Label Me Not

So many things are labeled these days, and many of them are attributes or groups people belong to, Some in my wide circle of acquaintances call themselves introverts.Others call themselves disabled, gluten intolerant, political activists, the list goes on endlessly. Unless it is an inanimate object, it has not been my preference to label people. We are so much more than who or what we identify ourselves as. First and foremost, we are humans. Perhaps some of our treatment of one another is less than human, but at the core of our existence, we are humans, flesh and blood beings capable of many and varied things. When I worked in the mental health field, I detested people being labeled. Nasty names like bi-polar, schizo-affective  socio-pathological  depressed, and that list goes on to the nth degree. These are not who people are, they are diagnosis that should be used only for billing purposes, or to receive some sort of benefits due to a disability. Much like heart disease, diabetes, multiple sclerosis, cancer, lupus and multiple other diseases. They serve no positive purpose in getting to know a person, and I mean really know them. In other classifications, people call themselves friends to others, both in person and on social media sources. Just because you occasionally commiserate with another person does not make you friends, a friend is someone who shares a deep knowledge of you, deeply aware of your good, bad and a host of other information. They care about you deeply, most often love you and accept you flaws and  gifts equally.Recently I have become increasingly aware of people using a broad definition of friendship, and often times, they really do not understand the word.

Part of me wonders why some feel the need to label themselves so outrightly and proclaim their akin to those groups of traits. I prefer to think of everyone as a whole made up of all those facets, without any one taking center stage in a good or in a negative light. You can call yourself Mother, Father, animal lover, sister, brother, cousin, worker, writer, publicists, nurse, doctor, and the list goes on and on. These are roles we play, but do not make up the sole qualities of the person. On Facebook I see many proclaiming themselves as introverts. Funny, we all have that quality from time to time, and no one I personally have met is that and nothing more. For the most part, and I expect some nasty replies, most peopleI have known  that label themselves as  introverts are self-centered, self serving and narcissistic in behavior.  Sure not all, but some are that and then some. Preferring solitude to the company of others is a preference, not a lifestyle, though some make it their soul purpose in life to embrace the group they most identify with.  I personally find myself with traits of both the introvert and the extrovert, depending on the situation, my comfort level and other factors. I prefer to be known for myself, the multi-faceted and  diverse individual I have become over the past sixty one years. No one group describes me, nor anyone else for that matter.

The bottom line in all this is to avoid labels, for yourself, your friends and acquaintances, but learn to love all of who you are and what makes you the happiest in life. Most often I find pleasing everyone is impossible, and  no longer defines me except when I need to fit in a certain situation I may encounter or need to conform to or in. Some of you will understand my little piece here, some will scratch their head and wonder what the heck I am talking about. Either is good, as if you have read this far, I have managed to make you think about yourself and others in a different light. 

The Metamorphosis of Friendship

Since I was made aware that today is National Best Friend Day by a past school friend, it seized me as the perfect opportunity to discuss the issue of friends and the types of friendships we forge over the years. Perhaps  I will define the types of friendship I believe most of us have  and have had. We first of all have childhood friends, those we meet in our youth, remain friends with through our grade school days, and, if we are lucky, far beyond. When we truly forge great friendships at this age, we can be lucky and stay in regular and active contact with these friends.

Often times, the next friend we have are the college or work friends. People we see each and every day either in classes or at our work venue. We get to know them  through this daily exchange and many times it continues outside of the workplace and beyond our terms at college or our tenure at our jobs.

Next may come the friends we make when we have children, often they can be neighbors we meet, parents of our children's

 friends or classmates, and we mesh with them so perfectly they become friends even well past the friendships of our children and last beyond their school years.

We continue to make friends throughout our lives, at workplaces, hobby and learning environments, support groups and the whole gamut of social interaction, including electronic social media. Due to the changeable nature of life itself, our friendships often become transient, people move away from the area, the job, or even from us. We lose friends through arguments, even through death. Nevertheless, their influence in our love remains for the balance of our existence.

At my age, my closest friends are from past work places , college days and my children's grade school days. They were in my life at a time where things for me were changing, and I needed their wisdom, and ability to help me remain stable and for them to be sounding boards for  my issues, feelings and decisions. They have remained the backbone of what I consider true and unconditional friendship. Unfortunately my friends from childhood are are no longer pivotal in my life. I value what they contributed to me way back when, but we have not stayed in contact in many ways, though no part of either party involved. Sometimes I am able to read some of their blogs and postings on social media and through a few phone conversations with some. I come to the realization that we have commuted to different ways and means of life, and have spun out of one another's circles. The relationships are over for the most part, but the memories remain etched indelibly into our hears and minds. At this point in my life I also have some decent work friends, but only a few of these overlap outside the workplace boundaries. This group is especially important, as I spend a good share of ten hour days, forty hour weeks and part of the weekend with them. These friends entertain me, and I them. We often give one another feedback and support both inside and outside of the work place.

My dearest friends are those I do not see often, but whenever we do get together, it is like we pick up a well loved novel and are able to take up right where we last left off. We catch up as best and as often as we can, and know in our hearts these friendships are of the platinum variety, rare and beautiful, treasured and meaningful. I think friendships such as these come along only a few times in our life, and we recognize them quickly.

The nature of life keeps many of us from seeing any of our friends to the extend we might like or enjoy. Our work schedules often do not mesh, we have family obligations as well as home life to attend to. My biggest disappointment is when a friend makes little or no effort to meet halfway and commune even briefly on some level. I quickly dissolve my disappointment though, any relationship is not 50/50, but 100/100, so when one has less than their all to give, it is still a full relationship, with one taking up the slack in the situation. It is not an ideal or perfect world we live in, but perhaps looking at one another's ideas and values with friendships serves us with good purpose and reminders. It helps us define whom we are, what we want, what we are able to give and commit to. Since all of us have different expectations and definitions as well as needs in friendship, this way we might better understand why some are not in tune to it the same as we might be.

As always, I strive for balance and to maintain my equilibrium in my life and the lives of others I may touch of influence. Friendships were and are important in my own life.

Now and Then

So many things in our lives can be a comparison of now to then. I know I think about my past and know it has shaped me radically into the person I have become today. I also know that the person I am now may not be very well liked by some people that I could encounter today that I knew then. We all change, life has a way of doing that to us. I have found embracing change through radical acceptance when it is a difficult change just makes the process easier and less burdensome on me.

 In the recent past, my beau and I had a chance to reconnect with one of his childhood friends. The experience was eye-opening and educational, for many reasons which I shall discuss in this posting. He had not seen this friend in many years and they were close as children, spending many hours together and having many experiences together that they fondly as well as laughingly recalled years later. He did his best to reconnect with this past friend, problem was, they had both changed radically in the many years that had passed.. My beau has been through some difficult health issues, a failed marriage and family issues. His friend had health issues as well, is currently married to the same woman for over thirty years, has had several children as well as his share of heartaches and successes. When we first got together, it was fun and it was enjoyable to hear all their old stories of the childhood adventures and mishaps together. We always went to their house, and brought along some food or other things to share.Their young adult children were there most times and it was a busy household with lots of activity and a few young grandchildren folded into the mix. They clearly love their grandchildren and that was nice to watch their interactions. As time passed, the high activity became almost chaotic, to the point of jangling our nerves. We were guests in their home, and never passed judgement on the pace of things there, it was the norm for them and we could not nor would not expect them to change for us. We would leave and feel as though we needed to diffuse some of our jangled nerves with a cup of coffee and a leisurely drive home to peace and quiet that WE need to function. We never tried to have them over, we did meet them for dinner several times and they stopped by a few times, but I was at work. I know that some people need and like to have things on their terms, and it seemed this way with them so I did not try to have a get together with them at my home. His childhood friend's wife had also informed us of her HATE for cats, and with six of them in my home, knew that our home would not be a fitting place to gather. Fast forward about a year and we saw less and less of them due to all of our busy lives as well my days off had changed at my job. A few remarks were made that I may well have misinterpreted and my feelings were hurt. My beau and I talked things over and we decided we needed to divest ourselves of visiting and being friends with them, our differences were just to disparate to continue on with any sort of friendship. We stopped communications with them and have not regretted our decision.

Recently I have tried to rekindle some past friendships as well. There are a few people that I get together with only a few times a year, but that works and I value greatly the time we have together. The remainder of those I tried reconnection with just did not pan out at all. Sometimes it was due to my work schedule, sometimes the other person was too busy with their life and had no time to add any additional people or activities in it. Other times it has been that after some thought and consideration, I just realize we share no common bonds or interests anymore. What brought us together in the past was our school or work relationship, without those daily occurrences we became distant and disinterested in one another's company. Life happens and I accept this completely, though in some cases it has saddened me and made me wonder why they could not make the time nor communicate occasionally in some small fashion. Recently I have finally realized that some friendships and relationships do not stand the test of time when there is not regular interaction , and that as we have grown we have changed and sometimes have become radically different people than we once were.Often times the case is we make new friends to replace in some fashion the ones we once had.

Hold on to those memories of past relationships, use them going forward to provide you with laughs, reminiscent stories, as well as education of yourself to accept that change is inevitable in all things at all times. Differences we have as individuals are what make us unique and make us interesting to others. Bottom line is that importantly we need to respect each other despite our differences and realize we can not be friends with everyone, most of us know that. There is no need to disrespect and speak harshly because we do not see eye to eye or do as one another do.Perhaps seeing past friends in a different venue, such as a reunion, a chance meeting at a local grocery store or restaurant is enough in many cases to keep the distant memories fresh and remember things as they were then. Now is what is here and we cannot continue to regret that we cannot recapture what once was wonderful and cherished in its own way. The same holds true for parents that have become empty nested, hold on to the stories and memories of raising your children and people you interfaced with and let it provide you with fuel for the times you wish for what was. It truly is impossible to live in the past, but possible to keep the bits of it that make the story of who we are right now.

Grief, Loss and the Memory Locker

Both of my parents have been deceased for some time now, my Father, Arthur Moore passed away from colon cancer on October 31, 1983, my Mother, Birdie Bellinger Moore departed this world on May 10, 1998, at the age of 85. My oldest brother, Gary, died on January 25, 2005, at the age of 61, several months shy of his 62nd birthday, from sudden cardiac arrest. The death of loved ones, both family and friends is not easy in any respect of the word. My only sister Ruth lost her oldest son, Eric Parkhurst, December 17, 1997 in a tragic car accident in Arizona. I could name countless others who have passed away in my lifetime, many dear friends, former co-workers, other relatives, neighbors and friends of others I known. I speak of this today due to a former co-worker and  friend who has lost her sister, son and husband all in the course of nine short months, beginning last June 2015. Years filled with such multiple losses become blurs , though much of the circumstances of each event have clear recall at times when certain triggers bring to life those memories. Perhaps it is the protective actions in our brains that help us conveniently forget them for a length of time, though some lose none of the details of any events of this nature. Her loss brings to the forefront how losses have forever changed me, mostly strengthened my resolve,endurance and desire to live in the here and now, and stay positive and forward moving. That does not mean I have forgotten people, oh quite the contrary. Mostly I carry these people in my heart and mind, and for the most part the memories are positive , often tinged with a memory or a lesson we have learned over time.

People might ask, how do you stay positive? My answer is in a question form , "How could I not?" My parents and family gave me wonderful memories, sure a not so great one once in a while, but far and above, the best memories I have are good, and often simple. Events may trigger them, such as holiday times and foods and remembering fondly the celebrations our family would have. Often routines that led up to the celebrations are a part of the memory, such as things my Mother would prepare in advance for the celebrations, from as simple as cleaning the house, shopping for foods she would make and decorating the house or the yard. Traditions often get carried forward, and just as often we make our own new ones. These memories sustain us in the in between times that are mundane and not so memory inducing or making. Everyday life is often not memorable, but rather a repetitive occurrence we perform to transport us to the memorable, or good times we hope and mostly, do have.  Sometimes we place these past occurrences on such a pedestal, that no other event can ever compare to them. My boyfriend Rick and I have discussed this at length. In my case, I look at these as markers, something to remember and cherish, but I know that things of this caliber are once in a lifetime for the most part, and meant to be remembered, and truly not regretted or compared to current and future events. Perspective is what one needs to keep things in a proper frame and give credence to the past, without forsaking now or what is to come.

So, many of you may not understand where I am coming from or where this leads, but many of you do or will. Grieving is not an easy process, and is different from person to person, and no one way is right or wrong. Comparing how you deal with grief to someone else is a poor option, often leading to some self doubt or reprimand in ones mind. I caution people not to do this, it is never wise and let's face it, each of our stories is different and needs to be handled the way that works for you, not me, not others.Grieve in your own way, keep your own stock of memories to get you through now and future. Keep a memory locker of sorts so you can reinforce yourself on those difficult times where you feel overcome and overwhelmed by your grief and loss. This works in many situations, the loss of a marriage, friend, lover, fur child, whatever and whomever you hold dear to and in your heart. Grief is not just about death anyways. Its about change, loss, amongst so many other events. Whenever we feel or experience any kind of loss, it causes grief in one form or another.  filling one's memory locker is an important task to keep lessons, events, people, places and times we have enjoyed, learned a lesson from the event or person, or just to keep our own hope alive . Try  your best to fill it with good things, the occasional difficult event and cherished memories of people and times gone by to buoy us in the days to come.

Seeking Past Delights

Recently I had a good portion of time off, I had hoped to rekindle and reconnect some old friendships. I managed to meet with one friend after over a year of non-contact, we had a great time, and have vowed to meet monthly for coffee and chat, maybe even inexpensive lunch and chat. We found ourselves at the same place we had left off, like a well-loved book that we could pick up and read again and again. I managed to also get a couple phone chats in with other friends and we made plans to meet in the Fall, when their busy summer lives slow down. Another friend I managed to chat online with, her daughter is soon to be married and she has showers to attend and preparations to complete for the blessed event. A former co-worker from my last job and I have made plans to meet in August for Thai lunch and conversation. I love hearing of his young family and the adventures they have experienced. As a father of three, he leads a busy life as does his wife. I am grateful to have stayed connected with so many and cannot begin to recount the many ways they have enhanced my life.

Lately I have longed for some of the happiness found in the past in my childhood. I reminisce about games we used to play, board games especially. There was also a time as a single young woman I played cards with my upstairs landlord/maintenance man and his wife, Jack and Linda Ray. We played Pitch and Poker, had snacks and even drank some beers and wine. It was great to have two people right in the building that were fun to get together with and just comfortably chat and enjoy one another's company.Linda developed cancer and became very ill, they moved away many years ago with their young daughter Andrea. Many times I have wished to re-connect with any of them, it would be nice to see what has occurred in all their lives. Until fall of 2008, I played cards about once per month with a group of people from two jobs ago. It was much fun, despite one person who was a genuine PITA, but everyone deserves chances, so we kept her in our group and she was okay much of the time.

Lots of my fun times go back to even school days,elementary, high , and college days. My friend Debbie and I met at college, and we formed a bond and had great times out on Friday nights. She now lives in Minnesota and I have recently checked in with me online and we share a bit of conversation on Facebook. I am thankful that social networking has kept me connected with many people I have met throughout my life from my days in kindergarten, and right up to the present.People I graduated from high school with have reconnected online, and its a blessing in so many ways. High school was a rough ride for me, grade wise I did well, graduated 11th or 13th out of a class of approximately 100. Not too shabby. The teen years were not my fondest times, as an overweight teen girl with acne and a relentless amount of teasing from one male in particular, I would not go back through those years for anything. In fact, my 40th reunion in 2013 was not one I attended.

PTSD from those days kept me from going to this event, I regret that now. I realize the past is what is is THE PAST. I am a strong and resilient woman, and should not let one fragment of the past color my present or my future. I can only hope my work hours can be flexible enough for me to attend the 45th reunion in 2018. I would not miss the next one. A couple of my former classmates seemed to not remember what I went through, but that was then and this is now.

I look forward to the times I can continue to re-connect with my buddies from the past, some long ago past people as well as recent friends. I will take every opportunity I can to meet with those important to and for me, there really is no excuse not to find time for people. We all lead busy lives, and can manage to squeeze in a little time here and there for one another. Especially I think I need and want to do this because one never knows what life may bring us and when we might move on to other horizons, either in life or beyond life. I do not want to say I wish I had, I would rather say I am glad I did. As the old saying goes, if you want someone in your life you can always make a little time for them. One of my long standing friends is in Myrtle Beach this week with grandkids helping with Little League trip down there, and we will meet after her return the first week in August. My other dear friend from my work days at HPC, is busy with grand kids and great grand kids this summer, and when school begins again, we can meet and have one of our long lunches, once again, opening our book to that same page we left off on.

Some past delights cannot ever be re-established, due to many circumstances. Many things are fond memories, and we tend to remember the very best and the very worst of times, it is the in-between times I find to be hazy in my recollection process. I also know that there are many current and future delights yet to come , and I am looking forward to entering those in my book of memories to fuel me when I am an old woman. Which, by the way, is not too far off judging by the amount of gray hair I have! So, think of who and what you need to do to rekindle old friendships, keep current ones strong, and foster future ones. It is a plan you will not regret.

Routine Resolutions

It is over a week into the year 2015, as usual I did not make New Year's Resolutions, nor do I intend to. In my humble opinion, when change needs to be made it means you are choosing to have a different outcome from the current one trending in your life. For example, you are arriving late to work nearly every day and you as well as your employer are not liking this it means that you need to seriously look at the entire picture and change things for the better. Perhaps you are not getting enough sleep, maybe you need to set things out the night or evening before to make your transition from home to work less of a helter-skelter approach and one that is better planned and less anxiety producing.For some maybe you are out partying too late, and you need to reign this in or risk not have the financial means to go out at all, or even worse.

Perhaps you want your health better, so you plan more nutritious meals, get more exercise, hydrate with plenty of water and make regular visits to your healthcare provider. Thinking positively in all respects of one's life can assist one in having a better life almost immediately.Stop worrying about others opinions and actions, take care of your own life and do so well and with fervor. Plan to judge others less and concentrate on how you can help others to have the life they want to have , in doing this you create a positive ripple and get back as much as you give out in all honesty.

I have grown tired of selfish, self-involved individuals. It is the preoccupation with the ME that ends up creating a disharmonious and unhappy life. My own recent obsession with some individuals that used to be in my life and reasoning why I never hear from them, get included in plans and activities they talk about us doing was causing me a lot of negativity and generating poor effects rather than what I want in my life. In concentrating on these few people it was eating up time , energy and thought better spent on more positive pursuits and preoccupations in my life. In short, my poor choice was creating feelings of resentment, hostility, anger and loneliness. I realized I have control of whom I have contact with or choose to reach out to.When making good and sound choices, my end result is most always better. Certainly there are some facets of my life where I cannot control whom I have contact with, but when I put my best foot forward and make the contact limited and positive, the final deal is better than it could have been.

So I am resolving to change, not a list of specific activities most people plan and let fall by the wayside early into the New Year. Such change requires thought, planning and then execution, or action if you will. Part of my personal resolve is to disengage myself from as much negative thought and interaction as I am humanly capable of. I also resolve to remain in close and regular contact with those who I care about and for. I hope to be able to continue to give my all to remain grateful and positive in my life and hope that the pattern rubs off on others that want the same.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Balance in everything~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two Decades

Twenty years ago today, well we are not speaking of Sargent Pepper and teaching the band to play. I remember twenty years ago as one of the most difficult days I will ever have to live through, and I did and grew even stronger from the experience. My sister and I accompanied my then 82 year old Mother to the surgery center for cataract surgery. My sister traveled from her home in Camden New York and we spent the day making sure all went well for our Mother. But other events happened heralding this day as one that strengthened me, and taught me to appreciate the value of my being and of others in it. My then husband, Father of our three children moved out, into his own apartment. The prior day he told them over breakfast that we prepared together. I guess telling a 7, 8 and 12 year old their Father is departing the homestead has no ideal timeline. I remember tears and disbelief, I remember mainly feeling numb and somewhat lifeless. It seemed as though it was someone else s life I was watching, and I just wanted to turn the drama off and watch a totally different show with a happier ending. He stated he was leaving to learn to be a better Father, and he made several other statements, but in my profound agony, I recall little of what he precisely said. I just knew it was over, there would be no return, and I felt it was wrong to give three young children hope the outcome could or would be different. In my hurt, I let him speak his statements, and did not argue that anything else would be what would transpire. He had packed his clothing and important items to take with him late that Sunday night. We shared a bed and little else that night and into the next morning. I arose early, preparing to pick my Mother up to take her to the surgery center. I recall the verbal out-lash of angry words I spoke to my then husband, it came forth in a spew, much like vomit that had been held down far too long. He had no replies for me, he just continued about with his business of exodus and looked at me like I was insane. He got three children off to school for me that morning, I had to leave for the business of the day. I think back now and am thankful I had such an activity to preoccupy my mind with, it helped me not to dwell on the more hurtful events of that day. My Mother did very well, we went out to lunch and got her set up with her eye drops, her schedule and all that important activity. I was home to greet three children from school. After that day, the next several months went by in a blur, I was clearly depressed and saw little hope or goodness in life other that my three children. I made it through Christmas, New Years and into February and March, mostly with a wing and a prayer. I was doing little to take care of the house, just what needed to be done to limp by and make it through each day as painlessly as I could. Spring was on the horizon when I had my epiphany. I realized I could not continue to act as though I was wounded and would never recover. I had three children to be the main caregiver for and with.After they left for school one morning, I summoned my inner strength, cleaned the house from top to bottom, grocery shopped, caught up mountains of laundry and got a home made snack ready for their arrival from the school day. It was three young lives that saved mine that day, and though I still look back, each year that I get past from that day I realize the strength I had, have and continue to amass. The three are now grown, two live on their own, one still here with me. I must say they were the bricks and mortar that put me back together again and helped me get past a rough time.

We all have our rocks that steer us back into the harbor safely. I continue to be grateful that I had three rocks that stabilized my ship and gave me strength to steer the ship the best way I could as a solo captain with no ships mate to assist. I look back and see many things I wish I could have changed that I did, but mostly, the look back is one that helps me find strength even now. My life has never been simple, but when I think about it, who has a truly simple life. We move forward one foot at a time and live our lives and stay as grounded as we possibly are able to. My brief flirt with the darkness in life gave me such a good lesson to never let anything possess me ever like that again. I always look for the lesson, the positives in ANY situation, it is what keeps me sane, safe and feeling mostly in control.

So, why do I share this now? Well mainly to proclaim to myself that I survived a bad time, and came out pretty much unscathed from it all. I am wiser, stronger, more intuitive and trusting of my inner sense of balance and meaning. I don't question following my instinct and staying true to my ethics, values and morals. I have learned to forgive and to ask forgiveness from others. It is a victory to have come from where I once was to where I have landed now. Sure, life still has its struggles, but what life worth living or thing worth having is truly easy. If one thinks about it, you know what the answer is. I also share to give others hope of a bright outcome, perhaps not the shiny future that you once envisioned, but one that is better than you would ever have thought.

                                             ~~~~~~Balance in Everything~~~~~~~~~