Ordinarily Plain

There are times in life when you want to stand out from others, though most times I admit I would rather blend in and not attract attention to myself in any way, shape or form. For some reason, my mind today wandered to the past, and in a sort of negative way. Being the positive person I am, I hesitate to travel very far down these paths that lead to thoughts that are defeating mentally, spiritually and emotionally. The holidays can push me down this path, and no clear-cut rhyme or reason, it just occurs from time to time.

I dreamed of past times, things long in my past. I awoke, and though I did not feel horrible, I sensed I somehow needed to visit the thoughts that I most often bottle away and rarely open. A sort of mental Pandora's box, though it is not pretty to look at or into, sometimes it just gets open, and some of the demons need to be let loose for a time. It led me to wonder how some people become the reason for living for some others, and that how I have not been that romantically to or for anyone ever in my life. What formed in my mind was the above, ordinarily plain. Kind of like a generic peanut butter sandwich, with jelly that is not inedible, but certainly not memorable. On and off all day, this phrase has come floating up in my mental collective, but I kept jamming the lid back on and hoping the nagging thoughts would dispel and dry up for the time being. Alas, that was not to be the case.

So, here I am putting words to type, hoping to disperse the demons by giving them thought and space for a time, but then closing the portal, and keeping the negatives shut away for a day far and away into the future. Seems those romantic novels and tales young girls often grow up reading, seeing portrayed on television and on stage haunt me at times. You want desperately to be someone's pinnacle, to be the apex of their being, to be their raison d'etre. Of course the practical me illustrates the full meaning of this below:

rai·son d'être

noun \ˌrā-ˌzōⁿ-ˈdetr^ə\

: the thing that is most important to someone or something : the reason for which a person or organization exists

Realistically, I know that this is a rare occurrence, and  that this is the stuff novels and stage plays can consist of. Though sometimes in life one sees this happen in the lives of others, and some of us yearn to be that epitome of reason for existence for another human. Still, the girl in me remembers her young dreams of being this to and for another . Logically, the practical woman in me knows that, for the most part, this is sort of an irrational desire in the scheme of life. It does not happen very often, and sometimes when one thinks they see it happening, it is a contrived state of being. Thankfully, the heart and the head come to a middle ground and can exist and not live in a state of regret that this has never come to pass.

Long ago I had a dream where I was always allotted to ride in the back seat of the car. I know psychologically this has a powerful meaning and message for me. The situation at the time was not a nice one, suffice it to say this dream mimicked my actual life more than I cared to admit to myself at the time. Several happenstances of this dream made me realize that I needed to let go, that I could never have the place of importance I so yearned for with this situation. Though it was painful, it helped me immensely to feel better about the situation, and know that I would be okay after all the pieces settled, and I could begin to mend the puzzle, and make life meaningful and good once again. Life did, and it has become decently good. 

My recent dream has also been a repetitive one, making me examine my past. My present is a wholly decent one, I feel positive about the direction life is going and much of the time, feel valuable and grateful for all I have, all I am and all that will be. I find staring some of my regrets and missed opportunities directly in the face assist me in getting past the stone I have tripped on, so to speak. I have learned to try to never compare myself with others, or they with me. We are each unique, and it is what makes the universe such a wonderful place. Yet today, I had to pause and wonder, why haven't I ever been that speck of meaningful existence for another, revered and held in great importance to another, my dream brought me there yet again. This leads me to realize that I do not expect anyone else to be my reason for living and being, in fact that responsibility lies totally within me with some input from my life experiences, past, present and future.

Happiness is not determined by what’s happening around you, but rather what’s happening inside you.  Most people depend on others to gain happiness, but the truth is, it always comes from within.Seeing the thoughts on paper, sifting them through the colander that is my mind, helps me remove the "lumps" and make life the reasonable and happy place it is destined and meant to be.

Bill Wilson — 'To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world.' ... I think this quote sums it up to a point, at any point in our lives we may have been the apex of being for another, but we often do not realize it. This is the way it is meant to play out, it keeps us humble and human, and responsible for our own happiness on the road that is life.

                                      ~ ~ ~ Balance in everything ~ ~ ~