Goodbyes

How do we say goodbye to those we lose? Losing people we adore, love and enjoy in our lives is never an easy task. Many of our goodbyes are semi-permanent as well. When someone close to us in some way passes away, we hold memories of them in our heart and mind forever, saying goodbye only to their physical presence in our life.When we change jobs, or addresses, we lose folks as well in those situations. Try as we might, most time we lose the connections we had to these folks on a daily basis. We mean to stay connected, but life's obligations and rhythms make it difficult much of the time. Sometimes we lose folks in our life due to differences of opinion, those situations are tense and hard to deal with in their own way. Sometimes we try to meet on a middle or neutral ground, but often in such terse situations, try as we might, success is not achieved to remain connected and meaningful in our exchanges.

Ways to cope with loss vary from person to person, truly there is no right or wrong way to grieve a loss of any kind. Sometimes we may not understand the persons ways of dealing with the remains of their memories and feelings, but it is their way and judging them is not beneficial to them or to you. Support is what folks need in these times as well as acceptance. When one can find coping mechanisms to deal with their loss, it helps them to lead a happier life, though life can and never will be what it was. That leads me to what life is full of, and that is change. Change is something we have all the time, people and situations move in and out of our life much more often and rapidly we might like it to occur. These are things we cannot control, the sooner we can realize that the easier the change itself might be to deal with for us.

At a beloved job, I learned about dialectical behavior therapy. One of the key components is radical acceptance. There are things in life we somehow just have to accept at face value, for what is is and do our best to move forward, and we all move forward at different speeds. It is okay that we all process our situations in different ways and on different time tables. We should be less judgmental of how people do process things and give them room to go on at their own pace in their own time. I will also add here, that some people seem to stay stuck in the angst the remainder of their lives, never truly able to let go of some of it and move forward. When loss becomes obsessive, it will often drive others away, leaving some wondering where their support committee went. It also means one needs be cognizant of where they want life to go. I am not saying people should forget, but one needs to learn what they can about themselves, and take the necessary baggage from the past and keep it where it needs to be for them to live productive and a life as fulfilling as possible.

I also am reminded of many people saying, you do not know how or what I am feeling, you have no way of knowing. I like to reflect back, of course I do not know, I am not you and cannot begin to feel what you feel within your heart and soul. To counter I like to add, and you cannot feel what I have dealt with in terms of loss, either. I can only attempt to support you, listen to you and be there in some small way. People that want to help want to do just that. Sometimes it is awkward to know just what to say or do, but your circle of people will want to help in some fashion, no matter how small to let you know they care. Being a helper/listening individual I find myself in support mode frequently and want to help others with their goodbyes and issues with them. I am not an expert by no means, just a willing empathetic soul that has a need to reach out and be there, even for some I barely know.

Goodbyes are rarely totally terminal, we tend to keep some of the morsels of the person, job, experience etcetera  in our memory locker, to pull out in fond remembrance or to warm our soul on those difficult days.Even when we try to erase things and people from our conscious, we retain fragments that pop up at unexpected moments. From my experience, most of these fragments make me smile or remind me of an important lesson of life that I learned. In closing, there is truly no average or standard in goodbye and dealing with loss of any kind, one has to deal with it from their own need as well as desire to move on with this journey we call life.


                                                       ~~~balance in all things~~~

The View from Here

Lately when reading others social media posts I try to connect with what they are feeling, seeing, and experiencing. Sometimes this is desperately difficult, I share my day to day goings on easily and often, things we cook, things we do and projects we are working on here in my home of thirty years. Many people are very vague in their postings, others are much more public than I ever would or could be, I was raised by two loving and wise parents, youngest of five, one sister and three brothers. We were all taught to do our best job on everything we did, to help out in any way we could and to not be burdensome to others .Part of not being burdensome was keeping the most of ones sorrows and troubles hidden from most, shared only with those we loved, or very close to. I have had my share of troubles, sorrows and shameful things in my life, only my tight knit circle know about the lion's share of them. Putting ones heart out on their sleeves can be dangerous for oneself as well as others. When my twenty year marriage dissolved, I needed to seek outside therapy as I was obsessed with the loss and could not overcome it without the help of two female therapists who helped me put all in perspective and helped me realize what strength I had  now and then. I am ever in their gratitude for waking me to my own resilience and wisdom in life, Colleen and Linda, wherever you may be, greatest thanks indeed.But, back to the business of social media and too much self revelations shared and spread.

When you find yourself at a loss for your life, it is not a sign of weakness to seek help, in fact it is strength when you realize you just cannot get thing together or past things without others to kindly and gently point you in the direction you need to go in. Continuing to stay stuck does not help you to resolve anger, hurt, disappointment, loss and all those other things you are bombarded with on a daily basis. Never compare your own situation as not as bad as someone else, or worse than someone else. After all, we are not in one an other's shoes or situations, so how can we truly know what they are feeling deep within their deepest recesses? Simply said, we just do not and should never disenfranchise another with their feelings or life situations. To not be validated by others is indeed a feeling that most often elicits anger and hurt, so try your best to understand others and where they are coming from. Telling me, or others, that I just do not know what you have been through is just inaccurate as can be. Perhaps I have not suffered the same losses you have, but nevertheless, I have had my own as well as others have also. Keeping an open mind and heart helps one to heal themselves also.

I have found for ME, what works is true and genuine concern for others plights and situations, trying to assess their situation and be and do what I can and they will allow me to in order to assist them in some way, even if it is only a small way. Sadly, I have found many people that are so self involved and self absorbed, that they just do not seem to be able to focus outside of themselves in most ways. For me, this was the key for self healing and a resolution of sorts to my deep and painful hurt and sorrow. Which brings us back to seeking outside help, someone we can trust, if possible a professional, to help us get back on a day to day road and routine that can get us some bit of satisfaction once again in our daily lives. The biggest hurdle to overcome is the fact that most likely that this necessitates change, and change is not an easy thing to embrace, as we all have experienced at one time of another in our life.

Excuses like labeling oneself do not assist either, it just gives us an excuse to stay stuck where we are with a false reason of sorts to stay there and continue to spin our wheels. Before you realize it, your wheels are stuck as though in a bed of concrete. I know some that say well, I am an introvert, I cannot do what you do. Kind soul, one is not expecting you to do exactly as I do, but get out of your own way so you can look objectively at things and get more out of life than your current  focus seems to be getting you to.

The biggest hurdle for me was to learn to trust again, but only a chosen few. Feelings close to the heart and soul need to be protected so one does not experience more hurt, and finding that person you trust can be difficult, but not impossible. Sometimes the person you need to trust more is right in front of you when you look in the mirror, self-doubt can cripple and keep you stuck and not assist you in moving forward.

Those few of you that wish to remain stuck, and mostly miserable, remember this is a choice. Attitude is a decision, as is life paths and moves we all make. Consider what you want and make a list, some things in life we can never regain, but we can gain other things once again to help us feel we are living the life we want and need. Balance is the key to inner peace and self -harmony.

Time(s) A Changin'

We turned our clocks ahead one hour this morning at 2 AM. From reading a few social media posts as well as "acquaintances" blog posts, one would think this is the beginning of the end for some, To me it is just another example of useless bemoaning of a simple one hour issue. I am sure there are some that can point out the ill effects of this one hour time change, and feel free to comment and state what these issues are. Personally, I feel it is just more of the usual whining, complaining and griping most folks seem to do. The effect it has on me is minimal, I admit I enjoy looking at the clock and seeing the longer daylight hours. The clock is where the change is, and so many live by the clock and have to. Those of us  that work have a time clock to punch, unless we are in a job where exact work start and stop are not regulated. I have had both kinds of jobs, clock dependent and non-clock dependent, personally, I prefer the clock dependent kind. My work day begins and ends in an orderly fashion, which for this lover of routine is a good thing. I thrive on routine and order, chaos still enters my life, but with my environment controlled as much as I can, it is less damaging to me.Anyone that knows me, which today is only a hand full of folks, realizes my love of order which for me keeps life's issues at a minimum.This works for ME, though I do not recommend this lifestyle for everyone, one needs to find and adapt what works for THEM.

Hating daylight savings time (DST), is akin to the Monday haters out there, along with those that live for Friday afternoon and the weekend.It is like everyone has to have an issue to gripe about and moan and groan they do. If the worst thing life hands you is a one hour shift in your day ONCE per year, the horrid thing of needing to get up every Monday and begin another week of work, then consider yourself lucky and blessed. Finding what is wrong with life and the situations we encounter seem to be the focus and purpose in many life of so many people. Why not flip it and find what is right in life,and focus on that instead? While not all will agree or be able to adapt this mode of thinking, why not try? Since life is what we make it, why not make it the best it can be? In closing, one also has to remember that the universe does not revolve around each of us, it is a broader picture than that. If we think of others some of the time, perhaps our gripes and complaints might be better placed in perspective. Enough said...enjoy your day, enjoy your life, whatever you choose to do.

Respectfully Yours

I recall a time when life was simpler, or else I had less knowledge and worries. A time where people were courteous and respectful to one another and thought before they spoke or acted. If you really wanted to know someone's opinion, you asked it and most times they gave it and in a decent manner for the most part. If you did not want an opinion most times no one gave it to you unsolicited. People had troubles, sure, but most did not feel the need to publicize them and try to elicit pity or a cheering squad. You knew people well enough to know and support them as you could and would. You knew people well enough, those close to you at least, to know their dislikes, likes and the like. You may not always have agreed, but you chose to be respectful and appreciate their choices as best you could.  It was a slower time in terms of technology, but looking things up manually was not as horrid as one might think.  We played outside, rode bikes places and had no gadgetry to speed up meal preparation, and no digital dictionary. We added numbers using pen and pencil on paper, calculators came later, but were seldom allowed in exams.We spent time with one another, friends made time for each other, family had meaning and was not placed on the back burner. We were busy then also, but in a different way. Perhaps many of my memories translate to the way I was brought up, and our value systems are all different as day and night. Seems a key element is that is missing is simple respect for all people and things.

Recently as I peruse social media pages, I am happy to see so many acquaintances and see their mostly positive posts. A few closer friends as well as family are there as well, and I am pleased to be able to see their posts as well as what is going on in their lives. I also have connections from high school days, past workplaces and individuals who either play the same online games I play, or did, and see their postings and mostly enjoy staying abreast of their worlds.On social media, as in everyday day to day real life, there are negativities and things that border on just plain idiotic. I glance at those and move on, grateful to not be in their galaxy any more.Then there is the vague post, where it is a hook to get you involved in their drama du jour.  Politics and causes are rampant, and some of those posts are meaningful and factual, which is a lot more than I can say about much of our media stream these days. It has been enlightening to see who is for what cause or what politico running for office. I care not to discuss politics online, but respect others like of doing so. Other people are like the traveling salesmen of days gone by, selling their wares to the consumer, only in an electronic/digital way. It is an interesting way to access products you wish to own and makes life easy in some ways.Then there are those who like to label themselves and align themselves to a specific group or type of person, for me that is a kin to needing to belong or make an excuse for why they do what and as they do.  For myself, I try to post glimpses into my life as well as memes that I find useful or helpful in some small way. If I do not agree with or like your post I am more likely to send you an offline message than to reply negatively on your page, it is just who I am, and works for me. Most times though I barely know you, now or anymore, so I choose to take no action, unless you have posted something that is an untrue urban legend type of thing, then I might respond and direct you to Snopes.com where you can, and should, check out the validity of what you are so fiercely aligning yourself to or with. Mostly I find recipes I like, products I enjoy, crafts I hope to someday find time for and such pleasantries as that to post to my Pinterest page for perusal at a later time. I might also post something to one of my three adult children's pages that struck a chord for me, as well as family members that are on social media. Once again the bottom line comes down to respect, and I have been guilty of not giving that sometimes. I strive to keep my respect meter in place, and sometimes will comment, then quickly either not hit the enter button, or remove said post in a short time. I guess for the most part I want to create as much harmony in a world where the disharmonious seems oh so rampant and out of control lately.

You may ask why do I blog such as I am right now. Its a need I have to put my thoughts and feelings out in the written word. I am not a novelist nor an author, no intentions of being either. I am a human and have a love of words and writing my feelings out into words that are cohesive, at least to me. You may choose to read or ignore, and I respect your decision to do what is best for you in this matter and all things in life, provided it hurts no one else. With that I remain, respectfully yours. 

Tolerance

Tolerance is being patient, understanding and accepting of anything different

Tolerance is that quality that I have possessed for many years. In fact, it goes back to my childhood days and was learned at a young age through many events that made me stronger, wiser, but often saddened by the intolerance and indifference shown by others. As I have gotten older, I find my tolerance dwindling to a degree. I tend to no longer mince words or keep my opinion to myself. I tire of people promising things and never doing even one bit of what they say they will do. I used to clam up and say nothing, now I tend to tell someone exactly how I feel, but without cruelty, just unabashed honest truth. I like the older me, I am less likely to get walked on, I know exactly who I can and who I cannot count on. My friends basically are countable on just one hand, and we are not talking "friends" as defined in the social media realm. I never worried much about makeup, hair, clothes, styles or trends. I still feel that way. Sure I can dress up and polish myself when the occasion calls for it, but mostly I wear comfortable clothes and shoes, no make up and wear my hair short. I do most of my clothes shopping online, I am one of those women who truly does not like shopping for such things. I love to try new products, and love colognes, lotions and perfumes. What I wear, how I dress, and all that jazz, I do for me and not for those around me. In my work life, I dress according to our dress code policy. I value being employed and want to keep a low profile in that respect, no sense in sticking out like a sore thumb. I do not enjoy sports, either watching or attending, and for that I will not apologize. I do not enjoy watching television, when a show interests me, I wait until it is out on Netflix and stream it, watching in short binges for my own enjoyment. I read mainly news articles and very little fiction. I enjoy true crime writers the very best of all. As a teenager, I read Truman Capote's In Cold Blood, and was totally engrossed in it. While it was, and is, a frightening account of criminal and horrible acts committed, I was stunned yet could not stop reading .To this day I still read mostly true crime novels. In high school, I read some romance writers, Victoria Holt being amongst them. It was the genre most of my friends read, and to fit in, I read it too. Fast forward to my days of my first apartment and true independence. I stopped reading romance then, most of it is formulated and trite, and easily guessed as to what the outcome will be. I respect that it sells well and it is a great form of entertainment for many, but it is just not my cup of tea at all. I dislike labels and those that people attach to others as well as themselves, I even wrote about this recently. I find many on social media as well as people I once hung with or was a friend to and with seem to need to label themselves for identity purposes or even for an excuse. I listen to them intently and will often ask them, so, you need an excuse why you do this or that? I follow up with, why not just say you do not enjoy this or like to do that and have it at that? Seems people need labels as an excuse or rational behind what they do or do not do.  I do not follow political posts to a great deal either, its just who I am. Yes, I am aware of who is running, what they stand for and all that detail, but in the end, my vote will be cast on my own opinion, and not someones rambles on social media. Having once been the brunt of personal affronts and attacks, I feel pain when I see someone being treated or spoken of unkindly. That being said, I try to treat everyone as kindly as possible, given whatever the situation at hand. Each work day for a ten hour period, I do customer service, both outbound and inbound calls, thankfully no sales are involved. I treat each person with respect, even though at times the person on the other end of the phone is less than that to me. I am an ambassador to the company I am employed by, I am paid to keep an even keel and provide the best possible service and answers I am able to.It is really simple and easy to do. I find in my day to day life when dealing with the public, I am pretty much the same way, non-judgmental, non-confrontational and a good listener. In fact, immodestly I will say my listening skills are my number one attribute along with being empathetic and understanding. That brings me to my subject I began with, tolerance. Those I do not know well I tolerate to a different extent and rationale that those I am more familiar with. Why, you may ask? Well, those I do not know I truly do NOT know. I am not familiar with their life, the events and all of the small and large details, so I give the benefit of the doubt. Others that I know to a greater extent, I have more information on and know when they need tolerance and when they are just being a brat, plain and simple. Those I am closest to, get my most tolerance, for I know them intimately and know the extent and detail of their suffering and what they have endured. Then there are yet others, whom I once knew pretty well, but time and circumstances have distanced us and when I reunite with them on social media, I either am as tolerant as ever, or I find myself irritated at them and how they have changed from whom they used to be, or appeared to be back in the day. I feel saddened to think that someone I once knew so well has changed so much, but then again, so have I. I have had a life no more exciting or ordinary than most, but my life is just that, MINE. No one can live it for me, and I need to make myself and those in my small circle happy and content with where we are. I no longer have time to try to convince past friends to meet up and have coffee or go to a movie or dinner, if we wanted to be in one another's life, we would, plain and simple. I used to feel badly that others did not stay in touch with me or even try, but even that is a two way street. I do have people I rarely see, but when we do get together, it is just as though no time has passed and we are immediately in sync once again, much like a comfortable sweater, well worn and loved. We do not need to brag or speak in volumes of our successes and such trite things. We speak of our life, and what has happened since we last got together. It is not about one oneupmanship  it IS about reconnecting and staying in tune with them as best we can in the short time we have to play catch up.So, basically I have just prattled on about this and that, but I needed to say things and this blog is the best way for me to express myself. No one may ever read this, and even if they do, they may not understand. It is okay, this I do for me, and if it helps someone else along the way, then it is a good thing. After all, life is not a competition and it is not a stage play, a novel or anything close to it. It is what we make it, and we all are only in it for a short while, so make it the best you can.

Label Me Not

So many things are labeled these days, and many of them are attributes or groups people belong to, Some in my wide circle of acquaintances call themselves introverts.Others call themselves disabled, gluten intolerant, political activists, the list goes on endlessly. Unless it is an inanimate object, it has not been my preference to label people. We are so much more than who or what we identify ourselves as. First and foremost, we are humans. Perhaps some of our treatment of one another is less than human, but at the core of our existence, we are humans, flesh and blood beings capable of many and varied things. When I worked in the mental health field, I detested people being labeled. Nasty names like bi-polar, schizo-affective  socio-pathological  depressed, and that list goes on to the nth degree. These are not who people are, they are diagnosis that should be used only for billing purposes, or to receive some sort of benefits due to a disability. Much like heart disease, diabetes, multiple sclerosis, cancer, lupus and multiple other diseases. They serve no positive purpose in getting to know a person, and I mean really know them. In other classifications, people call themselves friends to others, both in person and on social media sources. Just because you occasionally commiserate with another person does not make you friends, a friend is someone who shares a deep knowledge of you, deeply aware of your good, bad and a host of other information. They care about you deeply, most often love you and accept you flaws and  gifts equally.Recently I have become increasingly aware of people using a broad definition of friendship, and often times, they really do not understand the word.

Part of me wonders why some feel the need to label themselves so outrightly and proclaim their akin to those groups of traits. I prefer to think of everyone as a whole made up of all those facets, without any one taking center stage in a good or in a negative light. You can call yourself Mother, Father, animal lover, sister, brother, cousin, worker, writer, publicists, nurse, doctor, and the list goes on and on. These are roles we play, but do not make up the sole qualities of the person. On Facebook I see many proclaiming themselves as introverts. Funny, we all have that quality from time to time, and no one I personally have met is that and nothing more. For the most part, and I expect some nasty replies, most peopleI have known  that label themselves as  introverts are self-centered, self serving and narcissistic in behavior.  Sure not all, but some are that and then some. Preferring solitude to the company of others is a preference, not a lifestyle, though some make it their soul purpose in life to embrace the group they most identify with.  I personally find myself with traits of both the introvert and the extrovert, depending on the situation, my comfort level and other factors. I prefer to be known for myself, the multi-faceted and  diverse individual I have become over the past sixty one years. No one group describes me, nor anyone else for that matter.

The bottom line in all this is to avoid labels, for yourself, your friends and acquaintances, but learn to love all of who you are and what makes you the happiest in life. Most often I find pleasing everyone is impossible, and  no longer defines me except when I need to fit in a certain situation I may encounter or need to conform to or in. Some of you will understand my little piece here, some will scratch their head and wonder what the heck I am talking about. Either is good, as if you have read this far, I have managed to make you think about yourself and others in a different light. 

The Metamorphosis of Friendship

Since I was made aware that today is National Best Friend Day by a past school friend, it seized me as the perfect opportunity to discuss the issue of friends and the types of friendships we forge over the years. Perhaps  I will define the types of friendship I believe most of us have  and have had. We first of all have childhood friends, those we meet in our youth, remain friends with through our grade school days, and, if we are lucky, far beyond. When we truly forge great friendships at this age, we can be lucky and stay in regular and active contact with these friends.

Often times, the next friend we have are the college or work friends. People we see each and every day either in classes or at our work venue. We get to know them  through this daily exchange and many times it continues outside of the workplace and beyond our terms at college or our tenure at our jobs.

Next may come the friends we make when we have children, often they can be neighbors we meet, parents of our children's

 friends or classmates, and we mesh with them so perfectly they become friends even well past the friendships of our children and last beyond their school years.

We continue to make friends throughout our lives, at workplaces, hobby and learning environments, support groups and the whole gamut of social interaction, including electronic social media. Due to the changeable nature of life itself, our friendships often become transient, people move away from the area, the job, or even from us. We lose friends through arguments, even through death. Nevertheless, their influence in our love remains for the balance of our existence.

At my age, my closest friends are from past work places , college days and my children's grade school days. They were in my life at a time where things for me were changing, and I needed their wisdom, and ability to help me remain stable and for them to be sounding boards for  my issues, feelings and decisions. They have remained the backbone of what I consider true and unconditional friendship. Unfortunately my friends from childhood are are no longer pivotal in my life. I value what they contributed to me way back when, but we have not stayed in contact in many ways, though no part of either party involved. Sometimes I am able to read some of their blogs and postings on social media and through a few phone conversations with some. I come to the realization that we have commuted to different ways and means of life, and have spun out of one another's circles. The relationships are over for the most part, but the memories remain etched indelibly into our hears and minds. At this point in my life I also have some decent work friends, but only a few of these overlap outside the workplace boundaries. This group is especially important, as I spend a good share of ten hour days, forty hour weeks and part of the weekend with them. These friends entertain me, and I them. We often give one another feedback and support both inside and outside of the work place.

My dearest friends are those I do not see often, but whenever we do get together, it is like we pick up a well loved novel and are able to take up right where we last left off. We catch up as best and as often as we can, and know in our hearts these friendships are of the platinum variety, rare and beautiful, treasured and meaningful. I think friendships such as these come along only a few times in our life, and we recognize them quickly.

The nature of life keeps many of us from seeing any of our friends to the extend we might like or enjoy. Our work schedules often do not mesh, we have family obligations as well as home life to attend to. My biggest disappointment is when a friend makes little or no effort to meet halfway and commune even briefly on some level. I quickly dissolve my disappointment though, any relationship is not 50/50, but 100/100, so when one has less than their all to give, it is still a full relationship, with one taking up the slack in the situation. It is not an ideal or perfect world we live in, but perhaps looking at one another's ideas and values with friendships serves us with good purpose and reminders. It helps us define whom we are, what we want, what we are able to give and commit to. Since all of us have different expectations and definitions as well as needs in friendship, this way we might better understand why some are not in tune to it the same as we might be.

As always, I strive for balance and to maintain my equilibrium in my life and the lives of others I may touch of influence. Friendships were and are important in my own life.