Two Decades

Twenty years ago today, well we are not speaking of Sargent Pepper and teaching the band to play. I remember twenty years ago as one of the most difficult days I will ever have to live through, and I did and grew even stronger from the experience. My sister and I accompanied my then 82 year old Mother to the surgery center for cataract surgery. My sister traveled from her home in Camden New York and we spent the day making sure all went well for our Mother. But other events happened heralding this day as one that strengthened me, and taught me to appreciate the value of my being and of others in it. My then husband, Father of our three children moved out, into his own apartment. The prior day he told them over breakfast that we prepared together. I guess telling a 7, 8 and 12 year old their Father is departing the homestead has no ideal timeline. I remember tears and disbelief, I remember mainly feeling numb and somewhat lifeless. It seemed as though it was someone else s life I was watching, and I just wanted to turn the drama off and watch a totally different show with a happier ending. He stated he was leaving to learn to be a better Father, and he made several other statements, but in my profound agony, I recall little of what he precisely said. I just knew it was over, there would be no return, and I felt it was wrong to give three young children hope the outcome could or would be different. In my hurt, I let him speak his statements, and did not argue that anything else would be what would transpire. He had packed his clothing and important items to take with him late that Sunday night. We shared a bed and little else that night and into the next morning. I arose early, preparing to pick my Mother up to take her to the surgery center. I recall the verbal out-lash of angry words I spoke to my then husband, it came forth in a spew, much like vomit that had been held down far too long. He had no replies for me, he just continued about with his business of exodus and looked at me like I was insane. He got three children off to school for me that morning, I had to leave for the business of the day. I think back now and am thankful I had such an activity to preoccupy my mind with, it helped me not to dwell on the more hurtful events of that day. My Mother did very well, we went out to lunch and got her set up with her eye drops, her schedule and all that important activity. I was home to greet three children from school. After that day, the next several months went by in a blur, I was clearly depressed and saw little hope or goodness in life other that my three children. I made it through Christmas, New Years and into February and March, mostly with a wing and a prayer. I was doing little to take care of the house, just what needed to be done to limp by and make it through each day as painlessly as I could. Spring was on the horizon when I had my epiphany. I realized I could not continue to act as though I was wounded and would never recover. I had three children to be the main caregiver for and with.After they left for school one morning, I summoned my inner strength, cleaned the house from top to bottom, grocery shopped, caught up mountains of laundry and got a home made snack ready for their arrival from the school day. It was three young lives that saved mine that day, and though I still look back, each year that I get past from that day I realize the strength I had, have and continue to amass. The three are now grown, two live on their own, one still here with me. I must say they were the bricks and mortar that put me back together again and helped me get past a rough time.

We all have our rocks that steer us back into the harbor safely. I continue to be grateful that I had three rocks that stabilized my ship and gave me strength to steer the ship the best way I could as a solo captain with no ships mate to assist. I look back and see many things I wish I could have changed that I did, but mostly, the look back is one that helps me find strength even now. My life has never been simple, but when I think about it, who has a truly simple life. We move forward one foot at a time and live our lives and stay as grounded as we possibly are able to. My brief flirt with the darkness in life gave me such a good lesson to never let anything possess me ever like that again. I always look for the lesson, the positives in ANY situation, it is what keeps me sane, safe and feeling mostly in control.

So, why do I share this now? Well mainly to proclaim to myself that I survived a bad time, and came out pretty much unscathed from it all. I am wiser, stronger, more intuitive and trusting of my inner sense of balance and meaning. I don't question following my instinct and staying true to my ethics, values and morals. I have learned to forgive and to ask forgiveness from others. It is a victory to have come from where I once was to where I have landed now. Sure, life still has its struggles, but what life worth living or thing worth having is truly easy. If one thinks about it, you know what the answer is. I also share to give others hope of a bright outcome, perhaps not the shiny future that you once envisioned, but one that is better than you would ever have thought.

                                             ~~~~~~Balance in Everything~~~~~~~~~

Knowledge Pearls

Fifty nine years and and nearly six months I have resided on this earthly plain. I find as I grow older I grow wiser, and sometimes,sadder. I realize there are so many things in life I cannot change the course of no matter how hard I try. Life is what is is, people are who they are, and circumstances happen. Recently I have found much enlightenment in life for me, I have come to the knowledge that I have more control than I realized. I may not be able to control everything I want or wish to, but I have the ability to control a great deal of the variables in my life. I have ended some toxic relationships and partnerships to make MY life simpler and deal with less strife and enjoy the journey more. I have learned to avoid situations that make life horrific, and when I cannot avoid, I limit the exposure I must have with such situations so that I can have a rapid recovery from the "trauma" the event inevitably causes.

Family and friends are what matter most for me. Of course, employment continues to be an important facet of my life, but it occupies only a certain portion of my life. It truly does not define who I am, for that was molded long ago and continues to be what it is despite any job title I may hold in my work lifetime. Family definition includes not only those I am related to by blood, but to those I have come to know as family and are supportive of me in multiple ways. Friends are also important, and even that definition has evolved over my lifetime. I have many acquaintances, but those I personally identify as true friends are the kind of people that give back as much as they get from being a friend.  True friends have become that by virtue of the kind of person they are and what we have meant to one another. These are the kind of people you can count on in the thick and thin of things, never questioning the why and when, they just are there and it humbles you to think what a lucky person you are to have someone be there like that for you. It is born out of love, and we all know true love is unconditional, it just occurs and is nothing that keeps score.

In the wisdom of age, love has also gained additional meaning, as well as additional definitions. Love that is meaningful is a constant, and grows as time passes. Perhaps in my misfortunes I have learned a better understanding of love, as well as a clearer understanding of it. So often in life we learn from our experiences and take the lesson forward with us. I know of many who shrug off love as they feel so definitely harmed by the events in their life. Often people hang onto the negative shreds and segments of life and woefully recount them, the best way for me has been to remember, and forgive transgressions. It would be folly to say forget, for the most memorable defeats in our lives are something we can never truly forget. As healthy people we can forgive, and at times this may take heroic effort on our parts. As someone who has forgiven many times, the end result produces a feeling quite like no other in life. I can equally say, to be forgiven brings a kind of feeling that releases such demons which we did not realize had been stored inside.

It is with much care and thought I put into words what I am feeling and hope that sharing some of these it can assist others in their journey in  life. I do not consider myself any kind of authority on life or the mastering of it. Quite simply, life is meant to be lived and for me it is best done with kindness and consideration, both for others as well as myself. My choices in how I live it are just that, mine. The end result also becomes mine as well.I can hold no blame upon others or situations for the way things are, it is as a result of how I have chosen to act, react or not act in any given situation. My values may or may not be what you have, but what we all choose should be respected and considered. I think we all can be more kind and considerate of others, if we only try. Many times though we may need to learn to think differently as well as act differently. Change is rarely easy, but if you want things to be different, then change must become your friend and part of your path.

This is just the tip of an ever-growing thought stream I am having these days, so bear with me kind reader and accompany on my journey of putting thoughts to word and deed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~balance in everything~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Negative Familiarity

     I often wonder what possesses people to stay involved with someone or something that has not been a good thing for them. I witness this all the time, women stay with men that are bad boys, that steal from them in countless ways, or just plain treat them badly.The same conditions hold true for men with women as well. If someone has some good points, often we try to convince ourselves that if we just hold on, they will change, or perhaps life will become somehow different for us. Truth is, as long as we continue to accept the situation as is, very little or no change will occur to make any concrete difference.Perhaps some people, men AND women, become addicted to things that are not good for them. I am not talking your run of the mill thing that is too fattening, unhealthy or bad for you in countless ways. I am talking about life stealing, contentment robbing, financial ruining, BAD kinds of situations. The addicted person so often seems bound to another person that is addicted to one thing or another. They treat you poorly, take constantly from you on multiple levels, and do not give back in any way, shape or form. Do these individuals have such poor self-esteem that they hang on to someone or something that they feel is the best they can do or will receive in life. I know some that are addicted to bad people, the misbehaving type that is always in trouble, but gee they excite you on a level you never have felt before. If you are constantly using them as an excuse why your life is the way it is, then part of the problem is YOU. People only use us when we LET them, simply put, if we tolerate, then they will continue said behavior to infinity. Perhaps we need this person for our excuse for staying "stuck", we can not abandon them or they will not survive. You may say, Robin, this is none of your business. In most respects it is not, but when witnesses multiple instances of someone you interact with on a regular basis getting used and allowing it, such observation starts to boggle the mind and create bother as well as wonder. When it starts to make a mark on one's soul, then I have to justify it, rationalize it or work towards removal of the offending parties. My psyche just cannot tolerate negativity on this level at all.
     Key in this equation that it is THEIR life, not mine. When their life intersects with mine and it starts to have an effect on my own well-being and soul, then it is time for me to take the bull by the horns and either work to help them effect change, or remove them from my life to eliminate it from my circle of life. Despite the main issue being THEIR issue, when it gravitates into my realm, then action of some sort must be made.I have to keep my sanity and realm calm for me and those I hold near and dear. Let them continue with their devil-may-care behavior, but I for one do not need continued drama to occur in my homestead.
     Their own behavior is their responsibility at this point, not mine. My head shaking and observations have not changed them OR their behavior one iota. I choose not to tolerate them or their lifestyle any longer. If it has caused me pain and suffering, even if they cannot or choose not to see it, it is my own responsibility to remove the offending party and situation as swiftly, yet kindly as permissible. I find no need to do like harm to them, they suffer already and seem not to mind it, but I do not need to heap an extra helping of harm on their already unsteady plate of life. It is my own form of Hippocratic oath, first do no harm. This simple formula helps one have a decent life, without too much regret or worry over payback, either from the individual, or the universe. Kind of like the golden rule we learned, well most of us, as small children. It is part of being a reasonable, responsible and healthy individual, and following some of those basic tenets we learned at the knee will help us have a good life and create positive ripples in the world itself.

                                                          ~~~balance in everything~~~

Finding Joy

 Some years ago I lost my sparkle , my shine if you will . Or , at least I thought I did . Christmas that year was so difficult. My Father had died on Halloween that year, the loss was fresh and stung incredibly bad. Having a nearly two year old daughter sure helped take my mind off that loss. Her complete wonder of the lights and wonder of Christmasy things was a delight to behold. She was an only child that year, and would be for a few more. My Mother seemed okay, sending cards to her friends and family . She stayed busy with things, I am sure it helped her cope. We all gathered at my sister Ruth's home for a pre - Christmas get together, at one point or another all the Moore children were there. It helped to be together , to commiserate and remember Christmases gone by as well as sweet and funny stories and memories of our Dad.

Fast forward, oh say, about ten years. Once again the sparkle had disappeared . This time my children's father had left us , he no longer wished to be in residence . He left a short twenty days before Christmas, he stayed overnight Christmas Eve, sleeping on the couch. Our children were still reeling from his departure, as was I . It all felt so surreal. They had many nice gifts under the tree , it looked like Christmas , but it sure did not feel like it. Still , it was easier than the first time I lost my sparkle , thankfully I had lots of glittering memories of the very best man in my life , my Dad. We made it through that year , traditions changed dramatically , and a few years later , my three children went each Christmas Eve , to be with their Father and his new wife.

On and off I lost my sparkle for Christmas, but I always found it again. You see, it never really left me , I only thought it had . It lived in my heart , for my sparkle originated from my days as a child and the meaning of Christmas for me . I learned all I needed to do was look inwardly, pull up a piece of truly happy and simple times , and that glittery sparkle shone brightly all over again. Sometimes it was memories of Christmases gone by, other times it was childhood memories of fun , family, traditions and sincere kindness and goodness towards others. I think all of us have this inner fuel we can call to the forefront when we need it , it is always there for me. Finding joy in life is just that simple , often we make it so much more difficult than it needs to be. For me , it always helps to put words down like this, I see the value and splendor in life clearly all over again . In remembering the past and those no longer in out present , we can rekindle the best of times and people, to make the here and now as important and meaningful as those times gone by .

This year my eldest lives in NYC, near yet far . I will miss him at Christmas, as I do now many times each day , but I have lots of shards of sparkling memories that make me smile and laugh.About a dozen years ago, my only daughter and oldest child moved out on her own, what makes this easy is that she lives locally. Though we may not see each other each day, or even weekly, it is comforting to know I can be connected to her in just the short time it takes to drive to her home here in town. My youngest still resides here on the home-front, mostly due to an unkind economy. I am know that someday he too will move out and on his own, but for now I am comforted that his presence is here and that I can rely on him to assist me in doing things here at home, for the time that this home continues to be where I reside. As adults, we all learn too soon that our lives will change as we age and mature, in some ways that we do not want to occur, but life is this way. As our offspring become more independent, we mature and become more dependent on them to provide that sparkle, either in the form of visits, grandchildren, memories and re-kindling of days and times gone by, but fondly remembered for one reason or another.

The sparkle and glitter still live on inside, sometimes it just has to be searched for and brought back to life.


                                                  ~~~ balance in everything ~~~

Ordinarily Plain

There are times in life when you want to stand out from others, though most times I admit I would rather blend in and not attract attention to myself in any way, shape or form. For some reason, my mind today wandered to the past, and in a sort of negative way. Being the positive person I am, I hesitate to travel very far down these paths that lead to thoughts that are defeating mentally, spiritually and emotionally. The holidays can push me down this path, and no clear-cut rhyme or reason, it just occurs from time to time.

I dreamed of past times, things long in my past. I awoke, and though I did not feel horrible, I sensed I somehow needed to visit the thoughts that I most often bottle away and rarely open. A sort of mental Pandora's box, though it is not pretty to look at or into, sometimes it just gets open, and some of the demons need to be let loose for a time. It led me to wonder how some people become the reason for living for some others, and that how I have not been that romantically to or for anyone ever in my life. What formed in my mind was the above, ordinarily plain. Kind of like a generic peanut butter sandwich, with jelly that is not inedible, but certainly not memorable. On and off all day, this phrase has come floating up in my mental collective, but I kept jamming the lid back on and hoping the nagging thoughts would dispel and dry up for the time being. Alas, that was not to be the case.

So, here I am putting words to type, hoping to disperse the demons by giving them thought and space for a time, but then closing the portal, and keeping the negatives shut away for a day far and away into the future. Seems those romantic novels and tales young girls often grow up reading, seeing portrayed on television and on stage haunt me at times. You want desperately to be someone's pinnacle, to be the apex of their being, to be their raison d'etre. Of course the practical me illustrates the full meaning of this below:

rai·son d'être

noun \ˌrā-ˌzōⁿ-ˈdetr^ə\

: the thing that is most important to someone or something : the reason for which a person or organization exists

Realistically, I know that this is a rare occurrence, and  that this is the stuff novels and stage plays can consist of. Though sometimes in life one sees this happen in the lives of others, and some of us yearn to be that epitome of reason for existence for another human. Still, the girl in me remembers her young dreams of being this to and for another . Logically, the practical woman in me knows that, for the most part, this is sort of an irrational desire in the scheme of life. It does not happen very often, and sometimes when one thinks they see it happening, it is a contrived state of being. Thankfully, the heart and the head come to a middle ground and can exist and not live in a state of regret that this has never come to pass.

Long ago I had a dream where I was always allotted to ride in the back seat of the car. I know psychologically this has a powerful meaning and message for me. The situation at the time was not a nice one, suffice it to say this dream mimicked my actual life more than I cared to admit to myself at the time. Several happenstances of this dream made me realize that I needed to let go, that I could never have the place of importance I so yearned for with this situation. Though it was painful, it helped me immensely to feel better about the situation, and know that I would be okay after all the pieces settled, and I could begin to mend the puzzle, and make life meaningful and good once again. Life did, and it has become decently good. 

My recent dream has also been a repetitive one, making me examine my past. My present is a wholly decent one, I feel positive about the direction life is going and much of the time, feel valuable and grateful for all I have, all I am and all that will be. I find staring some of my regrets and missed opportunities directly in the face assist me in getting past the stone I have tripped on, so to speak. I have learned to try to never compare myself with others, or they with me. We are each unique, and it is what makes the universe such a wonderful place. Yet today, I had to pause and wonder, why haven't I ever been that speck of meaningful existence for another, revered and held in great importance to another, my dream brought me there yet again. This leads me to realize that I do not expect anyone else to be my reason for living and being, in fact that responsibility lies totally within me with some input from my life experiences, past, present and future.

Happiness is not determined by what’s happening around you, but rather what’s happening inside you.  Most people depend on others to gain happiness, but the truth is, it always comes from within.Seeing the thoughts on paper, sifting them through the colander that is my mind, helps me remove the "lumps" and make life the reasonable and happy place it is destined and meant to be.

Bill Wilson — 'To the world you may be one person but to one person you may be the world.' ... I think this quote sums it up to a point, at any point in our lives we may have been the apex of being for another, but we often do not realize it. This is the way it is meant to play out, it keeps us humble and human, and responsible for our own happiness on the road that is life.

                                      ~ ~ ~ Balance in everything ~ ~ ~

Resignation/Acceptance

When one utters the word resignation often people think of someone leaving a job or termination of one sort or another. In this case I mean it as deciding to let things go the course they are, acceptance pure and simple.

So many people tend to think towards the negative, perhaps more so than the glass half full type of person I most often am . Often when I am stymied by things I have little or no control over, I find I get to the best place through radical acceptance and forward thinking. It saves a great deal of anxiety and keeps the mind, head and heart in a buoyant move-ahead spirit that best suits keeping things under control and in perspective. I must say it takes persistence and resolute control to operate in this manner, lots of water passed under the bridge before I was able to fully adopt this mode into my life, at times I forget and am quickly reminded to stay focused and in the moment.

You may ask why operate in such a mode ? My answer is that when one accepts life's situations and adapts to them, life is truly an easier walk to walk . Spending ones life in turmoil over each repugnant situation is unpleasant, and often spills over into all of an individual's life, consuming much more energy than the situation requires. When one accepts what is going on and puts a plan into action to deal with the after-shock and fallout effects,relief is found in fairly rapid fashion. It is not that people enjoy the discomfort and out of balance feeling in their life , it is simply that they are accustomed to dealing with issues in a non-productive and self-harmful as well as defeating mode. Certainly one may need to revisit the situation a few times to find personal resolution, but the result is one that provides lessening of angst, drama and self-deprecation.

So, turning the word resignation into acceptance truly puts a different light on life. Instead of resigning oneself to the situation which sounds odious, it is far easier to accept it and deal with it constructively. Sure it is a bit of word play, but just as a simple meal artfully presented becomes a feast, so do life dilemmas when handled in a similar fashion. The bread is still buttered, but quickly and without a great deal of struggle and delay.

Think about it, ponder all the useful applications it can offer. Making life more of a pleasure instead of a drama that drags on, makes your own life easier, as well as others within your circle of life.

Commiseration Number Ninety-Five

com·mis·er·a·tion

kəˌmizəˈrāSHən

noun

plural noun: commiserations

1. 1.

   sympathy and sorrow for the misfortunes of others; compassion.

   "the other actors offered him clumsy commiseration"

   synonyms:

   condolence(s), sympathy, pity, comfort, solace, consolation; More compassion, understanding; informalpity party "a little commiseration may be the most important thing you can offer"

2. 2.

   expressions of sympathy and sorrow for another.

   "our commiserations to those who didn't win

Sometimes life plays funny tricks on you, but if you think about most times, we saw them coming or had a glimpse that the end result was in the making from the very beginning. Being the impulsive and emotion controlled beings most of us are, it is impossible to avoid some of the mishaps we suffer in our lives and loves. Thinking with only our head or only our heart leads us to the wrong place in whatever way we take it. Life needs to be about balance, and using that balance to the best of our abilities to get to the place we need and want to be. Not taking risks means staying in a safe place, and I can certainly understand why so many stay in that safe and secure place. They took risks in the past and ended up in a place or situation that was so hurtful that they never wanted to stray down that horrible venue ever again in their lives. The truth of the matter is, even in those awful, horrid and hurtful times, we learn lessons if we can look at the situation later down the road and be objective about the whole darned thing. Thinking about the whole thing when one is in a state of emotional upheaval can often only hurt us more and lead to an even worse place than we were in to begin with. I think of putting it on the shelf for a bit, waiting until one is in a better state of mind and heart. You see, its not just about the mind, its about the heart also.

Often when I write these little commiserations, I write them from a recent experience or from a past one. I often am writing as I have done the same thing once again, though in a slightly different mode, and have ended up with the same result. I am not downing or doubting my self, merely pondering on what I need to do differently going forward, as well as gleaning the life lesson from the situation. I like to think as life as a set of scales, you know the ones like the typical Greek type statue of justice as a female form with an askew blinder over her eyes. I like to frame my thoughts for others to get a better grasp of just where I am coming from. The problem is, one cannot know where they are going to from that point. One can certainly attempt to steer your own voyage, but the Universe and other players in our own vignettes can most definitely effect the ending result or outcome . So, one plans as well as they are able to, and hopefully goes forth hoping for the best to occur with and for them. Also what we can fail to realize, is how our own choices may effect the outcomes of others in their life's journeys. The humanistic me wants to not harm others, but their comes a point in self preservation on oneself and sanity that you may well have to hurt someone without truly wanting to, but there is not another path or choice to make in said situation.

In sharing our misfortune or pain, it assists us in getting to the next level in healing. Part of it certainly is about the self, for to truly live one has to take the best care of the self on all levels, physical, emotional and spiritual, that one is capable of. So, yes indeed folks, some of this is self centered and egocentric. Often in sharing of ourselves others can be assisted when they have gone through a similar situation in their own life. For me, it helps in my understanding of what I have gone through to think that sharing my own plight might help another in what they are experiencing. There are many things much too painful or difficult to share with anyone but the most trusted in one's life. I certainly understand and respect that need to preserve ones privacy and keep shut like a clam ones thoughts. Being a glass half full kinda gal, I think in a forward thinking fashion almost 100% of the time. In my life I have experienced the gamut of sadness and happiness, and can name easily the most difficult and the happiest times in my life. Sharing both and embracing what we experience in our lives can assist us in getting where we need to be with the best ease we can.

~~~Balance in all things~~~