Twenty years ago today, well we are not speaking of Sargent Pepper and teaching the band to play. I remember twenty years ago as one of the most difficult days I will ever have to live through, and I did and grew even stronger from the experience. My sister and I accompanied my then 82 year old Mother to the surgery center for cataract surgery. My sister traveled from her home in Camden New York and we spent the day making sure all went well for our Mother. But other events happened heralding this day as one that strengthened me, and taught me to appreciate the value of my being and of others in it. My then husband, Father of our three children moved out, into his own apartment. The prior day he told them over breakfast that we prepared together. I guess telling a 7, 8 and 12 year old their Father is departing the homestead has no ideal timeline. I remember tears and disbelief, I remember mainly feeling numb and somewhat lifeless. It seemed as though it was someone else s life I was watching, and I just wanted to turn the drama off and watch a totally different show with a happier ending. He stated he was leaving to learn to be a better Father, and he made several other statements, but in my profound agony, I recall little of what he precisely said. I just knew it was over, there would be no return, and I felt it was wrong to give three young children hope the outcome could or would be different. In my hurt, I let him speak his statements, and did not argue that anything else would be what would transpire. He had packed his clothing and important items to take with him late that Sunday night. We shared a bed and little else that night and into the next morning. I arose early, preparing to pick my Mother up to take her to the surgery center. I recall the verbal out-lash of angry words I spoke to my then husband, it came forth in a spew, much like vomit that had been held down far too long. He had no replies for me, he just continued about with his business of exodus and looked at me like I was insane. He got three children off to school for me that morning, I had to leave for the business of the day. I think back now and am thankful I had such an activity to preoccupy my mind with, it helped me not to dwell on the more hurtful events of that day. My Mother did very well, we went out to lunch and got her set up with her eye drops, her schedule and all that important activity. I was home to greet three children from school. After that day, the next several months went by in a blur, I was clearly depressed and saw little hope or goodness in life other that my three children. I made it through Christmas, New Years and into February and March, mostly with a wing and a prayer. I was doing little to take care of the house, just what needed to be done to limp by and make it through each day as painlessly as I could. Spring was on the horizon when I had my epiphany. I realized I could not continue to act as though I was wounded and would never recover. I had three children to be the main caregiver for and with.After they left for school one morning, I summoned my inner strength, cleaned the house from top to bottom, grocery shopped, caught up mountains of laundry and got a home made snack ready for their arrival from the school day. It was three young lives that saved mine that day, and though I still look back, each year that I get past from that day I realize the strength I had, have and continue to amass. The three are now grown, two live on their own, one still here with me. I must say they were the bricks and mortar that put me back together again and helped me get past a rough time.
We all have our rocks that steer us back into the harbor safely. I continue to be grateful that I had three rocks that stabilized my ship and gave me strength to steer the ship the best way I could as a solo captain with no ships mate to assist. I look back and see many things I wish I could have changed that I did, but mostly, the look back is one that helps me find strength even now. My life has never been simple, but when I think about it, who has a truly simple life. We move forward one foot at a time and live our lives and stay as grounded as we possibly are able to. My brief flirt with the darkness in life gave me such a good lesson to never let anything possess me ever like that again. I always look for the lesson, the positives in ANY situation, it is what keeps me sane, safe and feeling mostly in control.
So, why do I share this now? Well mainly to proclaim to myself that I survived a bad time, and came out pretty much unscathed from it all. I am wiser, stronger, more intuitive and trusting of my inner sense of balance and meaning. I don't question following my instinct and staying true to my ethics, values and morals. I have learned to forgive and to ask forgiveness from others. It is a victory to have come from where I once was to where I have landed now. Sure, life still has its struggles, but what life worth living or thing worth having is truly easy. If one thinks about it, you know what the answer is. I also share to give others hope of a bright outcome, perhaps not the shiny future that you once envisioned, but one that is better than you would ever have thought.
~~~~~~Balance in Everything~~~~~~~~~
No comments:
Post a Comment