Words and Actions

People talk all the time about doing things, sometimes they are speaking of trivial items, such as chores they need to accomplish in their household, or errands they need to run. Other times they are speaking of life and all the intricacies involved therein, about the things they need to do for life to be good, for it to improve, for it to be more serene and calmer. In both cases actions have to take place for things to occur, if one just speaks the words and does not apply action to the intent, nothing will take place and things will remain static, unchanged. In short, words need to match actions and vice verse.All the talk in the world will not make it so, and all the actions untied to any framework or reference will not fall into place and achieve the desired effect and affect.

One of my co-workers talks all the time about a relationship of theirs, how it is going nowhere, how they need to break free from it and change their lives. After less than one day of  their divestment of the relationship, they are right back into the thick of it, and wondering why things are the same. I asked them why they continue to repeat the same actions again and again, but expect different results. I posed to them that perhaps they need to re-define this relationship, not toss it out but work systematically to change where it is going. The answer I get is that their partner does nothing to change so why should they? They also state they really have not and do not discuss their dissatisfaction with the current direction of things with them, I point out that without open and direct communication, one can not expect the other person to have knowledge of what is going on, what is desired, and what the other expects, wants and needs.If you keep taking dough, sauce and cheese, you will always get pizza of one variety or another, and maybe pizza is not what they are looking for. A basic understanding of the importance of true communication is what is missing from this persons equation, they just keep running headlong into the same brick wall that they continue to reinforce with the same mortar and brickwork.

Words are truly meaningless unless the actions that go along with them accompany the thoughts and intents carried within the words. I can liken it to a politicians promise at election time, fervent words spoken repeatedly to gain followers and support, but then the words are rarely carried to fruition. The same holds true in everyday situations.You can promise all you want in terms of things you will do, ways you feel about or for someone, but if you do not follow the words with deeds that show and reinforce the feelings, things that accomplish the promised task, you build a wall of disappointment, and of broken promises and expectations never delivered upon.

I was taught at the knee to not promise things you cannot deliver, and for the most part have striven to do this whenever possible.When I cannot deliver, I re-define what I have promised and try to approach it from another angle. What it boils down to is just doing what is needed to make things happen, and when a hurdle gets in the way, figure out how to step over, around or under it. In a partnership, BOTH need to be active listeners and do-ers. Sitting on the sidelines watching does not work very well, nor does standing on a podium and making promises one never acts upon. Mean what you say and say what you mean. When things get stalled, get in a huddle and figure out what needs to happen for the plan to come to being.Nothing should truly ever be fifty-fifty, with each putting half in. Rather it should be one-hundred/one-hundred, both giving it their all . Then the whole will always exceed the sum parts and present as more than one expects. Getting more than one planned for in a positive action plan is never a bad thing.
 ~balance in all things~

Realistically Cynical

Many times I have been subject to being told I wear rose- colored glasses. My thought is that some perceive my largely positive outlook to be more of an uninformed Pollyana- type mentality .  Often when people talk to me and get to know me better they then realize I am not ignorant, poorly educated or insufficient in gray matter. I am simply put, a glass half full kind of gal. I almost always look to find the positive in things, be it a person's best attribute, a lesson learned from a bad experience, how it could have been worse, I just gravitate towards positive. I know many who come into contact me do not feel this to be a realistic way to experience life. However, I flat out disagree and know that for most of my adult life this is what keeps me sane, grounded and mostly satisfied with life and the way things are. This is my realism, my way of coping and what works for ME. I know this does not work for everyone, we all need to adapt our responses and attitudes to what works for us in our lives. It is my mantra to live and let live. much of the time. If I see someone struggling with their life, I often try to empathize with them and help them analyze what THEY might need to do. What works for me may not work for them, and vice verse of course. That being said, there are situations and individuals I avoid mostly because I know that we will never be able to agree, and interactions with them are akin to petting a cat in the wrong direction. This is a cynical as I get.

Avoiding intolerant individuals and situations is something I like to do whenever and wherever possible. Certainly there are times and places we just have to buck up and enter such situations or deal with abrasive people when we have no choice. Working in the customer service industry these days, I certainly find myself on the receiving end of abrasive people from time to time, but I pride myself on most always being able to turn that same situation around, ending my call with them feeling better and me knowing I have been able to solve a situation or get them the assistance or what-have-you they require at this moment in time. In customer service land and in real life, there are some individuals you will never be able to satisfy no matter what hurdles you jump over trying. No matter what you try to do, they are still disgruntled and just cannot let go of their hostility, negativity and cynicism. In such matters, I still do my very best, whether in real life or through the phone line. I can release myself from responsibility knowing I have done my utmost to assist, but know that there is no winning with these individuals. I let it go, mentally cleanse the situation from my mind, and let it go. The key for me is in not personalizing the situation. That, my friends is self-preservation at is most basic in my minds' eye. Negative feelings and issues need to be mowed down and raked aside, much like an overgrown lawn. Hanging on to this kind of situation only fuels more anger and keeps us from moving forward to more important and valuable situations within our lives.After all, things worth hanging onto are prizes, and I wonder why anyone would want to hang on to anything that makes them feel angry, cynical and is just despicable in most senses of the word. My only guess is that some do not love themselves enough to take care of themselves by dispelling such thoughts and situations. I do not forget what transpired, I take the lesson, file it carefully and know things more important will occupy my time from thereon in.

Summing it up, we all need to do what works for each of us individually. My method is to avoid stepping on toes, my own included, at all costs. I like to act from the positive end of the spectrum, it is closest to the ideal I hope to reach in most situations. We all need to adapt what works for us, though if you keep reacting and acting in the same type of way and are not getting where you want to, then perhaps you need to look at your stance and figure out what could work better and what you can do to precipitate change for yourself.

~balance in all things~

Privileged and Rare

Recently I stopped working with someone I have endeavored to assist for over 15 years, the parting of the ways was not a mutual thing initially, but I have a feeling that it was desired on their part as well. This person is intelligent, though narrow-minded. This person has wisdom, but lacks common sense. This person is many things, but mostly a difficult person overall. You may ask, why would you continue to assist someone that is so difficult to be with, to work with, to listen to, and all that? I like a challenge, I also like to ascertain whether or not a person is genuine and has been left behind due to a lack of compassion on the part of others, or misunderstanding. In this case, the person has been given compassion when none has been due to them, has been misunderstood, but for the most part understood clearly and causes people to flee, rapidly, in the opposite direction as quickly as is possible.

I worked with people as part of my old job, I assisted individuals with mental health diagnosis to connect with services within the community, to attain and/or retain their entitlements, advocate for them in difficult situations, speak for them when they lacked voice, and just be an all around person they could call on for outside opinion and information.Most of the folks I worked with I learned from as much as they learned from me. As humans we can learn much from one another, if we only put our mindset on to look for lessons in every day experiences and find the lesson. As I have stated before, there are lessons even in our misfortunes, though difficult to find them much of the time, the lesson is overtly contained within the situation. It was in my old profession, that I met and worked with this person. I was assigned to work with them some fifteen years ago, my supervisor said, this person is difficult to work with and for, they warned me of that at the get go. I got my sparkle on, in other words,this person was a challenge presented to me and I could do what others failed to and in a respectful manner. I admit completely that I was always respectful when dealing with this person, as well as every other person I ever assisted in life. I never promised to do something I could not do, and I always helped them see the choices there for them, never choosing what path or choice to pick.  Each person is an individual, one must assist each person where they are, sure use some of the same approaches, but never cookie cutter the situation, to me that is disrespect at a very base level.

Three years ago this week, I left my old profession. A few months prior to that this person and I discontinued our work relationship. I was urged by a supervisor to cease working with individuals that were not making measurable progress towards their life goals, as well as had become stagnant in their want and reason for working with me in the first place. This person was one of many I ceased a work relationship with, but many I have remained in contact with even to this day. Two years after changing jobs I received an email from this person of "note". They wanted and needed my assistance, they were willing to pay me from a trust fund they had received. I accepted the offer, it was mostly due to knowing this person was in need, and very little from the amount of money I would receive in return for any assistance I could and did provide. We worked on maintaining entitlements, organized important documents, discussed situations and people they had difficulty with. I had limitations in this relationship, those were presented up front. I had allegiance to my current job, which is nothing like my former one. As part of that I also had time limitations, especially due to the fact my current job involved and still does, working the third shift. For close to one year, this worked okay, but the person still had a consuming hatred of many factions in the world and clung to this hatred and mindset like well-set concrete. Several times I almost gave notice, they expected much more than I could or would give, and they also were not respectful of me and my time allowance. The very thing this person accused others of they themselves were and are guilty of. Finally I could tolerate no more, I gave my notice in early June, despite the fact that I had over 12 hours of unbilled services I had provided. It was no longer worth my time, nor my effort, and it was far smarter to just let go and sever all ties. I sent any important papers in my possession back to them, along with a simple note of resignation. I made not one reference to any of the negative occurrences we had, I just let go. Immediately upon this discontinuation I felt both relief and an incredible lightness in my soul. It is one difficult task to work with a person that has such a disjointed perception of themselves. It would have been easy to tell them how distorted their self-perception is, but they would not have listened nor have heard it, so I bothered not to launch into any explanation on this at all.

This person continues to blog, and I continue to read them. What this does for me is assist me in continuing to know that I made the right choice in my no longer interfacing with them in any and all circles, the severing was complete and quick. This person continues with their privileged behavior, blaming society and most of the world for why things are the way they are for them. This person continues with their hatred of some professionals they have contact with.This person in their sixty some years on this planet has still not learned about true respect for others. They act like some rare being, ostracized for all the wrong reasons and the champion of many causes. Frequently they get what they want for one reason and one reason only, people are tired of listening to their nasty banter and give in and give up rather than continuing to attempt reasoning with someone of skewed logic. I have learned many lessons from dealing with this individual, but mostly I learned that one needs to not continue to be a pawn for someone that disrespects me as well as countless others.

~balance in all things~

The Other Woman

The mere title grabs ones attention, many immediately think that this will be some sort of tell all down and dirty expunge of  a situation in my life, sorry to disappoint you but this is not the case. It is rather a sort of amalgamation of different situations, scenarios and past experiences all rolled into one package here in blog land.

The first other woman we encounter in our lives as adult females is often the mother of someone we are dating, in love or lust with, someone we are married to, divorced from, ad infinitum. We try to understand this other woman, often times it is easy, other times not easy at all.  We can also see into the future when we see the interaction between the male and this female that has served an important role in the life of the man we are involved with. If he treats her well, we can think perhaps this is how he will value us in days to come. If her treats her skeptically and with little care we then wonder, is this how he will treat all women, or did he have a rough experience growing up? So many different situations come into play and we are left to attempt to figure out the true situation by sifting through all the evidence, so to speak. Not an easy task by any means whatsoever, and we need to be a educated armchair psychologist at the very least to undertake such a task. If the situation gets colored by that cloudy element of love, then we tend to discount many things that perhaps later we will wish we had paid better attention and time to. Love being the fickle entity that it is, we often put many things aside for the heart though the mind should work harder to remain in the forefront.

Fast forward several years, the next other woman can be our own daughters, we have a unique relationship with them as they have with their fathers. At times it is a push me pull me kind of roller coaster ride, but most often the ultimate outcome is one of pride and a new found ability to better understand another female, especially one we have had a direct hand in raising from child to young adult. This also sets the tone for her relationships with other women, and hopefully you have instilled good values for the treatment of others in this being you have born.

Some of us get to another fork in the road, we divorce, or end relationships we have crafted as carefully as we know how and have the ability to. We try to end things gracefully, sometimes it just does not work out that way no matter how hard we try. Time passes on and we forgive, as we have been taught and learn is best for us to do for our own sakes as well as the sake of others. We take the lesson from the relationship that we hopefully have learned and try to utilize it in future relationships so that it can benefit ourselves and others in some small way.Seems some of us are unable to take the lesson and we end up mired in hatred and loathing, wasted time on wasted emotions. We then end up being the other woman in our own life.

Another place we find ourselves at is discovering the other woman is not a past thing, but very much a present place in the life of a person of interest in our life. They vehemently deny they even think about them, but the mere fact they talk hatefully of them, give credence to whatever place they had in past life situations, and in secret, they are still communicating with them via email, text or phone. When this discovery is made, one feels such a mixture of emotions, anger, shock, disgust, a myriad that just tumbles our minds to places we do not like them to travel to at all.We know that when the past is not in  the past, there are definite issues still hanging on the clothesline. Sometimes we just need to take the laundry down, and wash it all again.Or perhaps we need to do some mending and fix things. Other times we need to get a totally new wardrobe. What path one takes depends entirely on each individual, and their tolerance to abiding things as they are, working to change them, or just wanting a totally new situation all together.
 ~balance in all things~