Negative Familiarity

     I often wonder what possesses people to stay involved with someone or something that has not been a good thing for them. I witness this all the time, women stay with men that are bad boys, that steal from them in countless ways, or just plain treat them badly.The same conditions hold true for men with women as well. If someone has some good points, often we try to convince ourselves that if we just hold on, they will change, or perhaps life will become somehow different for us. Truth is, as long as we continue to accept the situation as is, very little or no change will occur to make any concrete difference.Perhaps some people, men AND women, become addicted to things that are not good for them. I am not talking your run of the mill thing that is too fattening, unhealthy or bad for you in countless ways. I am talking about life stealing, contentment robbing, financial ruining, BAD kinds of situations. The addicted person so often seems bound to another person that is addicted to one thing or another. They treat you poorly, take constantly from you on multiple levels, and do not give back in any way, shape or form. Do these individuals have such poor self-esteem that they hang on to someone or something that they feel is the best they can do or will receive in life. I know some that are addicted to bad people, the misbehaving type that is always in trouble, but gee they excite you on a level you never have felt before. If you are constantly using them as an excuse why your life is the way it is, then part of the problem is YOU. People only use us when we LET them, simply put, if we tolerate, then they will continue said behavior to infinity. Perhaps we need this person for our excuse for staying "stuck", we can not abandon them or they will not survive. You may say, Robin, this is none of your business. In most respects it is not, but when witnesses multiple instances of someone you interact with on a regular basis getting used and allowing it, such observation starts to boggle the mind and create bother as well as wonder. When it starts to make a mark on one's soul, then I have to justify it, rationalize it or work towards removal of the offending parties. My psyche just cannot tolerate negativity on this level at all.
     Key in this equation that it is THEIR life, not mine. When their life intersects with mine and it starts to have an effect on my own well-being and soul, then it is time for me to take the bull by the horns and either work to help them effect change, or remove them from my life to eliminate it from my circle of life. Despite the main issue being THEIR issue, when it gravitates into my realm, then action of some sort must be made.I have to keep my sanity and realm calm for me and those I hold near and dear. Let them continue with their devil-may-care behavior, but I for one do not need continued drama to occur in my homestead.
     Their own behavior is their responsibility at this point, not mine. My head shaking and observations have not changed them OR their behavior one iota. I choose not to tolerate them or their lifestyle any longer. If it has caused me pain and suffering, even if they cannot or choose not to see it, it is my own responsibility to remove the offending party and situation as swiftly, yet kindly as permissible. I find no need to do like harm to them, they suffer already and seem not to mind it, but I do not need to heap an extra helping of harm on their already unsteady plate of life. It is my own form of Hippocratic oath, first do no harm. This simple formula helps one have a decent life, without too much regret or worry over payback, either from the individual, or the universe. Kind of like the golden rule we learned, well most of us, as small children. It is part of being a reasonable, responsible and healthy individual, and following some of those basic tenets we learned at the knee will help us have a good life and create positive ripples in the world itself.

                                                          ~~~balance in everything~~~

Finding Joy

 Some years ago I lost my sparkle , my shine if you will . Or , at least I thought I did . Christmas that year was so difficult. My Father had died on Halloween that year, the loss was fresh and stung incredibly bad. Having a nearly two year old daughter sure helped take my mind off that loss. Her complete wonder of the lights and wonder of Christmasy things was a delight to behold. She was an only child that year, and would be for a few more. My Mother seemed okay, sending cards to her friends and family . She stayed busy with things, I am sure it helped her cope. We all gathered at my sister Ruth's home for a pre - Christmas get together, at one point or another all the Moore children were there. It helped to be together , to commiserate and remember Christmases gone by as well as sweet and funny stories and memories of our Dad.

Fast forward, oh say, about ten years. Once again the sparkle had disappeared . This time my children's father had left us , he no longer wished to be in residence . He left a short twenty days before Christmas, he stayed overnight Christmas Eve, sleeping on the couch. Our children were still reeling from his departure, as was I . It all felt so surreal. They had many nice gifts under the tree , it looked like Christmas , but it sure did not feel like it. Still , it was easier than the first time I lost my sparkle , thankfully I had lots of glittering memories of the very best man in my life , my Dad. We made it through that year , traditions changed dramatically , and a few years later , my three children went each Christmas Eve , to be with their Father and his new wife.

On and off I lost my sparkle for Christmas, but I always found it again. You see, it never really left me , I only thought it had . It lived in my heart , for my sparkle originated from my days as a child and the meaning of Christmas for me . I learned all I needed to do was look inwardly, pull up a piece of truly happy and simple times , and that glittery sparkle shone brightly all over again. Sometimes it was memories of Christmases gone by, other times it was childhood memories of fun , family, traditions and sincere kindness and goodness towards others. I think all of us have this inner fuel we can call to the forefront when we need it , it is always there for me. Finding joy in life is just that simple , often we make it so much more difficult than it needs to be. For me , it always helps to put words down like this, I see the value and splendor in life clearly all over again . In remembering the past and those no longer in out present , we can rekindle the best of times and people, to make the here and now as important and meaningful as those times gone by .

This year my eldest lives in NYC, near yet far . I will miss him at Christmas, as I do now many times each day , but I have lots of shards of sparkling memories that make me smile and laugh.About a dozen years ago, my only daughter and oldest child moved out on her own, what makes this easy is that she lives locally. Though we may not see each other each day, or even weekly, it is comforting to know I can be connected to her in just the short time it takes to drive to her home here in town. My youngest still resides here on the home-front, mostly due to an unkind economy. I am know that someday he too will move out and on his own, but for now I am comforted that his presence is here and that I can rely on him to assist me in doing things here at home, for the time that this home continues to be where I reside. As adults, we all learn too soon that our lives will change as we age and mature, in some ways that we do not want to occur, but life is this way. As our offspring become more independent, we mature and become more dependent on them to provide that sparkle, either in the form of visits, grandchildren, memories and re-kindling of days and times gone by, but fondly remembered for one reason or another.

The sparkle and glitter still live on inside, sometimes it just has to be searched for and brought back to life.


                                                  ~~~ balance in everything ~~~

Ordinarily Plain

There are times in life when you want to stand out from others, though most times I admit I would rather blend in and not attract attention to myself in any way, shape or form. For some reason, my mind today wandered to the past, and in a sort of negative way. Being the positive person I am, I hesitate to travel very far down these paths that lead to thoughts that are defeating mentally, spiritually and emotionally. The holidays can push me down this path, and no clear-cut rhyme or reason, it just occurs from time to time.

I dreamed of past times, things long in my past. I awoke, and though I did not feel horrible, I sensed I somehow needed to visit the thoughts that I most often bottle away and rarely open. A sort of mental Pandora's box, though it is not pretty to look at or into, sometimes it just gets open, and some of the demons need to be let loose for a time. It led me to wonder how some people become the reason for living for some others, and that how I have not been that romantically to or for anyone ever in my life. What formed in my mind was the above, ordinarily plain. Kind of like a generic peanut butter sandwich, with jelly that is not inedible, but certainly not memorable. On and off all day, this phrase has come floating up in my mental collective, but I kept jamming the lid back on and hoping the nagging thoughts would dispel and dry up for the time being. Alas, that was not to be the case.

So, here I am putting words to type, hoping to disperse the demons by giving them thought and space for a time, but then closing the portal, and keeping the negatives shut away for a day far and away into the future. Seems those romantic novels and tales young girls often grow up reading, seeing portrayed on television and on stage haunt me at times. You want desperately to be someone's pinnacle, to be the apex of their being, to be their raison d'etre. Of course the practical me illustrates the full meaning of this below:

rai·son d'être

noun \ˌrā-ˌzōⁿ-ˈdetr^ə\

: the thing that is most important to someone or something : the reason for which a person or organization exists

Realistically, I know that this is a rare occurrence, and  that this is the stuff novels and stage plays can consist of. Though sometimes in life one sees this happen in the lives of others, and some of us yearn to be that epitome of reason for existence for another human. Still, the girl in me remembers her young dreams of being this to and for another . Logically, the practical woman in me knows that, for the most part, this is sort of an irrational desire in the scheme of life. It does not happen very often, and sometimes when one thinks they see it happening, it is a contrived state of being. Thankfully, the heart and the head come to a middle ground and can exist and not live in a state of regret that this has never come to pass.

Long ago I had a dream where I was always allotted to ride in the back seat of the car. I know psychologically this has a powerful meaning and message for me. The situation at the time was not a nice one, suffice it to say this dream mimicked my actual life more than I cared to admit to myself at the time. Several happenstances of this dream made me realize that I needed to let go, that I could never have the place of importance I so yearned for with this situation. Though it was painful, it helped me immensely to feel better about the situation, and know that I would be okay after all the pieces settled, and I could begin to mend the puzzle, and make life meaningful and good once again. Life did, and it has become decently good. 

My recent dream has also been a repetitive one, making me examine my past. My present is a wholly decent one, I feel positive about the direction life is going and much of the time, feel valuable and grateful for all I have, all I am and all that will be. I find staring some of my regrets and missed opportunities directly in the face assist me in getting past the stone I have tripped on, so to speak. I have learned to try to never compare myself with others, or they with me. We are each unique, and it is what makes the universe such a wonderful place. Yet today, I had to pause and wonder, why haven't I ever been that speck of meaningful existence for another, revered and held in great importance to another, my dream brought me there yet again. This leads me to realize that I do not expect anyone else to be my reason for living and being, in fact that responsibility lies totally within me with some input from my life experiences, past, present and future.

Happiness is not determined by what’s happening around you, but rather what’s happening inside you.  Most people depend on others to gain happiness, but the truth is, it always comes from within.Seeing the thoughts on paper, sifting them through the colander that is my mind, helps me remove the "lumps" and make life the reasonable and happy place it is destined and meant to be.

Bill Wilson — 'To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world.' ... I think this quote sums it up to a point, at any point in our lives we may have been the apex of being for another, but we often do not realize it. This is the way it is meant to play out, it keeps us humble and human, and responsible for our own happiness on the road that is life.

                                      ~ ~ ~ Balance in everything ~ ~ ~

Resignation/Acceptance

When one utters the word resignation often people think of someone leaving a job or termination of one sort or another. In this case I mean it as deciding to let things go the course they are, acceptance pure and simple.

So many people tend to think towards the negative, perhaps more so than the glass half full type of person I most often am . Often when I am stymied by things I have little or no control over, I find I get to the best place through radical acceptance and forward thinking. It saves a great deal of anxiety and keeps the mind, head and heart in a buoyant move-ahead spirit that best suits keeping things under control and in perspective. I must say it takes persistence and resolute control to operate in this manner, lots of water passed under the bridge before I was able to fully adopt this mode into my life, at times I forget and am quickly reminded to stay focused and in the moment.

You may ask why operate in such a mode ? My answer is that when one accepts life's situations and adapts to them, life is truly an easier walk to walk . Spending ones life in turmoil over each repugnant situation is unpleasant, and often spills over into all of an individual's life, consuming much more energy than the situation requires. When one accepts what is going on and puts a plan into action to deal with the after-shock and fallout effects,relief is found in fairly rapid fashion. It is not that people enjoy the discomfort and out of balance feeling in their life , it is simply that they are accustomed to dealing with issues in a non-productive and self-harmful as well as defeating mode. Certainly one may need to revisit the situation a few times to find personal resolution, but the result is one that provides lessening of angst, drama and self-deprecation.

So, turning the word resignation into acceptance truly puts a different light on life. Instead of resigning oneself to the situation which sounds odious, it is far easier to accept it and deal with it constructively. Sure it is a bit of word play, but just as a simple meal artfully presented becomes a feast, so do life dilemmas when handled in a similar fashion. The bread is still buttered, but quickly and without a great deal of struggle and delay.

Think about it, ponder all the useful applications it can offer. Making life more of a pleasure instead of a drama that drags on, makes your own life easier, as well as others within your circle of life.

Commiseration Number Ninety-Five

com·mis·er·a·tion

kəˌmizəˈrāSHən

noun

plural noun: commiserations

1. 1.

   sympathy and sorrow for the misfortunes of others; compassion.

   "the other actors offered him clumsy commiseration"

   synonyms:

   condolence(s), sympathy, pity, comfort, solace, consolation; More compassion, understanding; informalpity party "a little commiseration may be the most important thing you can offer"

2. 2.

   expressions of sympathy and sorrow for another.

   "our commiserations to those who didn't win

Sometimes life plays funny tricks on you, but if you think about most times, we saw them coming or had a glimpse that the end result was in the making from the very beginning. Being the impulsive and emotion controlled beings most of us are, it is impossible to avoid some of the mishaps we suffer in our lives and loves. Thinking with only our head or only our heart leads us to the wrong place in whatever way we take it. Life needs to be about balance, and using that balance to the best of our abilities to get to the place we need and want to be. Not taking risks means staying in a safe place, and I can certainly understand why so many stay in that safe and secure place. They took risks in the past and ended up in a place or situation that was so hurtful that they never wanted to stray down that horrible venue ever again in their lives. The truth of the matter is, even in those awful, horrid and hurtful times, we learn lessons if we can look at the situation later down the road and be objective about the whole darned thing. Thinking about the whole thing when one is in a state of emotional upheaval can often only hurt us more and lead to an even worse place than we were in to begin with. I think of putting it on the shelf for a bit, waiting until one is in a better state of mind and heart. You see, its not just about the mind, its about the heart also.

Often when I write these little commiserations, I write them from a recent experience or from a past one. I often am writing as I have done the same thing once again, though in a slightly different mode, and have ended up with the same result. I am not downing or doubting my self, merely pondering on what I need to do differently going forward, as well as gleaning the life lesson from the situation. I like to think as life as a set of scales, you know the ones like the typical Greek type statue of justice as a female form with an askew blinder over her eyes. I like to frame my thoughts for others to get a better grasp of just where I am coming from. The problem is, one cannot know where they are going to from that point. One can certainly attempt to steer your own voyage, but the Universe and other players in our own vignettes can most definitely effect the ending result or outcome . So, one plans as well as they are able to, and hopefully goes forth hoping for the best to occur with and for them. Also what we can fail to realize, is how our own choices may effect the outcomes of others in their life's journeys. The humanistic me wants to not harm others, but their comes a point in self preservation on oneself and sanity that you may well have to hurt someone without truly wanting to, but there is not another path or choice to make in said situation.

In sharing our misfortune or pain, it assists us in getting to the next level in healing. Part of it certainly is about the self, for to truly live one has to take the best care of the self on all levels, physical, emotional and spiritual, that one is capable of. So, yes indeed folks, some of this is self centered and egocentric. Often in sharing of ourselves others can be assisted when they have gone through a similar situation in their own life. For me, it helps in my understanding of what I have gone through to think that sharing my own plight might help another in what they are experiencing. There are many things much too painful or difficult to share with anyone but the most trusted in one's life. I certainly understand and respect that need to preserve ones privacy and keep shut like a clam ones thoughts. Being a glass half full kinda gal, I think in a forward thinking fashion almost 100% of the time. In my life I have experienced the gamut of sadness and happiness, and can name easily the most difficult and the happiest times in my life. Sharing both and embracing what we experience in our lives can assist us in getting where we need to be with the best ease we can.

~~~Balance in all things~~~

Covert Missions

I often wonder about people who do things they need to keep secret or hidden from others. I can see the need when someone is planning a surprise of one kind or another. Beyond those situations, if you need to hide it, then you are ashamed, embarrassed, feel what you are doing is unacceptable to one or several others in your life, in simplistic terms, WRONG. I wonder if the secretive nature of it all is what the individuals participating in said activities find exciting. The belief that getting away with something you should not be doing is a cheap thrill of sorts, many people are positively addicted to the feeling obtained when they do something they think no one is aware of or that they will not get caught for doing. One often hears of financially well-off individuals that commit petit larceny for the adrenalin rush they get from doing it. I think this is a similar feeling some get when they flirt online and in public. It gets them a "rush" and they become so ensconced in performing this action, they seemingly forget they are doing it at all. It often becomes a part of how they interact with others in person and online in social situations. They even keep separate secret email addresses to have the missives sent to and from, of course, thinking no one is aware that such activity is present, yet alone exists.

The truth is, most of the time the astute observer knows something covert is occurring. Of course when the finger is pointed, often the reply is "this is not what it looks like, we are just long time friends!" My reply would be, well friends do not sneak around and keep their verbal activities stealth and behind locked doors, so to speak. True there are some genuinely overly jealous individuals in this world that misinterpret and see things that really are not as they seem. In such situations, I can truly understand the reason a person might keep a friendship on the down-low, but when one is a reasonable person, the hidden actions become suspect to being the kind of activity that can demolish a relationship and the trust it is built upon.Trust is a very important facet in every relationship we have, be it friend, lover, husband, wife, even employer/employee. It is something that takes time to build, and builds in layers until a sufficient quantity builds and one feels comfortable with the person and can let some of their guard down.Once trust becomes eroded or disregarded, it is most difficult to rebuild. It is certainly not impossible, but it is a tough thing to rebuild in any case.

When two people in such activities deny and make excuses for what they are doing, the biggest  fool is the people themselves. I pride myself on my being a reasonable person, and being forthright and open when I deal with friends and others I am in a relationship with. I do not promise things I cannot deliver, I try not to be a pest or judgmental, and most always attempt to put myself in their shoes, though sometimes this is nearly impossible to perform.There are many situations one can never imagine, and we all feel things to different degrees. Some cannot abide any kind of distress,where others are like triathletes, conditioned to take on several events without untoward results for them personally. Some of us tolerate too much, others much too little. Most of the time I find myself in the over-tolerance category, forgiving too easily, looking past bad habits or instances and just plain becoming a sort of "welcome mat", in an UN-welcome way of course! Our different reaction/actions make life interesting, and keep things from being too formulated and contrived.I don't consider myself to be a martyr, but sometimes I am aware I border dangerously close to it in some situations. I do my level best to not judge others for the past performances of others that have been in my life, but similarities in situations do tend to set the radar on in some cases.


To sum it all up, one should never be so certain that the activities they think are stealth, hidden, covert or whatever you want to name it, truly are any of those things. Most of the time the person that is targeted to be excluded is often acutely aware of the situation at hand, they just choose, for whatever reason, to just observe, tolerate and see to what extent they can let things accumulate. We all have different boiling points, and that is what can make the situation either boil over, or sit on the back burner, slowly cooking, waiting for the pot to boil dry. What eventually ensues depends on all the parties involved, not just those behaving as double agents in their lives.

Through Others Eyes

Life is essentially a wonderful thing, fraught with highs and lows, but mostly generic types of experiences that when we look back down the road , don't really stand out as good or bad, they just ARE. That being said, a life-long school friends inquiry as to my attendance at our fortieth high school reunion brought back a flood of essentially negative and difficult times. You see, gentle reader, beginning in fifth grade, I began the metamorphosis we label adolescence . I was taller than all the boys that year, began my monthly menses, had numerous ugly bouts with acne, and the usual experiences of the adolescent changelings body and mind. A new and, to me, very cute boy moved to our small town and that signaled part of my problems for the next decade of my life. Attractive as he was, and may still well be, he became my nemesis, taunting me to the point of tears countless times. Due to his popularity, most of the boys in my class and some of the girls as well, followed suit and joined in. From the casual observers point of view , it must not have looked like a big deal at all. Suffice it to say, from a first- person point of view, it was painful in multiple ways. Despite the best attempts of two different well- meaning teachers in elementary school, the taunting continued, sometimes subtly, other times overt and in my face. I grew a thick exterior and learned well the art of biting my lip to prevent tears from scalding my cheeks. I avoided many situations and social gatherings in high school. Grade- wise I did we'll, graduating 11 th out of my class of just under 100. It was after this segment of my life I moved away and healed, only to the larger city near that small town mentality, but I gained strength of purpose, character and conviction to never propagate such negativities in others lives. Working in the mental health field for over twenty years, my own experiences tempered my viewpoint as well as my approach to helping others. I became the strong woman I am today, the good listener and purveyor of positive affirmations and actions. I have found the knowledge to have gained so much through my own negative life experiences, almost nothing compares to my own " wonder years" in terms of lessons and influences. I will unashamedly admit I have assisted others to sift through remnants of what often is so very much worse than anything I ever went through, and assisted them in coming to terms with discomfort and self- reproach.

What this all boils down to is the reason I shall not be attending any present or future class reunions. I have a few cherished friends I have remained in contact with these forty past years, and connections with them are meaningful to me and have purpose. Spending time with the rest, well, not desirable in any way, shape or form. I cannot begin to allow my psyche to experience any flashbacks I haven't experienced since then. It serves no useful purpose in the continuum that is my life from now until its cessation. Life in its current form is good, despite two failed marriages , continued  battles with obesity, as well as other health issues. My mental health is strong, my physical health better than in many years, I am satisfied to stay firmly in the here and now and leave the past firmly where it's place is meant to be. I have forgiven as much as I can, forgotten little, but gained much from the hands life has dealt me.



Life is essentially a wonderful thing, fraught with highs and lows, but mostly generic types of experiences that when we look back down the road , don't really stand out as good or bad, they just ARE. That being said, a life-long school friends inquiry as to my attendance at our fortieth high school reunion brought back a flood of essentially negative and difficult times. You see, gentle reader, beginning in fifth grade, I began the metamorphosis we label adolescence . I was taller than all the boys that year, began my monthly menses, had numerous ugly bouts with acne, and the usual experiences of the adolescent changelings' body and mind. A new and, to me, very cute boy moved to our small town and that signaled part of my problems for the next decade of my life. Attractive as he was, and may still well be, he became my nemesis, taunting me to the point of tears countless times. Due to his popularity, most of the boys in my class and some of the girls as well, followed suit and joined in. From the casual observers point of view, it must not have looked like a big deal at all. Suffice it to say, from a first- person point of view, it was painful in multiple ways. Despite the best attempts of two different well- meaning teachers in elementary school, the taunting continued, sometimes subtly, other times overt and in my face. I grew a thick exterior and learned well the art of biting my lip to prevent tears from scalding my cheeks. I avoided many situations and social gatherings in high school. Grade- wise I did we'll, graduating 11th out of my class of just under 100. It was after this segment of my life I moved away and healed, only to the larger city near that small town mentality, but I gained strength of purpose, character and conviction to never propagate such negativity in others lives.I also learned this person did the taunting they did due to some sort of "little-man syndrome", so I hypothesize. Working in the mental health field for over twenty years, my own experiences tempered my viewpoint as well as my approach to helping others. I became the strong woman I am today, the good listener and purveyor of positive affirmations and actions. I have found the knowledge to have gained so much through my own negative life experiences, almost nothing compares to my own " wonder years" in terms of lessons and influences. I will unashamedly admit I have assisted others to sift through remnants of what often is so very much worse than anything I ever went through, and assisted them in coming to terms with discomfort and self- reproach.

What this all boils down to is the reason I shall not be attending any present or future class reunions. I have a few cherished friends I have remained in contact with these forty past years, and connections with them are meaningful to me and have purpose. Spending time with the rest, well, not desirable in any way, shape or form. I cannot begin to allow my psyche to experience any flashbacks I haven't experienced since then. It serves no useful purpose in the continuum that is my life from now until its cessation. Life in its current form is good, despite two failed marriages , continued  battles with obesity, as well as other health issues. My mental health is strong, my physical health better than in many years, I am satisfied to stay firmly in the here and now and leave the past firmly where it's place is meant to be. I have forgiven as much as I can, forgotten little, but gained much from the hands life has dealt me.I write to share my own journey, not to be published and gain fame or fortune, but more to elucidate others on how one can build on personal experiences, even when they seem ghastly or unbearable. I think we all have purposes in life, mine is to foster as much positive energy as one woman can put forth in a short time on this Earth we inhabit. It is through sharing that we give of ourselves, our wisdom, energies, and help others to see things from another viewpoint they may previously have been unaware of. We owe ourselves and others the experience we can gain from a heightened awareness of each of our life's journeys.

~~~balance in all things~~~