Grief, Loss and the Memory Locker

Both of my parents have been deceased for some time now, my Father, Arthur Moore passed away from colon cancer on October 31, 1983, my Mother, Birdie Bellinger Moore departed this world on May 10, 1998, at the age of 85. My oldest brother, Gary, died on January 25, 2005, at the age of 61, several months shy of his 62nd birthday, from sudden cardiac arrest. The death of loved ones, both family and friends is not easy in any respect of the word. My only sister Ruth lost her oldest son, Eric Parkhurst, December 17, 1997 in a tragic car accident in Arizona. I could name countless others who have passed away in my lifetime, many dear friends, former co-workers, other relatives, neighbors and friends of others I known. I speak of this today due to a former co-worker and  friend who has lost her sister, son and husband all in the course of nine short months, beginning last June 2015. Years filled with such multiple losses become blurs , though much of the circumstances of each event have clear recall at times when certain triggers bring to life those memories. Perhaps it is the protective actions in our brains that help us conveniently forget them for a length of time, though some lose none of the details of any events of this nature. Her loss brings to the forefront how losses have forever changed me, mostly strengthened my resolve,endurance and desire to live in the here and now, and stay positive and forward moving. That does not mean I have forgotten people, oh quite the contrary. Mostly I carry these people in my heart and mind, and for the most part the memories are positive , often tinged with a memory or a lesson we have learned over time.

People might ask, how do you stay positive? My answer is in a question form , "How could I not?" My parents and family gave me wonderful memories, sure a not so great one once in a while, but far and above, the best memories I have are good, and often simple. Events may trigger them, such as holiday times and foods and remembering fondly the celebrations our family would have. Often routines that led up to the celebrations are a part of the memory, such as things my Mother would prepare in advance for the celebrations, from as simple as cleaning the house, shopping for foods she would make and decorating the house or the yard. Traditions often get carried forward, and just as often we make our own new ones. These memories sustain us in the in between times that are mundane and not so memory inducing or making. Everyday life is often not memorable, but rather a repetitive occurrence we perform to transport us to the memorable, or good times we hope and mostly, do have.  Sometimes we place these past occurrences on such a pedestal, that no other event can ever compare to them. My boyfriend Rick and I have discussed this at length. In my case, I look at these as markers, something to remember and cherish, but I know that things of this caliber are once in a lifetime for the most part, and meant to be remembered, and truly not regretted or compared to current and future events. Perspective is what one needs to keep things in a proper frame and give credence to the past, without forsaking now or what is to come.

So, many of you may not understand where I am coming from or where this leads, but many of you do or will. Grieving is not an easy process, and is different from person to person, and no one way is right or wrong. Comparing how you deal with grief to someone else is a poor option, often leading to some self doubt or reprimand in ones mind. I caution people not to do this, it is never wise and let's face it, each of our stories is different and needs to be handled the way that works for you, not me, not others.Grieve in your own way, keep your own stock of memories to get you through now and future. Keep a memory locker of sorts so you can reinforce yourself on those difficult times where you feel overcome and overwhelmed by your grief and loss. This works in many situations, the loss of a marriage, friend, lover, fur child, whatever and whomever you hold dear to and in your heart. Grief is not just about death anyways. Its about change, loss, amongst so many other events. Whenever we feel or experience any kind of loss, it causes grief in one form or another.  filling one's memory locker is an important task to keep lessons, events, people, places and times we have enjoyed, learned a lesson from the event or person, or just to keep our own hope alive . Try  your best to fill it with good things, the occasional difficult event and cherished memories of people and times gone by to buoy us in the days to come.