eroded or disregarded, it is most difficult to rebuild. It is certainly not impossible, but it is a tough thing to rebuild in any case.

When two people in such activities deny and make excuses for what they are doing, the biggest  fool is the people themselves. I pride myself on my being a reasonable person, and being forthright and open when I deal with friends and others I am in a relationship with. I do not promise things I cannot deliver, I try not to be a pest or judgmental, and most always attempt to put myself in their shoes, though sometimes this is nearly impossible to perform.There are many situations one can never imagine, and we all feel things to different degrees. Some cannot abide any kind of distress,where others are like triathletes, conditioned to take on several events without untoward results for them personally. Some of us tolerate too much, others much too little. Most of the time I find myself in the over-tolerance category, forgiving too easily, looking past bad habits or instances and just plain becoming a sort of "welcome mat", in an UN-welcome way of course! Our different reaction/actions make life interesting, and keep things from being too formulated and contrived.I don't consider myself to be a martyr, but sometimes I am aware I border dangerously close to it in some situations. I do my level best to not judge others for the past performances of others that have been in my life, but similarities in situations do tend to set the radar on in some cases.


To sum it all up, one should never be so certain that the activities they think are stealth, hidden, covert or whatever you want to name it, truly are any of those things. Most of the time the person that is targeted to be excluded is often acutely aware of the situation at hand, they just choose, for whatever reason, to just observe, tolerate and see to what extent they can let things accumulate. We all have different boiling points, and that is what can make the situation either boil over, or sit on the back burner, slowly cooking, waiting for the pot to boil dry. What eventually ensues depends on all the parties involved, not just those behaving as double agents in their lives.

Through Others Eyes

Life is essentially a wonderful thing, fraught with highs and lows, but mostly generic types of experiences that when we look back down the road , don't really stand out as good or bad, they just ARE. That being said, a life-long school friends inquiry as to my attendance at our fortieth high school reunion brought back a flood of essentially negative and difficult times. You see, gentle reader, beginning in fifth grade, I began the metamorphosis we label adolescence . I was taller than all the boys that year, began my monthly menses, had numerous ugly bouts with acne, and the usual experiences of the adolescent changelings body and mind. A new and, to me, very cute boy moved to our small town and that signaled part of my problems for the next decade of my life. Attractive as he was, and may still well be, he became my nemesis, taunting me to the point of tears countless times. Due to his popularity, most of the boys in my class and some of the girls as well, followed suit and joined in. From the casual observers point of view , it must not have looked like a big deal at all. Suffice it to say, from a first- person point of view, it was painful in multiple ways. Despite the best attempts of two different well- meaning teachers in elementary school, the taunting continued, sometimes subtly, other times overt and in my face. I grew a thick exterior and learned well the art of biting my lip to prevent tears from scalding my cheeks. I avoided many situations and social gatherings in high school. Grade- wise I did we'll, graduating 11 th out of my class of just under 100. It was after this segment of my life I moved away and healed, only to the larger city near that small town mentality, but I gained strength of purpose, character and conviction to never propagate such negativities in others lives. Working in the mental health field for over twenty years, my own experiences tempered my viewpoint as well as my approach to helping others. I became the strong woman I am today, the good listener and purveyor of positive affirmations and actions. I have found the knowledge to have gained so much through my own negative life experiences, almost nothing compares to my own " wonder years" in terms of lessons and influences. I will unashamedly admit I have assisted others to sift through remnants of what often is so very much worse than anything I ever went through, and assisted them in coming to terms with discomfort and self- reproach.

What this all boils down to is the reason I shall not be attending any present or future class reunions. I have a few cherished friends I have remained in contact with these forty past years, and connections with them are meaningful to me and have purpose. Spending time with the rest, well, not desirable in any way, shape or form. I cannot begin to allow my psyche to experience any flashbacks I haven't experienced since then. It serves no useful purpose in the continuum that is my life from now until its cessation. Life in its current form is good, despite two failed marriages , continued  battles with obesity, as well as other health issues. My mental health is strong, my physical health better than in many years, I am satisfied to stay firmly in the here and now and leave the past firmly where it's place is meant to be. I have forgiven as much as I can, forgotten little, but gained much from the hands life has dealt me.



Life is essentially a wonderful thing, fraught with highs and lows, but mostly generic types of experiences that when we look back down the road , don't really stand out as good or bad, they just ARE. That being said, a life-long school friends inquiry as to my attendance at our fortieth high school reunion brought back a flood of essentially negative and difficult times. You see, gentle reader, beginning in fifth grade, I began the metamorphosis we label adolescence . I was taller than all the boys that year, began my monthly menses, had numerous ugly bouts with acne, and the usual experiences of the adolescent changelings' body and mind. A new and, to me, very cute boy moved to our small town and that signaled part of my problems for the next decade of my life. Attractive as he was, and may still well be, he became my nemesis, taunting me to the point of tears countless times. Due to his popularity, most of the boys in my class and some of the girls as well, followed suit and joined in. From the casual observers point of view, it must not have looked like a big deal at all. Suffice it to say, from a first- person point of view, it was painful in multiple ways. Despite the best attempts of two different well- meaning teachers in elementary school, the taunting continued, sometimes subtly, other times overt and in my face. I grew a thick exterior and learned well the art of biting my lip to prevent tears from scalding my cheeks. I avoided many situations and social gatherings in high school. Grade- wise I did we'll, graduating 11th out of my class of just under 100. It was after this segment of my life I moved away and healed, only to the larger city near that small town mentality, but I gained strength of purpose, character and conviction to never propagate such negativity in others lives.I also learned this person did the taunting they did due to some sort of "little-man syndrome", so I hypothesize. Working in the mental health field for over twenty years, my own experiences tempered my viewpoint as well as my approach to helping others. I became the strong woman I am today, the good listener and purveyor of positive affirmations and actions. I have found the knowledge to have gained so much through my own negative life experiences, almost nothing compares to my own " wonder years" in terms of lessons and influences. I will unashamedly admit I have assisted others to sift through remnants of what often is so very much worse than anything I ever went through, and assisted them in coming to terms with discomfort and self- reproach.

What this all boils down to is the reason I shall not be attending any present or future class reunions. I have a few cherished friends I have remained in contact with these forty past years, and connections with them are meaningful to me and have purpose. Spending time with the rest, well, not desirable in any way, shape or form. I cannot begin to allow my psyche to experience any flashbacks I haven't experienced since then. It serves no useful purpose in the continuum that is my life from now until its cessation. Life in its current form is good, despite two failed marriages , continued  battles with obesity, as well as other health issues. My mental health is strong, my physical health better than in many years, I am satisfied to stay firmly in the here and now and leave the past firmly where it's place is meant to be. I have forgiven as much as I can, forgotten little, but gained much from the hands life has dealt me.I write to share my own journey, not to be published and gain fame or fortune, but more to elucidate others on how one can build on personal experiences, even when they seem ghastly or unbearable. I think we all have purposes in life, mine is to foster as much positive energy as one woman can put forth in a short time on this Earth we inhabit. It is through sharing that we give of ourselves, our wisdom, energies, and help others to see things from another viewpoint they may previously have been unaware of. We owe ourselves and others the experience we can gain from a heightened awareness of each of our life's journeys.

~~~balance in all things~~~

Subtle Sins

Sometimes in life people commit acts they are less than proud of, they do things covertly and find ways to be coy and less than honest. Perhaps it starts with a smile, a wink, a little flirtatious conversation and posturing. After all, you are not truly doing anything wrong, it is just a bit of flirting. I guess most of us have participated in this type of behavior a few times in our life, it is part of life's dance of courtship and is built into the core if our beings, no doubt a primal instinct that helped in ensuring sexual activity occurred and the population increased. The basal instincts in man and woman are just this, and some are better at this mating dance than others . It becomes a problem in modern day in that for me personally I have never been skilled at the art of being coy and flirtatious, I guess it's something we either excel at or fail at to one degree or another.

In many of my relationships this skill has been my undoing. Not so much due to my lack of finesse at performing and engaging in said activity, but in my past partners level of participation in these " subtle sins" with other females and their eventual wanderlust and straying outside of a monogamous relationship. Mild flirtation is to some degree tolerable, but when it escalates to a level that disintegrates a relationship, it crosses a boundary line that seems to become easier and easier to venture across. I fell prey to this the first time twenty or so years ago, I never saw it coming and was blind-sided and hit like a ton of bricks. I would say my first experience in this type of situation hurt the most, but I also learned the most from it. I would like to say it never happened again , but it has several times. Each time I have seen the signs earlier and earlier, but the situation has never been preventable on my part. I would venture to state that after the initial experience, I have just learned fighting back is futile for me. A big part of this is that my core feelings tell me when someone ventures down the slippery slope of this mating dance, that the wanderer is dissatisfied with their current partner and desires a new and more exciting experience. I shut down and let the person continue down their slope until they get to where they wish to be. By that time, romantic feelings and inclinations in me dissipate, and I am hurt to the point of no longer being interested in someone that I had been faithful to in every sense of the word . When one invests their core being in a relationship and this type of transgression is committed, trust levels dwindle to an extremely low level. Without trust, any type if relationship is bound to crumble, erode and split to pieces. I can honestly say I wish I did not have such a degree of understanding of situations such as these, but I do, having experienced it first hand as well as seeing others go through the dissolution of their own relationships. Personally, watching others endure some of the situations they encounter in their romantic relationships is far more agonizing that what I can personally attest to.

So it brings things around full circle, some would say they learned from what they went through and try again to enter into a relationship and attempt to reach that pinnacle of trust and love once again. Others will spurn any relationship in the future, only participating in shallow and non- committal experiences. You see when one has had the rug pulled out from under them, it is a very individualized psyche that develops and either lets us forgive, forget and either repair or move on to something different, or nothing at all. I lay no blame on either party or sex, it takes two to tango as they often say. For me better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all .I have hope and faith that life holds many good things in store for all of us, and continue to venture out on the proverbial limb to experience the joy and knowledge that relationships bring us. Certainly the price of such wisdom can be burdensome at times, but lessons we learn in life from all relationships we forge, including friendship, romantic, co-workers and family help us understand ourselves and others much more clearly.


       ~~~ balance in everything~~~

Changes

One of the absolutes in life is change, no matter what the situation we can expect it to occur, even when we believe it is unnecessary or even wasteful. Some of the changes occur due to passage of time, we age and people we know and love die, they move away, they change jobs, they marry, have children, the scenarios are countless and we all know there are countless types of change.

For me, change is usually a good thing. Even when I have to change my activity due to the fact that I am getting older and much less nimble, it is a good thing due to the fact it prevents me from injuring myself and helps me to find other methods of doing things that I have always done.

It is the changes we cannot predict, that bother me the most. You see someone finally get promoted to the position they have been waiting so long for, until the last minute, you forget it means they will no longer be directly in your circle. When this happens I see the past come floating into my mind, thinking of all the funny, sad, and great times I shared with that person. Thank goodness for the memories, or I would feel a sadness that would never lift.

Other changes one adapts to as best they can, you can see those coming, but it still means adapting to things being different and remembering to do things the new way.This can be especially difficult when one has become so firmly esconced in processing the given task in the same way for a very long period of time.

Although we often do not like change, the best result can be obtained by acceptance and doing one's best to adapt and move forward without too much complaining or irritation. Keep the memories to fuel you, and realize there are new ones yet to be made.

~balance in everything~

The Niche Under the Stairs

A friends mention of her closet and the seemingly endless supply of space contained within, transported me back to a place I had long forgotten. As a young child I spent countless hours in a small closet that fit neatly under the stairs in my childhood home. The door was made out of ribbed wood, and had a latch that turned. Inside was a light bulb with a small pull chain, lighting this small, cozy space making it perfect for a hideaway to transport a small child into her dream world and escape from the everyday life at my house. Most of the time this closet was used to store things, but some of the time I spent in it was wonderful and the ideal place for the youngest of five in a busy house. Seems many things stored under there were no longer used within the house, used variably or seldom used. I recall the Electrolux vacuum being one of the items, an old china lamp of a French Lord and Lady wearing powder wigs and not having a lamp shade any longer. A picnic basket was stowed under there as well, this was utilized on some of the family excursions via the station wagon to visit relatives or take a trip.I would ferret myself away in this little niche under the stairs, crayolas and a coloring book in hand to spend some happy time away from the hustle bustle of my older brothers and sister. As time went by, I might take a book in there to read. It was a wonderful escape for me, giving me respite from the outside world within my home, and a safe haven to imagine things and occupy my time. I even recall falling asleep in there a few times. Funny, I do not recall when I stopped spending time in there. Then I recall my parents blocked off the closet under the stairs, it was part of the kitchen remodeling project. Then ended my niche under the stairs, and oddly I have not thought of it again until today, and fondly I recall that little cozy space and it made me smile and feel a part of my past that was a "warm fuzzie" and will remain in a happy spot in my memory bank. Thank you Marti, for your part in transporting me back!

Laundry and Life

    Sitting here awaiting the completion of the wash cycles sure gives me time to contemplate many things. For nearly two months I have come to the laundromat to wash my duds and linens. The demise of my washer and dryer just days apart made this weekly journey a necessity . The most laborious part of this weekly endeavor is getting it to my vehicle. Most weeks I have accomplished that feat with the able assistance of the two sons and "da nephew", that too has been a blessing. Most times they also tote it in when I return . Getting many loads washed and dried in less time than at home has been a blessing as well. This time away is well-spent, never quite the same way twice. One time I had a lively and lovely conversation with a woman my age and in a similar life-mode. We found common ground immediately and enjoyed some great exchanges of life stories and ideas. Sometimes eccentric individuals engage me in conversation, and even these conversations are interesting and provide needed adult contact with the world outside of my co-workers and home dwellers. The routines many keep surrounding their laundry are often interesting and entertaining, in short, each time here has been enriching in its own unique manner .  I guess I am glad for the difference this unexpected change in my domestic routine has given me. I know it will be some time before I get the cash together to purchase a new laundry pair, but even the thoughts of that have given me fertile ideas and plans to hopefully execute in the future. I guess I never expected the displeasure over the demise of my two most used appliances to make a difference, but it has. Take today, I have had the time and opportunity to work on a blog entry. I enjoy my blog writing, and though I will never earn money doing this, I enjoy crafting my tale, developing the story and putting the words to "paper", then committing the words to a blog posting. In this case, I am entering my words on my trusty IPhone . Though the keyboard is small, it is easy to enter the words, edit and make the final copy to be set down as another entry in my ramblings. Though I am not a "writer" as such, I feel pride and satisfaction in producing my little vignettes. Do they make a difference? Sure, for me, mostly, but someone may read and it may inspire them to some sort of realization or action in their own lives. Just as I enjoy cooking, I cannot call myself a Chef, and though I sew and create seeing, needlework and other fabric arts, I am by no means an artist. Despite this, all my activities bring meaning to my life and make me the person I am and strengthen my mind, body and soul. I do these things for me, not to impress others. Life is too short to worry about pretentious acts to make others think I am anything but what and who I am.

In the humbling act of weekly laundry, I have found gratitude, solitude and enrichment, things I never found when staying within the walks of my home and completing the same ritual. It makes me proud of my strength, my abilities and my keen mind ever churning and making sense out of life's daily actions. Truly simplicity can find one grace and fortitude to keep marching forward with life's challenges , they are put there for reason and rhyme, of that I am certain.
                                                                ~Balance in all things~

Stepping Outside

There comes a time in everyone's life where you get caught up in the undertow and it feels as though you will never be released from the vortex you are caught in. I am thankful those times in my life are few and far between. Watching others in their struggles can often be nearly as difficult and a slippery slope to try to scale to assist the other person. You see, the key is you need to walk beside them and offer someone and something to hold onto, but in reality that other person has to truly do the work to get themselves released from that negative undercurrent. Sounds easy, but in most cases it truly is not. We tend to get so self-absorbed in the entire situation when we are floundering, that we lose perspective on where we have been, where we are and where we need to go. No one truly enjoys misery and being in the gloomies, but raising oneself from the "dead" is a hard lift to begin and complete. It takes strength, courage and pure determination to chip away at it, one step at a time. It seems to me one if the most difficult aspects is stepping outside of oneself, peering back in and figuring out the steps and path to take to begin the journey one needs to undertake. For me, that involved becoming cognizant of my strengths and weaknesses, and radically accepting the situation at hand.  For me, I also needed to learn to assist others in their plights, for in aiding others one gains a sense of purpose and increases their self worth to a degree that buoys and lifts them, giving the needed energy to continue one's own personal life journey. I learn so much from my own struggles, as well as from others . But one needs to remember to also focus on achievements, no matter how small or insignificant they may seem at the time. Each small degree of climb out of the depths brings us closer to brighter days and better times, which is why stepping outside of oneself is so very critical to success in ones own personal journey. Humans are truly not designed nor meant to journey through life without the support, company and wisdom of others. Solitary journeys sometimes are good, but most often we need others to make for a truly satisfying and meaningful experience.




~Balance in all things~