At Arm's Length

In this world it seems people all have different needs for their personal space as well as desire for physical proximity to others, not just with strangers but in their given and chosen relationships they have in their life. Research has shown most folks need several arms lengths between themselves and total strangers. Situations such as elevators and other space issued situations cause uneasiness and anxiety for many people. Call it your comfort zone, we all have them and I have observed they vary greatly from person to person, as well as from situation to situation. It is understandable in the stranger situation where ones tolerance level to proximity to an unknown person or group of people causes discomfort. What puzzles me is when individuals in relationships of a much more known and intimate level, distance and create barriers to avoid physical closeness with family, friends and even lovers. The very person you love needs and desires to be close to you, that is most of the time. In a fledgling relationship, often times the need for closeness can often border on overwhelming, but that is when individuals are gaining trust, respect and want to let the other person feel loved, wanted and needed. Once a level of comfort is gained, often times the need for physical closeness diminishes, but remains an important facet to the relationship.

Finding a match in reality that most closely mirrors ones own intimacy and physicality imprint is a daunting task at times.  Often we hope for the very best but end up accepting what we find in our partners in life and romance.  Sometimes this can be labeled "settling" and sometimes it is just a radical acceptance of someone whom fits our needs and interests most closely in every other way. It seems one can never truly get a perfect match in all areas of our lives, so we strive to get the best we can and make it work for us within the framework of what works for us in a given situation. We all have our own personal limits of what we want, versus what we can tolerate, and accept to be relatively happy and stable individuals.

Sometimes I think what happens with couples is that we grow too accustomed to one another, and one partner often ends up more on the giving end than the receiving end, often times at their own hands and acceptance of what the other person is willing to give or offer in terms of intimacy. In life nothing should ever be a 50/50 proposition, each person should come to the table prepared to give 100 percent of themselves, when there is a deficit, then the total will still most likely always exceed what the relationship requires to be mutually satisfying. It is key not to take anything or anyone for granted, they could be gone tomorrow for any given or unexpected reason, and leave one reeling in the pain of loss. Healthy, good and mutually satisfying relationships require work on the parts of all individuals involved. Being stingy with ones affection, time or assistance can eventually cause an erosion and/or meltdown of the entire situation, causing damage that may become permanent or irreparable Keeping a watch on the simmering pot of any relationship is the full responsibility of all involved individuals. As in most situations, communication is one of the key elements to keeping things simmering, and not boiling over, or drying out.

In summary, keeping your fingers on the pulse of one another can truly keep things percolating along and just strengthen and maintain what a good relationship is meant to be. One just needs to take the time to listen, look and think. Put yourself in the place of the other person on a regular basis is a good way to avoid results that will make for vexation and disappointment in your life.

~Balance in all things~. 

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Tangled Webs of Deceit

Perhaps Sir Walter Scott said it the best, " Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive."  I wonder what makes people resort to the practice in the first place, it would seem that they had motives that drove them to wander from what the truth is and hide behind lies and perhaps a few half-truths. The motives may have been to spare people from getting or being hurt. I think much of the time they resort to deceit for their own purposeful gain, and to perhaps have the best of both worlds, or even escape from the reality of their life that they may find to be less than what the desire or feel they need to have to feel as though they are fulfilled and happy adults . The problem lies in when the person having the truth kept from them finds out what the truth is. Often times one wants to deny that they have been on the receiving end of deceit and deception. I know I have felt that way. When a partner in your life is seeing another, when they are supposedly betrothed to you, it hurts in a way one never forgets. It makes one mistrust and having to learn all over again how and when to trust others, and believe they are worthy of someone being honest with them and valuing how they feel. For this woman, the same holds true in important people in their life withholding  important facets of information from them, or distortion of the facts to avoid having confrontation or questioning. In a truly open relationship, of course we cannot know every bit about one another, but we hope that honesty and trust can lead each other to have value and respect for one another. For me I have learned to forgive, but forgetting is the impossible part for me to ever learn to do. It diminishes over time, but forever it remains, much like a carved message on a tree that continues to grow and change, but the mark left on it remains, becoming a part of the tree forever. Information withheld, becomes secretive, although it may be far from what the fact of the matter is. Making something clandestine serves to make it seem forbidden, perhaps exciting if not more important than it truly is or ever was meant to be. Sure some things are not meant for everyone or even anyone to share, but repeated acts of secrecy and hidden relations end up making things look as though they are something to hide and be ashamed of. If a relationship is important enough and wholesome, nothing needs to be hidden or covert. If it is a friend you need to stay in touch with from the past, then stay in touch but openly without hiding it from others who may interpret it as something else all together different than what it appears to be to them. You see my dear and wise readers, when one makes something a forbidden fruit, it creates doubts where there previously were none or few. It makes something that may be harmless , into something harmful.  People need to be honest with one another, if it is of value make each other understand what your needs are and work together to create the relationship that you need to be in place to get your mutual needs met, both physically and emotionally. Physical needs without the balance of emotional needs in tandem make for a scale that is tipped to one side that will truly never fulfill your life the way you truly want and need it to be.
~balance in all things~