Now and Then

So many things in our lives can be a comparison of now to then. I know I think about my past and know it has shaped me radically into the person I have become today. I also know that the person I am now may not be very well liked by some people that I could encounter today that I knew then. We all change, life has a way of doing that to us. I have found embracing change through radical acceptance when it is a difficult change just makes the process easier and less burdensome on me.

 In the recent past, my beau and I had a chance to reconnect with one of his childhood friends. The experience was eye-opening and educational, for many reasons which I shall discuss in this posting. He had not seen this friend in many years and they were close as children, spending many hours together and having many experiences together that they fondly as well as laughingly recalled years later. He did his best to reconnect with this past friend, problem was, they had both changed radically in the many years that had passed.. My beau has been through some difficult health issues, a failed marriage and family issues. His friend had health issues as well, is currently married to the same woman for over thirty years, has had several children as well as his share of heartaches and successes. When we first got together, it was fun and it was enjoyable to hear all their old stories of the childhood adventures and mishaps together. We always went to their house, and brought along some food or other things to share.Their young adult children were there most times and it was a busy household with lots of activity and a few young grandchildren folded into the mix. They clearly love their grandchildren and that was nice to watch their interactions. As time passed, the high activity became almost chaotic, to the point of jangling our nerves. We were guests in their home, and never passed judgement on the pace of things there, it was the norm for them and we could not nor would not expect them to change for us. We would leave and feel as though we needed to diffuse some of our jangled nerves with a cup of coffee and a leisurely drive home to peace and quiet that WE need to function. We never tried to have them over, we did meet them for dinner several times and they stopped by a few times, but I was at work. I know that some people need and like to have things on their terms, and it seemed this way with them so I did not try to have a get together with them at my home. His childhood friend's wife had also informed us of her HATE for cats, and with six of them in my home, knew that our home would not be a fitting place to gather. Fast forward about a year and we saw less and less of them due to all of our busy lives as well my days off had changed at my job. A few remarks were made that I may well have misinterpreted and my feelings were hurt. My beau and I talked things over and we decided we needed to divest ourselves of visiting and being friends with them, our differences were just to disparate to continue on with any sort of friendship. We stopped communications with them and have not regretted our decision.

Recently I have tried to rekindle some past friendships as well. There are a few people that I get together with only a few times a year, but that works and I value greatly the time we have together. The remainder of those I tried reconnection with just did not pan out at all. Sometimes it was due to my work schedule, sometimes the other person was too busy with their life and had no time to add any additional people or activities in it. Other times it has been that after some thought and consideration, I just realize we share no common bonds or interests anymore. What brought us together in the past was our school or work relationship, without those daily occurrences we became distant and disinterested in one another's company. Life happens and I accept this completely, though in some cases it has saddened me and made me wonder why they could not make the time nor communicate occasionally in some small fashion. Recently I have finally realized that some friendships and relationships do not stand the test of time when there is not regular interaction , and that as we have grown we have changed and sometimes have become radically different people than we once were.Often times the case is we make new friends to replace in some fashion the ones we once had.

Hold on to those memories of past relationships, use them going forward to provide you with laughs, reminiscent stories, as well as education of yourself to accept that change is inevitable in all things at all times. Differences we have as individuals are what make us unique and make us interesting to others. Bottom line is that importantly we need to respect each other despite our differences and realize we can not be friends with everyone, most of us know that. There is no need to disrespect and speak harshly because we do not see eye to eye or do as one another do.Perhaps seeing past friends in a different venue, such as a reunion, a chance meeting at a local grocery store or restaurant is enough in many cases to keep the distant memories fresh and remember things as they were then. Now is what is here and we cannot continue to regret that we cannot recapture what once was wonderful and cherished in its own way. The same holds true for parents that have become empty nested, hold on to the stories and memories of raising your children and people you interfaced with and let it provide you with fuel for the times you wish for what was. It truly is impossible to live in the past, but possible to keep the bits of it that make the story of who we are right now.

Grief, Loss and the Memory Locker

Both of my parents have been deceased for some time now, my Father, Arthur Moore passed away from colon cancer on October 31, 1983, my Mother, Birdie Bellinger Moore departed this world on May 10, 1998, at the age of 85. My oldest brother, Gary, died on January 25, 2005, at the age of 61, several months shy of his 62nd birthday, from sudden cardiac arrest. The death of loved ones, both family and friends is not easy in any respect of the word. My only sister Ruth lost her oldest son, Eric Parkhurst, December 17, 1997 in a tragic car accident in Arizona. I could name countless others who have passed away in my lifetime, many dear friends, former co-workers, other relatives, neighbors and friends of others I known. I speak of this today due to a former co-worker and  friend who has lost her sister, son and husband all in the course of nine short months, beginning last June 2015. Years filled with such multiple losses become blurs , though much of the circumstances of each event have clear recall at times when certain triggers bring to life those memories. Perhaps it is the protective actions in our brains that help us conveniently forget them for a length of time, though some lose none of the details of any events of this nature. Her loss brings to the forefront how losses have forever changed me, mostly strengthened my resolve,endurance and desire to live in the here and now, and stay positive and forward moving. That does not mean I have forgotten people, oh quite the contrary. Mostly I carry these people in my heart and mind, and for the most part the memories are positive , often tinged with a memory or a lesson we have learned over time.

People might ask, how do you stay positive? My answer is in a question form , "How could I not?" My parents and family gave me wonderful memories, sure a not so great one once in a while, but far and above, the best memories I have are good, and often simple. Events may trigger them, such as holiday times and foods and remembering fondly the celebrations our family would have. Often routines that led up to the celebrations are a part of the memory, such as things my Mother would prepare in advance for the celebrations, from as simple as cleaning the house, shopping for foods she would make and decorating the house or the yard. Traditions often get carried forward, and just as often we make our own new ones. These memories sustain us in the in between times that are mundane and not so memory inducing or making. Everyday life is often not memorable, but rather a repetitive occurrence we perform to transport us to the memorable, or good times we hope and mostly, do have.  Sometimes we place these past occurrences on such a pedestal, that no other event can ever compare to them. My boyfriend Rick and I have discussed this at length. In my case, I look at these as markers, something to remember and cherish, but I know that things of this caliber are once in a lifetime for the most part, and meant to be remembered, and truly not regretted or compared to current and future events. Perspective is what one needs to keep things in a proper frame and give credence to the past, without forsaking now or what is to come.

So, many of you may not understand where I am coming from or where this leads, but many of you do or will. Grieving is not an easy process, and is different from person to person, and no one way is right or wrong. Comparing how you deal with grief to someone else is a poor option, often leading to some self doubt or reprimand in ones mind. I caution people not to do this, it is never wise and let's face it, each of our stories is different and needs to be handled the way that works for you, not me, not others.Grieve in your own way, keep your own stock of memories to get you through now and future. Keep a memory locker of sorts so you can reinforce yourself on those difficult times where you feel overcome and overwhelmed by your grief and loss. This works in many situations, the loss of a marriage, friend, lover, fur child, whatever and whomever you hold dear to and in your heart. Grief is not just about death anyways. Its about change, loss, amongst so many other events. Whenever we feel or experience any kind of loss, it causes grief in one form or another.  filling one's memory locker is an important task to keep lessons, events, people, places and times we have enjoyed, learned a lesson from the event or person, or just to keep our own hope alive . Try  your best to fill it with good things, the occasional difficult event and cherished memories of people and times gone by to buoy us in the days to come.