Respectfully Yours

I recall a time when life was simpler, or else I had less knowledge and worries. A time where people were courteous and respectful to one another and thought before they spoke or acted. If you really wanted to know someone's opinion, you asked it and most times they gave it and in a decent manner for the most part. If you did not want an opinion most times no one gave it to you unsolicited. People had troubles, sure, but most did not feel the need to publicize them and try to elicit pity or a cheering squad. You knew people well enough to know and support them as you could and would. You knew people well enough, those close to you at least, to know their dislikes, likes and the like. You may not always have agreed, but you chose to be respectful and appreciate their choices as best you could.  It was a slower time in terms of technology, but looking things up manually was not as horrid as one might think.  We played outside, rode bikes places and had no gadgetry to speed up meal preparation, and no digital dictionary. We added numbers using pen and pencil on paper, calculators came later, but were seldom allowed in exams.We spent time with one another, friends made time for each other, family had meaning and was not placed on the back burner. We were busy then also, but in a different way. Perhaps many of my memories translate to the way I was brought up, and our value systems are all different as day and night. Seems a key element is that is missing is simple respect for all people and things.

Recently as I peruse social media pages, I am happy to see so many acquaintances and see their mostly positive posts. A few closer friends as well as family are there as well, and I am pleased to be able to see their posts as well as what is going on in their lives. I also have connections from high school days, past workplaces and individuals who either play the same online games I play, or did, and see their postings and mostly enjoy staying abreast of their worlds.On social media, as in everyday day to day real life, there are negativities and things that border on just plain idiotic. I glance at those and move on, grateful to not be in their galaxy any more.Then there is the vague post, where it is a hook to get you involved in their drama du jour.  Politics and causes are rampant, and some of those posts are meaningful and factual, which is a lot more than I can say about much of our media stream these days. It has been enlightening to see who is for what cause or what politico running for office. I care not to discuss politics online, but respect others like of doing so. Other people are like the traveling salesmen of days gone by, selling their wares to the consumer, only in an electronic/digital way. It is an interesting way to access products you wish to own and makes life easy in some ways.Then there are those who like to label themselves and align themselves to a specific group or type of person, for me that is a kin to needing to belong or make an excuse for why they do what and as they do.  For myself, I try to post glimpses into my life as well as memes that I find useful or helpful in some small way. If I do not agree with or like your post I am more likely to send you an offline message than to reply negatively on your page, it is just who I am, and works for me. Most times though I barely know you, now or anymore, so I choose to take no action, unless you have posted something that is an untrue urban legend type of thing, then I might respond and direct you to Snopes.com where you can, and should, check out the validity of what you are so fiercely aligning yourself to or with. Mostly I find recipes I like, products I enjoy, crafts I hope to someday find time for and such pleasantries as that to post to my Pinterest page for perusal at a later time. I might also post something to one of my three adult children's pages that struck a chord for me, as well as family members that are on social media. Once again the bottom line comes down to respect, and I have been guilty of not giving that sometimes. I strive to keep my respect meter in place, and sometimes will comment, then quickly either not hit the enter button, or remove said post in a short time. I guess for the most part I want to create as much harmony in a world where the disharmonious seems oh so rampant and out of control lately.

You may ask why do I blog such as I am right now. Its a need I have to put my thoughts and feelings out in the written word. I am not a novelist nor an author, no intentions of being either. I am a human and have a love of words and writing my feelings out into words that are cohesive, at least to me. You may choose to read or ignore, and I respect your decision to do what is best for you in this matter and all things in life, provided it hurts no one else. With that I remain, respectfully yours. 

Tolerance

Tolerance is being patient, understanding and accepting of anything different

Tolerance is that quality that I have possessed for many years. In fact, it goes back to my childhood days and was learned at a young age through many events that made me stronger, wiser, but often saddened by the intolerance and indifference shown by others. As I have gotten older, I find my tolerance dwindling to a degree. I tend to no longer mince words or keep my opinion to myself. I tire of people promising things and never doing even one bit of what they say they will do. I used to clam up and say nothing, now I tend to tell someone exactly how I feel, but without cruelty, just unabashed honest truth. I like the older me, I am less likely to get walked on, I know exactly who I can and who I cannot count on. My friends basically are countable on just one hand, and we are not talking "friends" as defined in the social media realm. I never worried much about makeup, hair, clothes, styles or trends. I still feel that way. Sure I can dress up and polish myself when the occasion calls for it, but mostly I wear comfortable clothes and shoes, no make up and wear my hair short. I do most of my clothes shopping online, I am one of those women who truly does not like shopping for such things. I love to try new products, and love colognes, lotions and perfumes. What I wear, how I dress, and all that jazz, I do for me and not for those around me. In my work life, I dress according to our dress code policy. I value being employed and want to keep a low profile in that respect, no sense in sticking out like a sore thumb. I do not enjoy sports, either watching or attending, and for that I will not apologize. I do not enjoy watching television, when a show interests me, I wait until it is out on Netflix and stream it, watching in short binges for my own enjoyment. I read mainly news articles and very little fiction. I enjoy true crime writers the very best of all. As a teenager, I read Truman Capote's In Cold Blood, and was totally engrossed in it. While it was, and is, a frightening account of criminal and horrible acts committed, I was stunned yet could not stop reading .To this day I still read mostly true crime novels. In high school, I read some romance writers, Victoria Holt being amongst them. It was the genre most of my friends read, and to fit in, I read it too. Fast forward to my days of my first apartment and true independence. I stopped reading romance then, most of it is formulated and trite, and easily guessed as to what the outcome will be. I respect that it sells well and it is a great form of entertainment for many, but it is just not my cup of tea at all. I dislike labels and those that people attach to others as well as themselves, I even wrote about this recently. I find many on social media as well as people I once hung with or was a friend to and with seem to need to label themselves for identity purposes or even for an excuse. I listen to them intently and will often ask them, so, you need an excuse why you do this or that? I follow up with, why not just say you do not enjoy this or like to do that and have it at that? Seems people need labels as an excuse or rational behind what they do or do not do.  I do not follow political posts to a great deal either, its just who I am. Yes, I am aware of who is running, what they stand for and all that detail, but in the end, my vote will be cast on my own opinion, and not someones rambles on social media. Having once been the brunt of personal affronts and attacks, I feel pain when I see someone being treated or spoken of unkindly. That being said, I try to treat everyone as kindly as possible, given whatever the situation at hand. Each work day for a ten hour period, I do customer service, both outbound and inbound calls, thankfully no sales are involved. I treat each person with respect, even though at times the person on the other end of the phone is less than that to me. I am an ambassador to the company I am employed by, I am paid to keep an even keel and provide the best possible service and answers I am able to.It is really simple and easy to do. I find in my day to day life when dealing with the public, I am pretty much the same way, non-judgmental, non-confrontational and a good listener. In fact, immodestly I will say my listening skills are my number one attribute along with being empathetic and understanding. That brings me to my subject I began with, tolerance. Those I do not know well I tolerate to a different extent and rationale that those I am more familiar with. Why, you may ask? Well, those I do not know I truly do NOT know. I am not familiar with their life, the events and all of the small and large details, so I give the benefit of the doubt. Others that I know to a greater extent, I have more information on and know when they need tolerance and when they are just being a brat, plain and simple. Those I am closest to, get my most tolerance, for I know them intimately and know the extent and detail of their suffering and what they have endured. Then there are yet others, whom I once knew pretty well, but time and circumstances have distanced us and when I reunite with them on social media, I either am as tolerant as ever, or I find myself irritated at them and how they have changed from whom they used to be, or appeared to be back in the day. I feel saddened to think that someone I once knew so well has changed so much, but then again, so have I. I have had a life no more exciting or ordinary than most, but my life is just that, MINE. No one can live it for me, and I need to make myself and those in my small circle happy and content with where we are. I no longer have time to try to convince past friends to meet up and have coffee or go to a movie or dinner, if we wanted to be in one another's life, we would, plain and simple. I used to feel badly that others did not stay in touch with me or even try, but even that is a two way street. I do have people I rarely see, but when we do get together, it is just as though no time has passed and we are immediately in sync once again, much like a comfortable sweater, well worn and loved. We do not need to brag or speak in volumes of our successes and such trite things. We speak of our life, and what has happened since we last got together. It is not about one oneupmanship  it IS about reconnecting and staying in tune with them as best we can in the short time we have to play catch up.So, basically I have just prattled on about this and that, but I needed to say things and this blog is the best way for me to express myself. No one may ever read this, and even if they do, they may not understand. It is okay, this I do for me, and if it helps someone else along the way, then it is a good thing. After all, life is not a competition and it is not a stage play, a novel or anything close to it. It is what we make it, and we all are only in it for a short while, so make it the best you can.

Label Me Not

So many things are labeled these days, and many of them are attributes or groups people belong to, Some in my wide circle of acquaintances call themselves introverts.Others call themselves disabled, gluten intolerant, political activists, the list goes on endlessly. Unless it is an inanimate object, it has not been my preference to label people. We are so much more than who or what we identify ourselves as. First and foremost, we are humans. Perhaps some of our treatment of one another is less than human, but at the core of our existence, we are humans, flesh and blood beings capable of many and varied things. When I worked in the mental health field, I detested people being labeled. Nasty names like bi-polar, schizo-affective  socio-pathological  depressed, and that list goes on to the nth degree. These are not who people are, they are diagnosis that should be used only for billing purposes, or to receive some sort of benefits due to a disability. Much like heart disease, diabetes, multiple sclerosis, cancer, lupus and multiple other diseases. They serve no positive purpose in getting to know a person, and I mean really know them. In other classifications, people call themselves friends to others, both in person and on social media sources. Just because you occasionally commiserate with another person does not make you friends, a friend is someone who shares a deep knowledge of you, deeply aware of your good, bad and a host of other information. They care about you deeply, most often love you and accept you flaws and  gifts equally.Recently I have become increasingly aware of people using a broad definition of friendship, and often times, they really do not understand the word.

Part of me wonders why some feel the need to label themselves so outrightly and proclaim their akin to those groups of traits. I prefer to think of everyone as a whole made up of all those facets, without any one taking center stage in a good or in a negative light. You can call yourself Mother, Father, animal lover, sister, brother, cousin, worker, writer, publicists, nurse, doctor, and the list goes on and on. These are roles we play, but do not make up the sole qualities of the person. On Facebook I see many proclaiming themselves as introverts. Funny, we all have that quality from time to time, and no one I personally have met is that and nothing more. For the most part, and I expect some nasty replies, most peopleI have known  that label themselves as  introverts are self-centered, self serving and narcissistic in behavior.  Sure not all, but some are that and then some. Preferring solitude to the company of others is a preference, not a lifestyle, though some make it their soul purpose in life to embrace the group they most identify with.  I personally find myself with traits of both the introvert and the extrovert, depending on the situation, my comfort level and other factors. I prefer to be known for myself, the multi-faceted and  diverse individual I have become over the past sixty one years. No one group describes me, nor anyone else for that matter.

The bottom line in all this is to avoid labels, for yourself, your friends and acquaintances, but learn to love all of who you are and what makes you the happiest in life. Most often I find pleasing everyone is impossible, and  no longer defines me except when I need to fit in a certain situation I may encounter or need to conform to or in. Some of you will understand my little piece here, some will scratch their head and wonder what the heck I am talking about. Either is good, as if you have read this far, I have managed to make you think about yourself and others in a different light. 

The Metamorphosis of Friendship

Since I was made aware that today is National Best Friend Day by a past school friend, it seized me as the perfect opportunity to discuss the issue of friends and the types of friendships we forge over the years. Perhaps  I will define the types of friendship I believe most of us have  and have had. We first of all have childhood friends, those we meet in our youth, remain friends with through our grade school days, and, if we are lucky, far beyond. When we truly forge great friendships at this age, we can be lucky and stay in regular and active contact with these friends.

Often times, the next friend we have are the college or work friends. People we see each and every day either in classes or at our work venue. We get to know them  through this daily exchange and many times it continues outside of the workplace and beyond our terms at college or our tenure at our jobs.

Next may come the friends we make when we have children, often they can be neighbors we meet, parents of our children's

 friends or classmates, and we mesh with them so perfectly they become friends even well past the friendships of our children and last beyond their school years.

We continue to make friends throughout our lives, at workplaces, hobby and learning environments, support groups and the whole gamut of social interaction, including electronic social media. Due to the changeable nature of life itself, our friendships often become transient, people move away from the area, the job, or even from us. We lose friends through arguments, even through death. Nevertheless, their influence in our love remains for the balance of our existence.

At my age, my closest friends are from past work places , college days and my children's grade school days. They were in my life at a time where things for me were changing, and I needed their wisdom, and ability to help me remain stable and for them to be sounding boards for  my issues, feelings and decisions. They have remained the backbone of what I consider true and unconditional friendship. Unfortunately my friends from childhood are are no longer pivotal in my life. I value what they contributed to me way back when, but we have not stayed in contact in many ways, though no part of either party involved. Sometimes I am able to read some of their blogs and postings on social media and through a few phone conversations with some. I come to the realization that we have commuted to different ways and means of life, and have spun out of one another's circles. The relationships are over for the most part, but the memories remain etched indelibly into our hears and minds. At this point in my life I also have some decent work friends, but only a few of these overlap outside the workplace boundaries. This group is especially important, as I spend a good share of ten hour days, forty hour weeks and part of the weekend with them. These friends entertain me, and I them. We often give one another feedback and support both inside and outside of the work place.

My dearest friends are those I do not see often, but whenever we do get together, it is like we pick up a well loved novel and are able to take up right where we last left off. We catch up as best and as often as we can, and know in our hearts these friendships are of the platinum variety, rare and beautiful, treasured and meaningful. I think friendships such as these come along only a few times in our life, and we recognize them quickly.

The nature of life keeps many of us from seeing any of our friends to the extend we might like or enjoy. Our work schedules often do not mesh, we have family obligations as well as home life to attend to. My biggest disappointment is when a friend makes little or no effort to meet halfway and commune even briefly on some level. I quickly dissolve my disappointment though, any relationship is not 50/50, but 100/100, so when one has less than their all to give, it is still a full relationship, with one taking up the slack in the situation. It is not an ideal or perfect world we live in, but perhaps looking at one another's ideas and values with friendships serves us with good purpose and reminders. It helps us define whom we are, what we want, what we are able to give and commit to. Since all of us have different expectations and definitions as well as needs in friendship, this way we might better understand why some are not in tune to it the same as we might be.

As always, I strive for balance and to maintain my equilibrium in my life and the lives of others I may touch of influence. Friendships were and are important in my own life.

Now and Then

So many things in our lives can be a comparison of now to then. I know I think about my past and know it has shaped me radically into the person I have become today. I also know that the person I am now may not be very well liked by some people that I could encounter today that I knew then. We all change, life has a way of doing that to us. I have found embracing change through radical acceptance when it is a difficult change just makes the process easier and less burdensome on me.

 In the recent past, my beau and I had a chance to reconnect with one of his childhood friends. The experience was eye-opening and educational, for many reasons which I shall discuss in this posting. He had not seen this friend in many years and they were close as children, spending many hours together and having many experiences together that they fondly as well as laughingly recalled years later. He did his best to reconnect with this past friend, problem was, they had both changed radically in the many years that had passed.. My beau has been through some difficult health issues, a failed marriage and family issues. His friend had health issues as well, is currently married to the same woman for over thirty years, has had several children as well as his share of heartaches and successes. When we first got together, it was fun and it was enjoyable to hear all their old stories of the childhood adventures and mishaps together. We always went to their house, and brought along some food or other things to share.Their young adult children were there most times and it was a busy household with lots of activity and a few young grandchildren folded into the mix. They clearly love their grandchildren and that was nice to watch their interactions. As time passed, the high activity became almost chaotic, to the point of jangling our nerves. We were guests in their home, and never passed judgement on the pace of things there, it was the norm for them and we could not nor would not expect them to change for us. We would leave and feel as though we needed to diffuse some of our jangled nerves with a cup of coffee and a leisurely drive home to peace and quiet that WE need to function. We never tried to have them over, we did meet them for dinner several times and they stopped by a few times, but I was at work. I know that some people need and like to have things on their terms, and it seemed this way with them so I did not try to have a get together with them at my home. His childhood friend's wife had also informed us of her HATE for cats, and with six of them in my home, knew that our home would not be a fitting place to gather. Fast forward about a year and we saw less and less of them due to all of our busy lives as well my days off had changed at my job. A few remarks were made that I may well have misinterpreted and my feelings were hurt. My beau and I talked things over and we decided we needed to divest ourselves of visiting and being friends with them, our differences were just to disparate to continue on with any sort of friendship. We stopped communications with them and have not regretted our decision.

Recently I have tried to rekindle some past friendships as well. There are a few people that I get together with only a few times a year, but that works and I value greatly the time we have together. The remainder of those I tried reconnection with just did not pan out at all. Sometimes it was due to my work schedule, sometimes the other person was too busy with their life and had no time to add any additional people or activities in it. Other times it has been that after some thought and consideration, I just realize we share no common bonds or interests anymore. What brought us together in the past was our school or work relationship, without those daily occurrences we became distant and disinterested in one another's company. Life happens and I accept this completely, though in some cases it has saddened me and made me wonder why they could not make the time nor communicate occasionally in some small fashion. Recently I have finally realized that some friendships and relationships do not stand the test of time when there is not regular interaction , and that as we have grown we have changed and sometimes have become radically different people than we once were.Often times the case is we make new friends to replace in some fashion the ones we once had.

Hold on to those memories of past relationships, use them going forward to provide you with laughs, reminiscent stories, as well as education of yourself to accept that change is inevitable in all things at all times. Differences we have as individuals are what make us unique and make us interesting to others. Bottom line is that importantly we need to respect each other despite our differences and realize we can not be friends with everyone, most of us know that. There is no need to disrespect and speak harshly because we do not see eye to eye or do as one another do.Perhaps seeing past friends in a different venue, such as a reunion, a chance meeting at a local grocery store or restaurant is enough in many cases to keep the distant memories fresh and remember things as they were then. Now is what is here and we cannot continue to regret that we cannot recapture what once was wonderful and cherished in its own way. The same holds true for parents that have become empty nested, hold on to the stories and memories of raising your children and people you interfaced with and let it provide you with fuel for the times you wish for what was. It truly is impossible to live in the past, but possible to keep the bits of it that make the story of who we are right now.

Grief, Loss and the Memory Locker

Both of my parents have been deceased for some time now, my Father, Arthur Moore passed away from colon cancer on October 31, 1983, my Mother, Birdie Bellinger Moore departed this world on May 10, 1998, at the age of 85. My oldest brother, Gary, died on January 25, 2005, at the age of 61, several months shy of his 62nd birthday, from sudden cardiac arrest. The death of loved ones, both family and friends is not easy in any respect of the word. My only sister Ruth lost her oldest son, Eric Parkhurst, December 17, 1997 in a tragic car accident in Arizona. I could name countless others who have passed away in my lifetime, many dear friends, former co-workers, other relatives, neighbors and friends of others I known. I speak of this today due to a former co-worker and  friend who has lost her sister, son and husband all in the course of nine short months, beginning last June 2015. Years filled with such multiple losses become blurs , though much of the circumstances of each event have clear recall at times when certain triggers bring to life those memories. Perhaps it is the protective actions in our brains that help us conveniently forget them for a length of time, though some lose none of the details of any events of this nature. Her loss brings to the forefront how losses have forever changed me, mostly strengthened my resolve,endurance and desire to live in the here and now, and stay positive and forward moving. That does not mean I have forgotten people, oh quite the contrary. Mostly I carry these people in my heart and mind, and for the most part the memories are positive , often tinged with a memory or a lesson we have learned over time.

People might ask, how do you stay positive? My answer is in a question form , "How could I not?" My parents and family gave me wonderful memories, sure a not so great one once in a while, but far and above, the best memories I have are good, and often simple. Events may trigger them, such as holiday times and foods and remembering fondly the celebrations our family would have. Often routines that led up to the celebrations are a part of the memory, such as things my Mother would prepare in advance for the celebrations, from as simple as cleaning the house, shopping for foods she would make and decorating the house or the yard. Traditions often get carried forward, and just as often we make our own new ones. These memories sustain us in the in between times that are mundane and not so memory inducing or making. Everyday life is often not memorable, but rather a repetitive occurrence we perform to transport us to the memorable, or good times we hope and mostly, do have.  Sometimes we place these past occurrences on such a pedestal, that no other event can ever compare to them. My boyfriend Rick and I have discussed this at length. In my case, I look at these as markers, something to remember and cherish, but I know that things of this caliber are once in a lifetime for the most part, and meant to be remembered, and truly not regretted or compared to current and future events. Perspective is what one needs to keep things in a proper frame and give credence to the past, without forsaking now or what is to come.

So, many of you may not understand where I am coming from or where this leads, but many of you do or will. Grieving is not an easy process, and is different from person to person, and no one way is right or wrong. Comparing how you deal with grief to someone else is a poor option, often leading to some self doubt or reprimand in ones mind. I caution people not to do this, it is never wise and let's face it, each of our stories is different and needs to be handled the way that works for you, not me, not others.Grieve in your own way, keep your own stock of memories to get you through now and future. Keep a memory locker of sorts so you can reinforce yourself on those difficult times where you feel overcome and overwhelmed by your grief and loss. This works in many situations, the loss of a marriage, friend, lover, fur child, whatever and whomever you hold dear to and in your heart. Grief is not just about death anyways. Its about change, loss, amongst so many other events. Whenever we feel or experience any kind of loss, it causes grief in one form or another.  filling one's memory locker is an important task to keep lessons, events, people, places and times we have enjoyed, learned a lesson from the event or person, or just to keep our own hope alive . Try  your best to fill it with good things, the occasional difficult event and cherished memories of people and times gone by to buoy us in the days to come.