Goodbyes

How do we say goodbye to those we lose? Losing people we adore, love and enjoy in our lives is never an easy task. Many of our goodbyes are semi-permanent as well. When someone close to us in some way passes away, we hold memories of them in our heart and mind forever, saying goodbye only to their physical presence in our life.When we change jobs, or addresses, we lose folks as well in those situations. Try as we might, most time we lose the connections we had to these folks on a daily basis. We mean to stay connected, but life's obligations and rhythms make it difficult much of the time. Sometimes we lose folks in our life due to differences of opinion, those situations are tense and hard to deal with in their own way. Sometimes we try to meet on a middle or neutral ground, but often in such terse situations, try as we might, success is not achieved to remain connected and meaningful in our exchanges.

Ways to cope with loss vary from person to person, truly there is no right or wrong way to grieve a loss of any kind. Sometimes we may not understand the persons ways of dealing with the remains of their memories and feelings, but it is their way and judging them is not beneficial to them or to you. Support is what folks need in these times as well as acceptance. When one can find coping mechanisms to deal with their loss, it helps them to lead a happier life, though life can and never will be what it was. That leads me to what life is full of, and that is change. Change is something we have all the time, people and situations move in and out of our life much more often and rapidly we might like it to occur. These are things we cannot control, the sooner we can realize that the easier the change itself might be to deal with for us.

At a beloved job, I learned about dialectical behavior therapy. One of the key components is radical acceptance. There are things in life we somehow just have to accept at face value, for what is is and do our best to move forward, and we all move forward at different speeds. It is okay that we all process our situations in different ways and on different time tables. We should be less judgmental of how people do process things and give them room to go on at their own pace in their own time. I will also add here, that some people seem to stay stuck in the angst the remainder of their lives, never truly able to let go of some of it and move forward. When loss becomes obsessive, it will often drive others away, leaving some wondering where their support committee went. It also means one needs be cognizant of where they want life to go. I am not saying people should forget, but one needs to learn what they can about themselves, and take the necessary baggage from the past and keep it where it needs to be for them to live productive and a life as fulfilling as possible.

I also am reminded of many people saying, you do not know how or what I am feeling, you have no way of knowing. I like to reflect back, of course I do not know, I am not you and cannot begin to feel what you feel within your heart and soul. To counter I like to add, and you cannot feel what I have dealt with in terms of loss, either. I can only attempt to support you, listen to you and be there in some small way. People that want to help want to do just that. Sometimes it is awkward to know just what to say or do, but your circle of people will want to help in some fashion, no matter how small to let you know they care. Being a helper/listening individual I find myself in support mode frequently and want to help others with their goodbyes and issues with them. I am not an expert by no means, just a willing empathetic soul that has a need to reach out and be there, even for some I barely know.

Goodbyes are rarely totally terminal, we tend to keep some of the morsels of the person, job, experience etcetera  in our memory locker, to pull out in fond remembrance or to warm our soul on those difficult days.Even when we try to erase things and people from our conscious, we retain fragments that pop up at unexpected moments. From my experience, most of these fragments make me smile or remind me of an important lesson of life that I learned. In closing, there is truly no average or standard in goodbye and dealing with loss of any kind, one has to deal with it from their own need as well as desire to move on with this journey we call life.


                                                       ~~~balance in all things~~~

The View from Here

Lately when reading others social media posts I try to connect with what they are feeling, seeing, and experiencing. Sometimes this is desperately difficult, I share my day to day goings on easily and often, things we cook, things we do and projects we are working on here in my home of thirty years. Many people are very vague in their postings, others are much more public than I ever would or could be, I was raised by two loving and wise parents, youngest of five, one sister and three brothers. We were all taught to do our best job on everything we did, to help out in any way we could and to not be burdensome to others .Part of not being burdensome was keeping the most of ones sorrows and troubles hidden from most, shared only with those we loved, or very close to. I have had my share of troubles, sorrows and shameful things in my life, only my tight knit circle know about the lion's share of them. Putting ones heart out on their sleeves can be dangerous for oneself as well as others. When my twenty year marriage dissolved, I needed to seek outside therapy as I was obsessed with the loss and could not overcome it without the help of two female therapists who helped me put all in perspective and helped me realize what strength I had  now and then. I am ever in their gratitude for waking me to my own resilience and wisdom in life, Colleen and Linda, wherever you may be, greatest thanks indeed.But, back to the business of social media and too much self revelations shared and spread.

When you find yourself at a loss for your life, it is not a sign of weakness to seek help, in fact it is strength when you realize you just cannot get thing together or past things without others to kindly and gently point you in the direction you need to go in. Continuing to stay stuck does not help you to resolve anger, hurt, disappointment, loss and all those other things you are bombarded with on a daily basis. Never compare your own situation as not as bad as someone else, or worse than someone else. After all, we are not in one an other's shoes or situations, so how can we truly know what they are feeling deep within their deepest recesses? Simply said, we just do not and should never disenfranchise another with their feelings or life situations. To not be validated by others is indeed a feeling that most often elicits anger and hurt, so try your best to understand others and where they are coming from. Telling me, or others, that I just do not know what you have been through is just inaccurate as can be. Perhaps I have not suffered the same losses you have, but nevertheless, I have had my own as well as others have also. Keeping an open mind and heart helps one to heal themselves also.

I have found for ME, what works is true and genuine concern for others plights and situations, trying to assess their situation and be and do what I can and they will allow me to in order to assist them in some way, even if it is only a small way. Sadly, I have found many people that are so self involved and self absorbed, that they just do not seem to be able to focus outside of themselves in most ways. For me, this was the key for self healing and a resolution of sorts to my deep and painful hurt and sorrow. Which brings us back to seeking outside help, someone we can trust, if possible a professional, to help us get back on a day to day road and routine that can get us some bit of satisfaction once again in our daily lives. The biggest hurdle to overcome is the fact that most likely that this necessitates change, and change is not an easy thing to embrace, as we all have experienced at one time of another in our life.

Excuses like labeling oneself do not assist either, it just gives us an excuse to stay stuck where we are with a false reason of sorts to stay there and continue to spin our wheels. Before you realize it, your wheels are stuck as though in a bed of concrete. I know some that say well, I am an introvert, I cannot do what you do. Kind soul, one is not expecting you to do exactly as I do, but get out of your own way so you can look objectively at things and get more out of life than your current  focus seems to be getting you to.

The biggest hurdle for me was to learn to trust again, but only a chosen few. Feelings close to the heart and soul need to be protected so one does not experience more hurt, and finding that person you trust can be difficult, but not impossible. Sometimes the person you need to trust more is right in front of you when you look in the mirror, self-doubt can cripple and keep you stuck and not assist you in moving forward.

Those few of you that wish to remain stuck, and mostly miserable, remember this is a choice. Attitude is a decision, as is life paths and moves we all make. Consider what you want and make a list, some things in life we can never regain, but we can gain other things once again to help us feel we are living the life we want and need. Balance is the key to inner peace and self -harmony.