Without warning or real reason, the icy fingers of the monster than melancholy is, can grab your soul and twist it down into it's vortex. Many times people may associate it and call it Blue Monday. I guess perhaps statistically speaking, Monday may tend to be the day of the week most of "THE BLUES" occurs most frequently on. Of course this is pure conjecture on my part, I am most likely not going to do the research to back up my statement, after all, this is a blog purely for me to ramble and contain some of the multiple thought patterns and ideas I generate on a daily basis. But, I need to get back to the subject at hand, melancholy.
Yesterday, a Monday, the blues monster took me by the throat and spiraled me down, it ambushed me without any warning at all. I did succumb to its spell for nearly an hour, feeling as low and useless as I have felt in a very long time. This positive thinking and acting woman is thankful the moody blues rarely grab her this hard and this fast, for that I can thank in part genetics and my upbringing, as well as self-taught methods that keep me where I need to be mentally most of the time.I felt like I was on an amusement park ride, and that it was frightening and I wanted off, but no one could hear me yelling to stop the ride.Prior to the drop of the roller coaster, I was in a good place, feeling safe, secure and self-satisfied. Then, ka-pow, it hit like a jackhammer.
Thinking back on the moment I felt the undertow pull me down, I was starting to think too far ahead into my future. Thinking about the time when my young adult sons would move out, leaving me for the complete pursuit of the adult life I have raised them to experience. I thought about how empty the house would be, not only in the physical sense, but in the emotional and surreal sense as well. I thought about how my young adult daughter moved out over eight years ago, and how that impacted me, even to this day. I thought about how my first husband departed here, to begin a new life without me, and shut yet another chapter in my life and begin another one in earnest. I thought about the broken relationships I have had since then, a second marriage that was ill-fated from day one, as well as a few before that one. I do remember the relief I felt when my second husband moved out, and it was as though a weight had been lifted from me. I wondered why and how I would stay here, and when would I see the three reasons my life has had purpose over the past twenty-four plus years I have resided within the walls of this old home.
Overwhelmed was the end place I brought myself to with all these thoughts, a sort of personal system overload in the terminal of my brain. My wise mind took over thankfully, told me I could not begin to sort all this out in advance, I would need to attack it and solve it as it transpires. Worry and preponderance are just negative aspects that creep into our lives, and when the negative is allowed to free a reign in my world, some diabolical thing occurs and I go into melancholy mode, feeling desperate, depressed and useless . For several minutes I berated myself for failed relationships,as well as the relationships I have with my three adult children, my brothers and sister as well past and present friends. The wise mind told me that I have not failed in every relationship I have forged, and even in the failed ones, components that are good and useful came to pass. In essence, I learned from mistakes, and could also find the good memories in those relationships as well. In the end, for me, relationships have helped define the person I have developed to become at this point in my life. In the end, the amusement park ride slowed down, and became once again the safe carousel ride I loved so much as a child, and continue to enjoy even to this day.
End result? I can go on the scary rides from time to time, but not too many in one amusement park visit. The carousel is always a safe choice, it is that roller coaster that can scare the willies out of me. You see this is all symbolic, but wise reader, you have no doubt figured that out about me anyways. A few thoughts about what will come to pass are okay, but flooding myself with multiple and continued musings about what could be should be and would be, are just too dangerous for me to confront all in one fell swoop.
~balance in all things~
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